Howdy kids. Neyland D. Catt back for a second post in two days. That's practically a record! I haven't bashed on all the Hollywood types in a while, so today is my day to get my fix! Prepare yourselves for a round of informative mockery of the latest happenings in Entertainment Town...
First up: Miley Cyrus smokes a bong in a video!
Gasp! Say it ain't so! Let's face it, Miley is not a little kid anymore. She is a young adult now. Young adults, especially those with lots of money and fame, see their IQ's drop by at least half for a period of around 8 to 10 years. They will do extraordinarily stupid things just because they have the option to. This is the period of time that nature uses to try and kill off the truly, terminally stupid. I won't even get into the debate of whether she was smoking salvia or marijuana. Really doesn't matter much. My gut tells me that Miley will survive her wild-child years with at least some of her dignity intact. However, she will probably end up on Dancing With The Stars at some point. Not sure what will remain of her dignity after that.
"The Hasselhoffs" Cancelled after 2 episodes!
Wow. Didn't even make it long enough to get re-runs to air forever in Germany. This is good news folks. This struck a blow for good taste across the world. Combine this with his hasty exit from Dancing With The Stars and you have a clear message: America is sick of David Hasselhoff! Seriously, dude, if you were a cat, you'd have used up all 9 lives 15 years ago. Give it up. The whole Zombie craze is starting to fade anyway.*
Racy Pics of Christina Aguilera leaked!
Not really sure this news. Christina has been "racy" for as long as I can remember. Maybe they were pictures of her fully clothed and being demure? It amazes me that stars are shocked when stuff like this comes out. Really?! You were surprised that pictures of you in some bondage outfit made it to the internet? There was someone standing right in front of you with a camera! Taking pictures! In this day and age, everyone and I do mean EVERYONE, has a digital gizmo on them at all times. Chances are it can take pictures. Or video. Or 3D. Or 4D with smell-o-vision. The point is, if you don't want the video of you making out with an armadillo showing up on the internet, then don't make out with the armadillo. Or at least check him for cameras first.
SpaceX launches Dragon capsule into orbit!
What does this have to do with Hollywood you might ask? Nothing. Except that once again, we sent a spaceship off the planet and missed the opportunity to send Lady GaGa with it!
See you kids later! I'd write more, but I have to go take a wiki-leak.**
Neyland D. Catt
*Neyland actually believes that David Hasselhoff is a zombie. I've tried correcting him, but he does offer up some compelling evidence.
**He has no idea what the whole Wikileaks thing is all about. He has simply borrowed the term to describe going to the bathroom. That's my boy.
Showing posts with label David Hasselhoff. Show all posts
Showing posts with label David Hasselhoff. Show all posts
Saturday, December 11, 2010
Thursday, October 14, 2010
The Top 10 Things I Care About But Shouldn't
Hello folks! Welcome back to Neyland D. Catt's little slice of the virtual pie. It's a Thursday and there is probably some blog hoppin' going on around here somewhere. If you are new here... read the previous post. It will explain a small bit of the insanity you are currently experiencing. Some of the insanity is inexplicable. Some of it, well frankly, you brought with you. Now then, it's time for something a little different. A Top 10 list. Yep. I know. Everybody has one. I am now guilty of falling into lockstep with the notorious "Joneses". Here we go...
10. Miley Cyrus and her new video.
I know I really shouldn't care, but for some reason I keep reading articles about this contreversy. Perhaps it's because I see the probable future. Another Britney/Lindsey/Lady GaGa. That frightens me more than anything else Halloween can conjure up. This child starlet thing never ends well. If you know a young starlet, pull her away from the toxic Hollywood lifestyle now before it's too late! All in all though, the video wasn't as bad as I expected.
9. Dancing With The Stars.
Why?? WHY?! Why do I still pay attention to this? I am beginning to suspect that there are latent masochistic tendencies in my genes. Fortunately, I have seen enough of "The Situation" on tis show that I never need to watch Jersey Shore. Ever. At least it may have finally killed Hasselhoff's career.*
8. Halloween.
I should hate Halloween on principle because of its negative stereotyping of cats, but instead I'm writing Halloween Tales To Terrify and poetry about it. Geez. Maybe I'm just a sellout.
