Friday, November 26, 2010

Technical Difficulties... OR Big Pinkie's Big Pain

Sorry to have been absent from your computer monitors for the last week.  Big Pinkie had an unexpected trip to the hospital!  The doctors were concerned about possible heart issues, etc.  We were all extremely concerned.  After all, who would help me post my blog updates if the Pinkie was unavailable?  Who would be strong enough to heft the ginormous Tiger in the pet carrier when he's sick?  I'm sure there are other things he does around here too, but none of them are coming to my mind right now.

Anyway, in the end, it turned out that Big Pinkie has a couple of massive rocks in his kidneys.  The doctor called them stones, but they looked more like those big slabs at Stonehenge.  I'm personally not sure how they got there.  I haven't seen the guy eating any rocks lately, but you never know.  He just kind of shook his head and shuffled away when I asked him how it happened.  He closed the door in my face when I asked if I could use any pictures from the hospital on the blog.  He yelled and threw the remote at me when I tried to swipe the disk with his CT scan pictures on it.  The dude is a real grinch when he's sick.

So, the basic story here is that the Big Pinkie is home now after several days and a multitude of tests in the hospital.  He seems okay but is a little grouchy and doesn't move around too much.  He has to go back into the hospital next week so they can bust his rocks into little pieces.  That would have been the perfect place for one of Pinkie's little asterix comments.  Hmm.  It's just not the same without him here to try to defuse a statement like "bust his rocks into little pieces".  We will be round from time to time, because we have some great posts coming at you, but in all honesty, posting will be hit and miss for a couple of weeks.  Sorry for the inconvenience.  I know you all want more of your Neyland.  I miss you too.

Neyland D. Catt

Friday, November 19, 2010

A Turkey of an Interview

Hello again folks and welcome to the home of Neyland D. Catt's diabolical schemes and absurd commentary.  I am your host... Neyland D. Catt.  Today I am going to help all of you get into the holiday mood with my interview of a very special guest.  Everyone please give it up for Tom T. Turkey...

Neyland: Tom, it's a real pleasure to have you on the show today.

Tom: Thank you Neyland.  It's an honor to be here.

Neyland: So, I imagine this is a busy time of year for you.

Tom: Absolutely!  I spend the vast majority of my time fleeing for my life from hunters armed with rifles.  Those guys are absolutely doing everything they can to kill me!  I do find some downtime to indulge in my hobbies though.

Neyland: Really?  Like what?

Tom:  Oh, mostly painting with watercolors and watching Desperate Housewives.

Neyland: Wow.  Not really what I expected.  So, Tom, what is your reaction to all of these guys trying to blow your head off?

Tom: I really don't understand it Neyland.  I mean, I get that everybody is all about eating turkey on Thanksgiving, but what I don't get is why.  Why fixate on turkeys?  The damn pilgrims probably didn't eat turkey and that certainly wasn't all they ate.  So why focus on us?  Why can't everybody have beef stew or salmon for Thanksgiving?

Neyland:  It could be due to the general tastiness of your kind.

Tom:  Well, I wouldn't know, would I?  I've certainly never eaten another turkey!

Neyland: Boy howdy I have!  The dark meat is juicy and tender.  I have to say, you guys taste pretty awesome.

Tom:  Uh.  I really don't know how to respond to that.

Neyland:  That's a compliment Tom.

Tom:  Um.  Ok.

Neyland:  By the way, if you feel like you might need to take a quick bath, we have a tub set up for you over there next to the kitchen.

Tom:  Is that butter?

Neyland:  Probably not.

Tom:  Why do you have a kitchen on the set anyway?

Neyland:  We sometimes do a cooking show after the interviews.

Tom:  Ah.  But you're not today right?

Neyland:  I sure hope so.  What advice would you give to other young turkeys out there to grow up big and strong and scrumptious like you?

Tom:  Well, I would tell them to follow their- wait, did you say scrumptious?

Neyland:  I don't think so.  Go on...

Tom:  I'm getting a little uncomfortable with where this is going... why are you wearing a bib?

Neyland:  I can't lie to ya buddy.  I'm pretty much going to eat you.

Tom:  WHAT??!?

