Urban Legends - The Holiday Edition

Greetings and salutations my friends!  Well, maybe I should say greetings OR salutations.  You can't have both.  Pick one.  Ok.  Greetings it is.  Today we bring you the return of our Urban Legends series.  This one is all chocked full of truths and myths about the holidays, which may or may not be brought to you by Wikileaks.  Here goes...


Fruit Cake is a tasty holiday treat!


No it isn't.  Fruit cake is actually a mysterious substance that continues to baffle leading scientists even today.  No one knows what this stuff is really made of.  It's not even certain if new fruit cakes are still being produced.  Its entirely possible that all of the fruit cakes on earth today are in fact from the very first batch of fruit cakes ever made centuries ago.  This is possible because no one actually eats fruit cake.  They simply give them away.  So the same ancient fruit cakes, which were probably intended to be bricks by early man, are still making the rounds.  By the way, fruit cakes got their names because anyone who would actually eat one was considered to be a fruitcake.




Live Christmas Trees are better!


Poppycock!  Trust me, fake trees are MUCH easier to deal with.  They push over just as easy as a real one and their synthetic composition seems to propel the ornaments off in all directions.  Plus, if you leave your scent on a fake tree, it's still there the next year!  The real bonus, though, is that there is a huge box involved with the fake tree.  That provides many hours of enjoyment, as you can hide in it and even use it to sharpen your claws.

I just realized that some of you may not have been expecting a cat's-eye view of the Christmas Tree issue.  Really, what were you thinking?  Maybe you should go check out Martha Stewart's blog and see what she has to say!

The Holidays bring out the best in people!


Humbug!  That's just nonsense!  From what I can tell, the holidays don't bring out the spirit of giving.  They bring out the spirit of competition.  Also there's a heaping helping of guilt.  You try to make up for being such a crappy friend/spouse/parent through the rest of the year by giving some expensive gift that will end up being returned after New Years.  OR you get suckered into the "giving the perfect gift" trap. You end up spending countless hours desperately searching for that unique item, a process that often involves physical violence against other shoppers, only to have your gift returned after New Years.  Congratulations.  Now you have to spend some time with family members that you've carefully avoided throughout the rest of the year.

Cute Little Elves make toys for Santa to deliver!


Wrong.  Actually, cute little Korean kids make toys for Santa to deliver.

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That's all for today!  Come back tomorrow!  I've got another NEW Holiday poem for ya!

--Neyland D. Catt

Neyland's Hollywood Round Up

Howdy kids.  Neyland D. Catt back for a second post in two days.  That's practically a record!  I haven't bashed on all the Hollywood types in a while, so today is my day to get my fix!  Prepare yourselves for a round of informative mockery of the latest happenings in Entertainment Town...

First up: Miley Cyrus smokes a bong in a video!

Gasp!  Say it ain't so!  Let's face it, Miley is not a little kid anymore.  She is a young adult now.  Young adults, especially those with lots of money and fame, see their IQ's drop by at least half for a period of around 8 to 10 years.  They will do extraordinarily stupid things just because they have the option to.  This is the period of time that nature uses to try and kill off the truly, terminally stupid.  I won't even get into the debate of whether she was smoking salvia or marijuana.  Really doesn't matter much.  My gut tells me that Miley will survive her wild-child years with at least some of her dignity intact.  However, she will probably end up on Dancing With The Stars at some point.  Not sure what will remain of her dignity after that.

"The Hasselhoffs" Cancelled after 2 episodes!


Wow.  Didn't even make it long enough to get re-runs to air forever in Germany.  This is good news folks.  This struck a blow for good taste across the world.  Combine this with his hasty exit from Dancing With The Stars and you have a clear message:  America is sick of David Hasselhoff!  Seriously, dude, if you were a cat, you'd have used up all 9 lives 15 years ago.  Give it up.  The whole Zombie craze is starting to fade anyway.*

Racy Pics of Christina Aguilera leaked!


Not really sure this news.  Christina has been "racy" for as long as I can remember.  Maybe they were pictures of her fully clothed and being demure?  It amazes me that stars are shocked when stuff like this comes out.  Really?!  You were surprised that pictures of you in some bondage outfit made it to the internet?  There was someone standing right in front of you with a camera!  Taking pictures!  In this day and age, everyone and I do mean EVERYONE, has a digital gizmo on them at all times.  Chances are it can take pictures.  Or video.  Or 3D.  Or 4D with smell-o-vision.  The point is, if you don't want the video of you making out with an armadillo showing up on the internet, then don't make out with the armadillo.  Or at least check him for cameras first.

SpaceX launches Dragon capsule into orbit!


What does this have to do with Hollywood you might ask?  Nothing.  Except that once again, we sent a spaceship off the planet and missed the opportunity to send Lady GaGa with it!


See you kids later!  I'd write more, but I have to go take a wiki-leak.**

Neyland D. Catt



*Neyland actually believes that David Hasselhoff is a zombie.  I've tried correcting him, but he does offer up some compelling evidence.

**He has no idea what the whole Wikileaks thing is all about.  He has simply borrowed the term to describe going to the bathroom.  That's my boy.