7. The price of tea in China.
I probably shouldn't care, but someone has to.
6. Iran's nuclear program.
Cats have little interest in politics, but this Ahmedinejadabob guy is standing in my way on the path to world domination. What a nutbar. Really, is anyone comfortable with him having access to a nuke? I mean, even he is probably like... "Whoa! Who let me get my hands on this stuff? Who knows what I might do?"
5. Facebook.
Oh I'm not on it. But I am fascinated by it. I watch people spend literally hours doing essentially nothing, but doing it fastidiously and emphatically. It's like watching a train wreck. A train wreck where the train doesn't actually wreck, but everyone is injured anyway.
4. My animated short film.
I shouldn't care because Big Pinkie is slow. By the time he is finished with it, Ahmedinejad will have blown us all to kingdom come with his crazy nuke.**
3. Oprah.
Sure, she seems nice. But I suspect that she might be number two on my list after the nutbar from Iran.
2. Lindsey Lohan's mental state.
See number 10 for a prologue. Seriously, we and the tabloids bear at least some of the blame. We love to see celebrities fall and the tabloids help that failure along. As soon as a teen starlet nears her peak, the tabloids are shoving 500 bucks at some seedy guy in a club saying, "Here, now take this bag of cocaine over there to that little girl. There's an extra 500 in it for you if you can get her to snort it off this picture of the Pope!"
1. My Followers Counter.
I really, really shouldn't care. But every day I sneak a peek. Just to make sure someone is listening.
*******************
So there you have it. My first Top 10 list. I hope you enjoyed it. It might be the last. Ten is a lot. Maybe a Top 2 next time! Anyway, I have to go... I have a Dancing With The Stars DVR'ed.
Neyland D. Catt
*David Hasselhoff's career is like a vampire. It can't be killed by conventional methods. Dancing With The Stars may have driven a stake through its heart, but someone still has to cut off the head. Otherwise, he'll back with something to make Knight Rider look cool.
**This is simply not true. Cats have no patience. I will be hard at work on the short this weekend.
---Big Pinkie
10. Miley Cyrus and her new video.
I know I really shouldn't care, but for some reason I keep reading articles about this contreversy. Perhaps it's because I see the probable future. Another Britney/Lindsey/Lady GaGa. That frightens me more than anything else Halloween can conjure up. This child starlet thing never ends well. If you know a young starlet, pull her away from the toxic Hollywood lifestyle now before it's too late! All in all though, the video wasn't as bad as I expected.
9. Dancing With The Stars.
Why?? WHY?! Why do I still pay attention to this? I am beginning to suspect that there are latent masochistic tendencies in my genes. Fortunately, I have seen enough of "The Situation" on tis show that I never need to watch Jersey Shore. Ever. At least it may have finally killed Hasselhoff's career.*
8. Halloween.
I should hate Halloween on principle because of its negative stereotyping of cats, but instead I'm writing Halloween Tales To Terrify and poetry about it. Geez. Maybe I'm just a sellout.
7. The price of tea in China.
I probably shouldn't care, but someone has to.
6. Iran's nuclear program.
Cats have little interest in politics, but this Ahmedinejadabob guy is standing in my way on the path to world domination. What a nutbar. Really, is anyone comfortable with him having access to a nuke? I mean, even he is probably like... "Whoa! Who let me get my hands on this stuff? Who knows what I might do?"
5. Facebook.
Oh I'm not on it. But I am fascinated by it. I watch people spend literally hours doing essentially nothing, but doing it fastidiously and emphatically. It's like watching a train wreck. A train wreck where the train doesn't actually wreck, but everyone is injured anyway.
4. My animated short film.
I shouldn't care because Big Pinkie is slow. By the time he is finished with it, Ahmedinejad will have blown us all to kingdom come with his crazy nuke.**
3. Oprah.
Sure, she seems nice. But I suspect that she might be number two on my list after the nutbar from Iran.