Neyland:  Yeah.  That was the plan all along.  I'm sorry, but you guys are totally delicious.  I'm surprised that there aren't hordes of turkey cannibals running wild in the fields.  If other cats tasted like you... well I'd probably still eat turkey.  My point, though, is that I can't help myself.  You are going in the oven and then in my belly.  It's what Thanksgiving is all about.  The Pilgrims might not have eaten turkey back in the day, but today, turkey is what unites this nation for one glorious day.  So I'm sorry that you and the rest of your kind have to be eaten, but know that it's for a higher cause.  Right?

Tom: Mphhhmrhhphh!!

Neyland:  Sorry Tom.  Can't understand you with all that stuffing in your mouth.  Anyway folks, we are out of time, but I'll see you all real soon with an exclusive interview with a Christmas Goose.  Goodbye for now and Happy Turkey Hunting!

Neyland D. Catt

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Cheerz and Jeerz #2

Welcome back!  We are nearing the weekend and your old pal Neyland D. Catt is here to help make the last leg of the journey more enjoyable.  Or more surreal anyway!  Today is the long anticipated return of the Cheerz and Jeerz.  What sets this feature apart from others with similar names?  The quality?  The creativity?  Nope.  The "z's" at the end.  Gives us mad street cred too.  Makes it seem hip and cool to the youngsters.  We are even considering changing it to "Tha Cheerz and Jeerz" because a "Tha" brings more street cred than one can realistically expect in one lifetime.*  Anyway... on with the show!

CHEERZ - The Beatles are finally on iTunes

At long last the lads from Liverpool grace the internet music scene legally.  I'm sure no Beatles fan has already found a way to have their music on an iPod.  Right?  The Fab Four are now digital and there is no going back.  Now we can all go back to hoping there is some long lost "new" Beatles song that will be released unexpectedly.

JEERZ - Lady GaGa is still on iTunes

Geez.  How long does 15 minutes last these days?

CHEERZ - New Harry Potter Movie!

At last a new Potter film is upon us and the end of the franchise is in sight.  Ah, I remember when those crazy kids first appeared on our screens back in 1964.  They took America by storm.  No.  Not the Beatles.  The Potter kids.  Geez.  The dude that plays Harry just had a mid-life crisis while filming the last movie.  Ron's walker had to be digitally removed from the footage.  At least they won't have to worry about being type-cast when the series is over.  They will be retired.

JEERZ - A New M. Night Shyamalan Movie!

In his latest effort to reduce the population of the world to drooling lunacy, M. Night brings us the story of a director who has one good film to launch his career and then spends the rest of his days flinging feces around like a monkey in a cage.  Watch out!  There will be a shocking twist at the end!

CHEERZ - Facebook offers e-mail!

Great!  Now we can all be COMPLETELY connected through the Matrix... I mean Facebook... all the time!  Plus, Facebook will now have way more information about you that can be accidentally accessed by Ham radio operators and any aliens who happen to pass too close to our planet.

JEERZ - The Great Facebook vs. Google War

It's the innocent victims I worry about in this upcoming conflict.  Armies of digital information brokers meeting on a virtual battlefield are never a good thing.  We can only hope that there will be a peaceful resolution.  Maybe even an alliance.  They could merge into one mega-service called GooglyFace.  It wouldn't do anything, but would have a really cute logo with googly-eyes on a smily face and you would instantly be friends with everyone in the world.  Except people who use Myspace.  And M. Night Shyamalan.

See y'all tomorrow with something random from my brain!
Neyland D. Catt

* Neyland doesn't actually understand what street cred means.  I'm not exactly sure what he thinks it is, but he probably thinks it has some bearing on his credit score.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Fun with Captcha words!

Today's glimpse into the madcap mind of Neyland D. Catt is a bouncy little number called "Fun with Captcha words". For those of you who don't know what a captcha word is, just try posting a comment on this or nearly any other blog. They are the bizzare little "words" that you have to type in to prove that you are not a bot. Which is kinda unfair when you think about it. Robots are being discriminated against. Why shouldn't they have the same rights as the rest of us when it comes to commenting on blogs? Stop the madness! Give robots equal rights!

Sorry. Back to the topic at hand... captcha words. I've made more than a few comments on blogs around the interwebbernets, so I've seen my fair share of these little buggers.* Some people that I've talked to are quite confused as to what these words mean. So, today I am going to share some definitions of captcha words that you may see during your daily surfing session.

