<For those of you who did not read yesterday's post, this might be confusing. This is the second part of a roundtable discussion style show hosted by Neyland D. Cat. He is joined by Britney Spears, Lindsey Lohan, Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino, and Toucan Sam. They are discussing various topics understood only by really smart people. You might want to read yesterday's post if you are interested or skip the whole week and come back later in hopes that there will be some cute pictures or something. It's what I wanted to do...>
Neyland - All right folks, we are back. Thanks for stopping back by after that extended commercial break. (Brushes blue feathers from his chin)
The Situation - Hey! What happened to the bird man?
Neyland - Huh? What are you- oh! Toucan Sam! Yeah. Where did he go?
Britney Spears - I think we all know. (All eyes slowly turn to Neyland)
Neyland - Oh yeah! Blame it on the cat! The obvious suspect! It could have just as easily been Lohan! Maybe she thought he was a big tasty pill and gobbled him up!
Britney Spears - That's not funny y'all! That bird was nice to me.
Lindsey Lohan - Ackpt! Gurgle!
Neyland - Well said Lohan. Toucan Sam was only nice to you because he thought you were easy. Alright, yes I ate Toucan Sam. Fact of the matter is, I'm a cat and he was a bird. I was destined to eat him. Besides, the Fruit Loops people want to go in a new direction anyway. They want to use Mel Gibson as their new spokesman, because nobody is more fruit looped than Mel.
The Situation - Wow! That is a messed up situation!
Neyland - If you plug your own name one more time, I'm going punch you in the mouth. Now, on to our next topic: the space program. Which should be our next destination - Mars or the Moon? The Situation, we will start with you.
The Situation - Man! That's a tough question Mr. Orange Cat-man. I'm going to say Mars.
Neyland - Okay. Why?
The Situation - Because men are from Mars and I'm a man.
Neyland - You disgust me. Britwit?
Britney Spears - Mars. I'm goin' with Mars too y'all.
Neyland - Dare I ask why?
Britney Spears - Cuz men are from Mars and I like men.
The Situation - Whoa! Bam! That's what I'm talking about! Have you seen my abs?
Neyland - Lift that shirt and die Jersey Boy. Lohan, what incomprehensible sound have you got for me?
Lindsey Lohan - Well Neyland, I believe that we need to establish a fully functional base on the Moon before we look to further our explorations. One reason for my opinion is that by using the moon as a staging area, we wouldn't have Earth's gravity to deal with, so we wouldn't need the same type of costly rockets when we probe deeper into the solar system. Oh my, I seem to have become devastatingly sober!
Neyland - Alright, on that note we will wrap up today's program. I had a few more questions, but it appears that Britney and The Situation have decided that making out on my set is perfectly acceptable and Lohan is now drinking what looks to be floor polish in an attempt to return to HappyDrugLand. I'll see you all back here if we're not cancelled.
*************************************
We'll be back tomorrow with another Letters From The Edge. This time with real letters and comments!
Neyland D. Catt
Showing posts with label The Situation. Show all posts
Showing posts with label The Situation. Show all posts
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Monday, October 18, 2010
Neylo's Intellectual Roundtable - Episode 1
Hello and welcome to the first episode of Neylo's Intellectual Roundtable. I am your host, Neyland D. Catt and today I am bringing you a gathering of the nation's foremost intellectual giants to discuss some hot-button issues. Trust me when I tell you that these are the big brains. The Einsteins. Joining me today are Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino, who is a self-professed genius of working out and stuff. Next to him is Britney Spears, an expert in re-animation. She is obviously tops in her field, as she has resurrected her own career more times than a Night of The Living Dead movie. Beside Brit is, of course, Lindsey Lohan, who is an expert at making people believe she is important. And finally we have Toucan Sam, beloved cartoon mascot. he is an expert at being a cereal whore. Alright, let's begin...
Neyland - Our first topic tonight is Satire in the Enlightenment. Who was the more influential satirist: Voltaire or Samuel Johnson? We'll start with Britney Spears.