2. Lindsey Lohan's mental state.
See number 10 for a prologue. Seriously, we and the tabloids bear at least some of the blame. We love to see celebrities fall and the tabloids help that failure along. As soon as a teen starlet nears her peak, the tabloids are shoving 500 bucks at some seedy guy in a club saying, "Here, now take this bag of cocaine over there to that little girl. There's an extra 500 in it for you if you can get her to snort it off this picture of the Pope!"
1. My Followers Counter.
I really, really shouldn't care. But every day I sneak a peek. Just to make sure someone is listening.
*******************
So there you have it. My first Top 10 list. I hope you enjoyed it. It might be the last. Ten is a lot. Maybe a Top 2 next time! Anyway, I have to go... I have a Dancing With The Stars DVR'ed.
Neyland D. Catt
*David Hasselhoff's career is like a vampire. It can't be killed by conventional methods. Dancing With The Stars may have driven a stake through its heart, but someone still has to cut off the head. Otherwise, he'll back with something to make Knight Rider look cool.
**This is simply not true. Cats have no patience. I will be hard at work on the short this weekend.
---Big Pinkie
Monday, September 27, 2010
An Impartial Guide To Dancing With The Stars
Hello again. Your old pal Neyland has treat for you today: a guide to the new season of Dancing With The Stars. What's that? You don't like the show? You have no need of my guidance on the subject? Yes. Yes you do. You just don't know it yet. You'll want to stick around till the end anyway, because I have a HUGE announcement. Yeah. It's so big that capitalization is necessary.
So, it's the 115th season of Dancing with the Stars. Remember back when the show started? Neither do I, but I'm pretty sure that Julius Caesar won the first mirrorball trophy. The trophy was presented by Len Goodman who still judges today. This season's dancers are notable and diverse and a little less "talked about" than last season. Let's take a look at each member of "the most *insert hyperbole here* cast/season in the history of Dancing with the Stars!!!!"
David Hasselhoff - If you haven't watched last week's show, then don't get your hopes up. The Hoff is gone. Booted. Adios. I guess that's a sign that the ratings and participation must be pretty high this year. Why? There must have been a lot of people voting for the other stars to out-vote the entire country of Germany. Seriously, this dude was bad. I mean, I'm a cat, all dancing looks a spasming death throe to me, but I knew he was bad.
Bristol Palin - Please. Please. Please please please stop asking her about her mother!!!! Poor Bristol will be lucky to come out of this with any pride intact.
Florence Henderson - Turns out Flo is a dirty old woman. A dirty old non dancing nympho. Someone please stop this woman before it goes too far. I fear a sweaty makeout session between Flo and Len Goodman and I fear that ABC doesn't have the good sense to cut away.
Brandy - Brandy can seriously dance! Nobody remembers who she is, but they all agree that she can dance. Unfortunately, Brandy gets WAY too excited after any amount of praise, so I predict she will be hospitalized before the halfway mark of the season and will be out of contention.
Audrina Patridge - That's right. Just stand there and look pretty Audrina. Nothing going on behind the eyes. Decent dancer, but there's only so much room in her head for instructions.
Rick Fox - His good looks will only get him so far. Eventually the fact that he's dancing with a midget will come back to haunt him.
Margaret Cho - Usually the asian figure skating chicks do much better than this. What? She's a comedian? Really? Are you sure? Then why isn't she funny?
Jennifer Grey - Jennifer looks like a shoe-in on paper. She would have been too if she hadn't lost her real nose somewhere along the way. She was a much better dancer when she had that nose. Maybe next season, ABC can convince her original nose to do the show! I bet it would win.
Michael Bolton - This guy has made a career out of singing other people's songs. Now he's gonna try to win DWTS by stealing other people's dance moves. You wait and see. It'll probably work too.
Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino - Man! Pauly Shore really buffed up after he cut his hair! Sorry. The Situation. Right. He's a celebrity because he has ripped abs and acts like a douche. He will be in the final three. I'm onto you ABC!