Undists - (Uhn disseds, noun) 1.Similar in nature to nudists. Undists wear only their underwear. They live in secluded communities or are sometimes found lounging on living room couches. 2.Undists may also refer to people who have been "dissed", but the dis has later been retracted, caused them to be undissed.

Inats - (Eye Naats, noun) 1.Apple's sleek, robotic version of the common gnat. Now conveniently compatible with iPads, iPods, and iTunes. These gizmos fly around playing your pirated mp3's, but are still authentically annoying like real gnats.

Pillizine - (Pihl Ah Zeen, noun) 1.A monthly publication, much like a magazine, that is devoted entirely to the subject matter of pills. Notable subscribers include Lindsey Lohan and Mel Gibson.

Unnedur - (uhn neh dehr, preposition) 1.In a position or state one level below under. 2.May also be used as a noun to refer to someone who says "uh" excessively in their sentences.

Subvolin - (suhb voh lin, noun) 1.A type of stringed musical instrument similar to a violin. Is typically described as an electric bass violin. This instrument is currently popular with the worst possible types of hip hop artists.

Waxpulik - (wacks pew lick, noun) 1. Just like a normal pulik, but made of wax. Duh.


Okay. There ya go. That should clear up some of the confusion regarding these words. Webster's will probably be ripping off my definitions any day now. See you crazy kids tomorrow for the next installment of Cheerz and Jeerz

Neyland D. Catt

*Neylo has commented on quite a few blog posts. If he has commented on one of yours, then I apologize profusely. I can only hope there weren't too many expletives.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

When did Thanksgiving stop mattering?

Hello all.  Neyland D. Catt back at you again.  Yeah.  That's right.  Time to get yourself a brainful of cat goodness.

Today I want to talk to you all about a disturbing trend: the shrinking importance of Thanksgiving.  Apparently this holiday doesn't mean anything anymore.  I remember a time when Thanksgiving was right up there Christmas.  Halloween took a back seat and New Years wasn't even a twinkle in anybody's eye.  Turkey Day was one of the big dogs.  A Prime Time Player.  Now it's just a speed bump in the madcap rush to fling all your cash away before December 25th.

Seriously, what happened here?  Obviously, commercialization is a big part of it.  There's pretty much only one big item that can be marketed for Thanksgiving: turkeys.  That's it.  Just big fat birds.  Christmas gives us more options for things to buy than anyone will ever possibly need.  Stores will dutifully hawk everything from toys to toasters.  Even unsold turkeys will find their way into Christmas ads.  So, obviously, Turkey Day takes a big back seat to Christmas.  However, it has even fallen behind Halloween in holiday prominence.  Again, Halloween offers more marketing opportunities.  Costumes, decorations, and candy versus turkeys.  Dead, plucked turkeys.  Christmas has candy too by the way.  There's just no demand for pumpkin pie flavored lollipops or turkey-shaped milk chocolate.  Maybe a marshmallow pilgrim?  No.  Thanksgiving needs a marketing makeover.

The other problem with Thanksgivings popularity is that there is no appeal to children.  For Christmas they get toys.  For Halloween they get candy.  For Thanksgiving they get... to eat.  They pretty much do that every day.  Probably things they like better than turkey and dressing.  Kids just don't find the same joy in sitting down with the entire family to have a meal.  Maybe Thanksgiving needs an activity to draw in the kids.  Maybe turkey-shaped pinatas filled with marshmallow pilgrim candy.

Really, though, it boils down to the point of the holiday.  Giving thanks.  That really doesn't seem to be trendy these days.  It's not glamorous like dressing up in crazy costumes or opening shiny packages.  Being thankful?  Nah.  It's too bad really, because these days we all have so much to be thankful for.  It's a shame that we can't all take a day out of our busy lives to appreciate that.  At this rate, the holiday should change it's name to Thanks-taking.  As in, "thanks for letting me take all of your money for Christmas".  Or maybe Banksgiving.  In the end, the only ones who really seem to take Thanksgiving seriously are the turkeys.  Especially if they survive it.

Back tomorrow with a little something I call "Fun with Captcha Words!"

Neyland D. Catt


Sunday, November 14, 2010

Introducing Luna the Looney... plus I'm on facebook now!