Britney - Uh. What now?
Neyland - Voltaire or Johnson, Brit.
Britney - Dang y'all! That's a tough one, y'all!
Neyland - Nevermind. Situation?
The Situation - I'd just like to say "What's up?" to everybody out there watching! I'm up here interlectualizing to prove there's more to me than just this fantastic set of abs. (Stands up and removes shirt to show abs)
Neyland - Whatever. Who was more influential?
The Situation - I'm really not sure which of them guys was more influenza. Can I phone a friend?
Neyland - Wrong show there abs of steel.
The Situation - I just hate to get it wrong, you know?
Neyland - There's no right or wrong answer wise guy. You don't think this is a game show do you? There's no prize. There's not even a winner. This is just a discussion.
The Situation - Uh oh. Looks like we got ourselves a situation! (Grins lamely at the camera)
Neyland - Hmm. No, I'm not sure we do. Next. Lohan... Voltaire or Johnson?
LiLo - Ack!
Neyland - Lohan! Are you literally snorting cocaine on my set??
LiLo - Whooooo! Look at my junk!!! (Lifts skirt. Thankfully the censor bar saves the day)
Neyland - Good grief. Toucan Sam, what do you have for me?
Toucan Sam - I believe that Samuel Johnson's works were in some ways derivative of Voltaire's as well as being counterpoints to them. I find his characterizations more one-dimensional than those from, say, Candide. Voltaire's characters evolve and grow as we all do in life. It's for that reason that I personally believe Voltaire's works to be superior.
Neyland - Wow. That's good stuff there Toucan.
Toucan Sam - I just follow my nose old boy!
Neyland - Alright, our next topic is the Gaza Strip. Who, if anyone, has the right to settle there? Let's start with Britwit again.
Britney Spears - Um. Everybody?
Neyland - Wow. I suppose that's remarkable in its own way. Your answer almost seemed to show some tiny spark of comprehension. I mean, you at least seemed to understand that I was asking a question that time.
Britney Spears - Um. Am I supposed to flash my junk like LiLo now?
Neyland - No. Nobody needs to see that again. Speaking of Lohan...
Lindsey Lohan - Uck! Blorp!
Neyland - Aw geez! Lohan just hurled all over the set! Cut to commercial!
The Situation - Aaaghh! It's on my abs!!!
Neyland - We'll be right back after this folks...
***************
Back tomorrow with part two!
Neyland - Our first topic tonight is Satire in the Enlightenment. Who was the more influential satirist: Voltaire or Samuel Johnson? We'll start with Britney Spears.
Britney - Uh. What now?
Neyland - Voltaire or Johnson, Brit.
Britney - Dang y'all! That's a tough one, y'all!
Neyland - Nevermind. Situation?
The Situation - I'd just like to say "What's up?" to everybody out there watching! I'm up here interlectualizing to prove there's more to me than just this fantastic set of abs. (Stands up and removes shirt to show abs)
Neyland - Whatever. Who was more influential?
The Situation - I'm really not sure which of them guys was more influenza. Can I phone a friend?
Neyland - Wrong show there abs of steel.
The Situation - I just hate to get it wrong, you know?
Neyland - There's no right or wrong answer wise guy. You don't think this is a game show do you? There's no prize. There's not even a winner. This is just a discussion.
The Situation - Uh oh. Looks like we got ourselves a situation! (Grins lamely at the camera)
Neyland - Hmm. No, I'm not sure we do. Next. Lohan... Voltaire or Johnson?
LiLo - Ack!
Neyland - Lohan! Are you literally snorting cocaine on my set??
LiLo - Whooooo! Look at my junk!!! (Lifts skirt. Thankfully the censor bar saves the day)
Neyland - Good grief. Toucan Sam, what do you have for me?
