Urban Legends - The Holiday Edition

Greetings and salutations my friends!  Well, maybe I should say greetings OR salutations.  You can't have both.  Pick one.  Ok.  Greetings it is.  Today we bring you the return of our Urban Legends series.  This one is all chocked full of truths and myths about the holidays, which may or may not be brought to you by Wikileaks.  Here goes...


Fruit Cake is a tasty holiday treat!


No it isn't.  Fruit cake is actually a mysterious substance that continues to baffle leading scientists even today.  No one knows what this stuff is really made of.  It's not even certain if new fruit cakes are still being produced.  Its entirely possible that all of the fruit cakes on earth today are in fact from the very first batch of fruit cakes ever made centuries ago.  This is possible because no one actually eats fruit cake.  They simply give them away.  So the same ancient fruit cakes, which were probably intended to be bricks by early man, are still making the rounds.  By the way, fruit cakes got their names because anyone who would actually eat one was considered to be a fruitcake.




Live Christmas Trees are better!


Poppycock!  Trust me, fake trees are MUCH easier to deal with.  They push over just as easy as a real one and their synthetic composition seems to propel the ornaments off in all directions.  Plus, if you leave your scent on a fake tree, it's still there the next year!  The real bonus, though, is that there is a huge box involved with the fake tree.  That provides many hours of enjoyment, as you can hide in it and even use it to sharpen your claws.

I just realized that some of you may not have been expecting a cat's-eye view of the Christmas Tree issue.  Really, what were you thinking?  Maybe you should go check out Martha Stewart's blog and see what she has to say!

The Holidays bring out the best in people!


Humbug!  That's just nonsense!  From what I can tell, the holidays don't bring out the spirit of giving.  They bring out the spirit of competition.  Also there's a heaping helping of guilt.  You try to make up for being such a crappy friend/spouse/parent through the rest of the year by giving some expensive gift that will end up being returned after New Years.  OR you get suckered into the "giving the perfect gift" trap. You end up spending countless hours desperately searching for that unique item, a process that often involves physical violence against other shoppers, only to have your gift returned after New Years.  Congratulations.  Now you have to spend some time with family members that you've carefully avoided throughout the rest of the year.

Cute Little Elves make toys for Santa to deliver!


Wrong.  Actually, cute little Korean kids make toys for Santa to deliver.

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That's all for today!  Come back tomorrow!  I've got another NEW Holiday poem for ya!

--Neyland D. Catt

When did Thanksgiving stop mattering?

Hello all.  Neyland D. Catt back at you again.  Yeah.  That's right.  Time to get yourself a brainful of cat goodness.

Today I want to talk to you all about a disturbing trend: the shrinking importance of Thanksgiving.  Apparently this holiday doesn't mean anything anymore.  I remember a time when Thanksgiving was right up there Christmas.  Halloween took a back seat and New Years wasn't even a twinkle in anybody's eye.  Turkey Day was one of the big dogs.  A Prime Time Player.  Now it's just a speed bump in the madcap rush to fling all your cash away before December 25th.

Seriously, what happened here?  Obviously, commercialization is a big part of it.  There's pretty much only one big item that can be marketed for Thanksgiving: turkeys.  That's it.  Just big fat birds.  Christmas gives us more options for things to buy than anyone will ever possibly need.  Stores will dutifully hawk everything from toys to toasters.  Even unsold turkeys will find their way into Christmas ads.  So, obviously, Turkey Day takes a big back seat to Christmas.  However, it has even fallen behind Halloween in holiday prominence.  Again, Halloween offers more marketing opportunities.  Costumes, decorations, and candy versus turkeys.  Dead, plucked turkeys.  Christmas has candy too by the way.  There's just no demand for pumpkin pie flavored lollipops or turkey-shaped milk chocolate.  Maybe a marshmallow pilgrim?  No.  Thanksgiving needs a marketing makeover.

The other problem with Thanksgivings popularity is that there is no appeal to children.  For Christmas they get toys.  For Halloween they get candy.  For Thanksgiving they get... to eat.  They pretty much do that every day.  Probably things they like better than turkey and dressing.  Kids just don't find the same joy in sitting down with the entire family to have a meal.  Maybe Thanksgiving needs an activity to draw in the kids.  Maybe turkey-shaped pinatas filled with marshmallow pilgrim candy.

Really, though, it boils down to the point of the holiday.  Giving thanks.  That really doesn't seem to be trendy these days.  It's not glamorous like dressing up in crazy costumes or opening shiny packages.  Being thankful?  Nah.  It's too bad really, because these days we all have so much to be thankful for.  It's a shame that we can't all take a day out of our busy lives to appreciate that.  At this rate, the holiday should change it's name to Thanks-taking.  As in, "thanks for letting me take all of your money for Christmas".  Or maybe Banksgiving.  In the end, the only ones who really seem to take Thanksgiving seriously are the turkeys.  Especially if they survive it.

Back tomorrow with a little something I call "Fun with Captcha Words!"

Neyland D. Catt