A Cat's Guide To Urban Legends
Welcome back once again to all of my friends and a curse (May Kate Gosselin take up residence in your garage!) to all of my enemies. You know which you are. Today I thought I might try something a little different. I like to keep things fresh around here, unlike the litter box. (Thanks a lot Tiger) So here is a guide to urban legends from a cat's eye view:
1. Cats can be sucked up by the vacuum cleaner.
As it turns out, this one is true, but only if you are a svelte kitty (no worries for Tiger) and you are very slow and unattentive. All cats have faced the horror of being in the same general location of the dreaded vacuum, but have you ever met anyone who was actually eaten by the beast? No? I didn't think so. The vacuum horrifies us all but really is no danger as long as you don't panic. Remember, it is being controlled by humans after all. On a side note, the jury is still out on the real purpose of the vacuum. Do we buy the propaganda that it was invented to keep the floors clean or do we believe that it was made with the express purpose of traumatizing the feline race? I'm a conspiracy buff, so I vote for the latter.
2. The Perfect Nap.
Most modern cats no longer believe the magical Perfect Nap exists. There is no scientific evidence to say that it does. Nevertheless, I will continue to seek it each and every day. If you are a cat... you will too.
That's right. The Yeti. It's real. You've probably seen pictures on the internet. They are totally real. Trust me. I've fought more than one in the back yard. Nasty creatures with bad tempers.
4. Rosie O'Donnell.
That's right. Rosie. She's real. She's also a Yeti.
5. Possums are good eatin' in the south.
False. I think this one is just lost in translation though. It should be "Possums are good eaters in the south". We have one that stops by twice a week to gobble up food on the back deck. We call him George. Dull kinda guy. Kinda dim-witted too. Still, I'd rather find him on my back porch than Rosie.
6. Mentos and soda make an explosion.
True. If you have enough of them, it makes a really, really big explosion. Unbeknownst to most people is the fact that the Weapons of Mass Destruction we were looking for in Iraq were actually huge Mentos and soda cannons. They were never found because the Iraqi forces got hungry and ate all of the Mentos.*
7. Sitting too close to the TV can make you go blind.
Actually, it's watching too much Reality TV. And it doesn't make you go blind. It makes you wish you were blind.
Hope this helped clarify a few feline and non-feline urban legends. That's what I'm here for - to help. Well, to help and to someday conquer the Western Hemisphere.
*Sounds like a strange theory, right? Sadly, it's not the strangest one I've heard regarding WMDs and why we didn't find any. I prefer to believe Neylo's version. I sleep better at night.