Toucan Sam - I believe that Samuel Johnson's works were in some ways derivative of Voltaire's as well as being counterpoints to them. I find his characterizations more one-dimensional than those from, say, Candide. Voltaire's characters evolve and grow as we all do in life. It's for that reason that I personally believe Voltaire's works to be superior.
Neyland - Wow. That's good stuff there Toucan.
Toucan Sam - I just follow my nose old boy!
Neyland - Alright, our next topic is the Gaza Strip. Who, if anyone, has the right to settle there? Let's start with Britwit again.
Britney Spears - Um. Everybody?
Neyland - Wow. I suppose that's remarkable in its own way. Your answer almost seemed to show some tiny spark of comprehension. I mean, you at least seemed to understand that I was asking a question that time.
Britney Spears - Um. Am I supposed to flash my junk like LiLo now?
Neyland - No. Nobody needs to see that again. Speaking of Lohan...
Lindsey Lohan - Uck! Blorp!
Neyland - Aw geez! Lohan just hurled all over the set! Cut to commercial!
The Situation - Aaaghh! It's on my abs!!!
Neyland - We'll be right back after this folks...
***************
Back tomorrow with part two!
Monday, September 27, 2010
An Impartial Guide To Dancing With The Stars
Hello again. Your old pal Neyland has treat for you today: a guide to the new season of Dancing With The Stars. What's that? You don't like the show? You have no need of my guidance on the subject? Yes. Yes you do. You just don't know it yet. You'll want to stick around till the end anyway, because I have a HUGE announcement. Yeah. It's so big that capitalization is necessary.
So, it's the 115th season of Dancing with the Stars. Remember back when the show started? Neither do I, but I'm pretty sure that Julius Caesar won the first mirrorball trophy. The trophy was presented by Len Goodman who still judges today. This season's dancers are notable and diverse and a little less "talked about" than last season. Let's take a look at each member of "the most *insert hyperbole here* cast/season in the history of Dancing with the Stars!!!!"
David Hasselhoff - If you haven't watched last week's show, then don't get your hopes up. The Hoff is gone. Booted. Adios. I guess that's a sign that the ratings and participation must be pretty high this year. Why? There must have been a lot of people voting for the other stars to out-vote the entire country of Germany. Seriously, this dude was bad. I mean, I'm a cat, all dancing looks a spasming death throe to me, but I knew he was bad.
Bristol Palin - Please. Please. Please please please stop asking her about her mother!!!! Poor Bristol will be lucky to come out of this with any pride intact.
Florence Henderson - Turns out Flo is a dirty old woman. A dirty old non dancing nympho. Someone please stop this woman before it goes too far. I fear a sweaty makeout session between Flo and Len Goodman and I fear that ABC doesn't have the good sense to cut away.
Brandy - Brandy can seriously dance! Nobody remembers who she is, but they all agree that she can dance. Unfortunately, Brandy gets WAY too excited after any amount of praise, so I predict she will be hospitalized before the halfway mark of the season and will be out of contention.
Audrina Patridge - That's right. Just stand there and look pretty Audrina. Nothing going on behind the eyes. Decent dancer, but there's only so much room in her head for instructions.
Rick Fox - His good looks will only get him so far. Eventually the fact that he's dancing with a midget will come back to haunt him.
Margaret Cho - Usually the asian figure skating chicks do much better than this. What? She's a comedian? Really? Are you sure? Then why isn't she funny?
Jennifer Grey - Jennifer looks like a shoe-in on paper. She would have been too if she hadn't lost her real nose somewhere along the way. She was a much better dancer when she had that nose. Maybe next season, ABC can convince her original nose to do the show! I bet it would win.
Michael Bolton - This guy has made a career out of singing other people's songs. Now he's gonna try to win DWTS by stealing other people's dance moves. You wait and see. It'll probably work too.
Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino - Man! Pauly Shore really buffed up after he cut his hair! Sorry. The Situation. Right. He's a celebrity because he has ripped abs and acts like a douche. He will be in the final three. I'm onto you ABC!