Kurt Warner - Nice guy. Happily married. Doesn't dance too bad. He's eliminated third week.
Kyle Massey - Wow. Did you see him last week? I mean wow. I really really want to see him win. I think he will. And it won't have anything to do with ABC's affiliation with Disney.
**********************************
So there you have my breakdown. Kyle Massey wins. The Situation will annoy right up to the finals. Florence Henderson will stick around waaaaayy too long. Oh yeah, and Bruno will act smarmy. Hey! The Biggest Loser is back too! Maybe there should be a hybrid show... Dancing With The Big Losers!
Alright. Enough about all of that. What's my BIG announcement? How about my own animated special? Yeah. You heard me. Neyland D. Catt... animated. I'll have details tomorrow.
Neyland D. Catt
So, it's the 115th season of Dancing with the Stars. Remember back when the show started? Neither do I, but I'm pretty sure that Julius Caesar won the first mirrorball trophy. The trophy was presented by Len Goodman who still judges today. This season's dancers are notable and diverse and a little less "talked about" than last season. Let's take a look at each member of "the most *insert hyperbole here* cast/season in the history of Dancing with the Stars!!!!"
David Hasselhoff - If you haven't watched last week's show, then don't get your hopes up. The Hoff is gone. Booted. Adios. I guess that's a sign that the ratings and participation must be pretty high this year. Why? There must have been a lot of people voting for the other stars to out-vote the entire country of Germany. Seriously, this dude was bad. I mean, I'm a cat, all dancing looks a spasming death throe to me, but I knew he was bad.
Bristol Palin - Please. Please. Please please please stop asking her about her mother!!!! Poor Bristol will be lucky to come out of this with any pride intact.
Florence Henderson - Turns out Flo is a dirty old woman. A dirty old non dancing nympho. Someone please stop this woman before it goes too far. I fear a sweaty makeout session between Flo and Len Goodman and I fear that ABC doesn't have the good sense to cut away.
Brandy - Brandy can seriously dance! Nobody remembers who she is, but they all agree that she can dance. Unfortunately, Brandy gets WAY too excited after any amount of praise, so I predict she will be hospitalized before the halfway mark of the season and will be out of contention.
Audrina Patridge - That's right. Just stand there and look pretty Audrina. Nothing going on behind the eyes. Decent dancer, but there's only so much room in her head for instructions.
Rick Fox - His good looks will only get him so far. Eventually the fact that he's dancing with a midget will come back to haunt him.
Margaret Cho - Usually the asian figure skating chicks do much better than this. What? She's a comedian? Really? Are you sure? Then why isn't she funny?
Jennifer Grey - Jennifer looks like a shoe-in on paper. She would have been too if she hadn't lost her real nose somewhere along the way. She was a much better dancer when she had that nose. Maybe next season, ABC can convince her original nose to do the show! I bet it would win.
Michael Bolton - This guy has made a career out of singing other people's songs. Now he's gonna try to win DWTS by stealing other people's dance moves. You wait and see. It'll probably work too.
Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino - Man! Pauly Shore really buffed up after he cut his hair! Sorry. The Situation. Right. He's a celebrity because he has ripped abs and acts like a douche. He will be in the final three. I'm onto you ABC!
Kurt Warner - Nice guy. Happily married. Doesn't dance too bad. He's eliminated third week.
Kyle Massey - Wow. Did you see him last week? I mean wow. I really really want to see him win. I think he will. And it won't have anything to do with ABC's affiliation with Disney.
**********************************
So there you have my breakdown. Kyle Massey wins. The Situation will annoy right up to the finals. Florence Henderson will stick around waaaaayy too long. Oh yeah, and Bruno will act smarmy. Hey! The Biggest Loser is back too! Maybe there should be a hybrid show... Dancing With The Big Losers!
Alright. Enough about all of that. What's my BIG announcement? How about my own animated special? Yeah. You heard me. Neyland D. Catt... animated. I'll have details tomorrow.
Neyland D. Catt
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