Kurt Warner - Nice guy. Happily married. Doesn't dance too bad. He's eliminated third week.
Kyle Massey - Wow. Did you see him last week? I mean wow. I really really want to see him win. I think he will. And it won't have anything to do with ABC's affiliation with Disney.
**********************************
So there you have my breakdown. Kyle Massey wins. The Situation will annoy right up to the finals. Florence Henderson will stick around waaaaayy too long. Oh yeah, and Bruno will act smarmy. Hey! The Biggest Loser is back too! Maybe there should be a hybrid show... Dancing With The Big Losers!
Alright. Enough about all of that. What's my BIG announcement? How about my own animated special? Yeah. You heard me. Neyland D. Catt... animated. I'll have details tomorrow.
Neyland D. Catt
So, it's the 115th season of Dancing with the Stars. Remember back when the show started? Neither do I, but I'm pretty sure that Julius Caesar won the first mirrorball trophy. The trophy was presented by Len Goodman who still judges today. This season's dancers are notable and diverse and a little less "talked about" than last season. Let's take a look at each member of "the most *insert hyperbole here* cast/season in the history of Dancing with the Stars!!!!"
David Hasselhoff - If you haven't watched last week's show, then don't get your hopes up. The Hoff is gone. Booted. Adios. I guess that's a sign that the ratings and participation must be pretty high this year. Why? There must have been a lot of people voting for the other stars to out-vote the entire country of Germany. Seriously, this dude was bad. I mean, I'm a cat, all dancing looks a spasming death throe to me, but I knew he was bad.
Bristol Palin - Please. Please. Please please please stop asking her about her mother!!!! Poor Bristol will be lucky to come out of this with any pride intact.
Florence Henderson - Turns out Flo is a dirty old woman. A dirty old non dancing nympho. Someone please stop this woman before it goes too far. I fear a sweaty makeout session between Flo and Len Goodman and I fear that ABC doesn't have the good sense to cut away.
Brandy - Brandy can seriously dance! Nobody remembers who she is, but they all agree that she can dance. Unfortunately, Brandy gets WAY too excited after any amount of praise, so I predict she will be hospitalized before the halfway mark of the season and will be out of contention.
Audrina Patridge - That's right. Just stand there and look pretty Audrina. Nothing going on behind the eyes. Decent dancer, but there's only so much room in her head for instructions.
Rick Fox - His good looks will only get him so far. Eventually the fact that he's dancing with a midget will come back to haunt him.
Margaret Cho - Usually the asian figure skating chicks do much better than this. What? She's a comedian? Really? Are you sure? Then why isn't she funny?
Jennifer Grey - Jennifer looks like a shoe-in on paper. She would have been too if she hadn't lost her real nose somewhere along the way. She was a much better dancer when she had that nose. Maybe next season, ABC can convince her original nose to do the show! I bet it would win.
Michael Bolton - This guy has made a career out of singing other people's songs. Now he's gonna try to win DWTS by stealing other people's dance moves. You wait and see. It'll probably work too.
Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino - Man! Pauly Shore really buffed up after he cut his hair! Sorry. The Situation. Right. He's a celebrity because he has ripped abs and acts like a douche. He will be in the final three. I'm onto you ABC!
Kurt Warner - Nice guy. Happily married. Doesn't dance too bad. He's eliminated third week.
Kyle Massey - Wow. Did you see him last week? I mean wow. I really really want to see him win. I think he will. And it won't have anything to do with ABC's affiliation with Disney.
**********************************
So there you have my breakdown. Kyle Massey wins. The Situation will annoy right up to the finals. Florence Henderson will stick around waaaaayy too long. Oh yeah, and Bruno will act smarmy. Hey! The Biggest Loser is back too! Maybe there should be a hybrid show... Dancing With The Big Losers!
Alright. Enough about all of that. What's my BIG announcement? How about my own animated special? Yeah. You heard me. Neyland D. Catt... animated. I'll have details tomorrow.
Neyland D. Catt
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