Yes. You read that title correctly. I have joined the vast horde of lemmings streaming gleefully to the edge of the cliff. I have joined facebook. We haven't posted anything in a while now because, frankly, it takes a while for cats to learn how to use facebook. It doesn't seem to be designed with feline physiology or thought processes in mind. Go figure. More evidence of the anti-cat bias. Another reason we have been absent from the interwebs is that we have had to acclimate to Luna's arrival. We now tolerate her presence, but only on an interim basis. I have explained to her that she must conform to our established system or she may be traded for several cans of moist cat food and a kitten to be named later.

So. Luna. She came into the household as a scrawny, half-starved cat who was more than a little jumpy. Now she has calmed down a bit and claimed most of Anime's old haunts. Needless to say, this has not pleased Anime. At all. She refuses to be in the same room with Luna for more than a few seconds at a time. Gracie is oblivious to her presence, as we basically keep Gracie contained in the bedroom anyway. Tiger has warmed to her somewhat. That's his role. The peacemaker. Everybody's pal. The fat kid who wants everyone to be his friend.*

Luna hanging out on Anime's blanket.  Sucks to be Anime.

Luna seems to be particularly smitten with Big Pinkie. I suspect that this is merely a ploy to find an easy mark in the household with which to gain some leverage. Pinkie is a sucker.** She still has the sniffles and sounds like a veteran smoker when she meows. Maybe she actually was a smoker. Who knows with this cat?  At least she has finally figured out what the litter box is for.

So about this facebook thingy...  if you are on there (and I must assume that if you are breathing then you are) come visit my page.  Maybe even like it.  Better yet, recommend it to a friend.  That would pay them back for all the crap they are always posting on your wall that you aren't really interested in.  There should be a badge and all of that crap over on the right side of the page.  Hopefully, you know how to use them.  I know I don't.  They might even work.  I promise you that I won't invite you to play any games or spam you six ways from Sunday.

Come back tomorrow.  I have lots planned for the week.  Really.  I really do this time.

Neyland D. Catt

* Neyland actually managed to sum this up pretty well for a change.  No exaggerations or anything.  A rare glimpse of true insight.  Mark it on your calendars.

** This is totally not true.  I rarely fall for pyramid schemes these days.  I also don't believe everything I see on TV.

                                           ---Big Pinkie

A bonus Luna picture.  No extra charge.  This time.

Monday, November 1, 2010

Catching Up

Well... here we are again. Monday. Garfield can stuff it. Mondays are alright by me. Time to catch up after what has been a very busy week and weekend. First up is the new addition... Luna.

Yes. Thats right my friends, there is a new cat in our household and her name is Luna. Because she is Looney. Looney as a loon cake.* I will have a picture of said sociopath tomorrow. I personally do not condone her presence in my neatly ordered little world. At the moment there is not a lot I can do other than complain. The time will come however... I am a patient cat. Luna constantly howls for attention and sounds like a cat who has smoked three packs of cigarettes a day for the last ten years. She also seems to have some difficulty figuring out how the litter box works. How hard can it be?? Deposit. Cover. Repeat as needed. I do, however, find a great deal of amusement from watching her shred various parts of Big Pinkie's body with her Wolverine-like claws. The dude looks like he lost a street fight with a weedeater. Things are tense at the moment and there is a tenuous truce of sorts. Gracie stays in the western portion of the house, Luna stays in the eastern, and the rest of us own the territories in between. It's like a Feline Gaza Strip.

In other news, tomorrow is election day. Heathcliff and Bill the Cat have once again been left off the ballots by the human-centric political machine. Despite this disgusting oversight, everyone should get out and vote. It doesn't matter if you are a Republicat or a Democat, it's your duty as an Americat to vote. Just don't vote for any armadillos. They don't know how to govern.

Lindsey Lohan will once again be avoiding jail time. One more go around in rehab. Anyone remember the definition of insanity?

Finally, I regret to say that I will be joining the ranks of the facebookers very soon. This frightens me and fills me with shame. I really didn't want to contribute to the proliferation of social media, but apparently the anti-social media movement is just not catching on. I'll let you all know how to find me on facebook when I have completed the paperwork and have officially sold out.

See you tomorrow with pictures of Luna and other stuff.

Neyland D. Catt

*Neyland doesn't do too well with sayings like this. I offered "nutty as a fruit cake" but was rebuffed. Thankfully, I was able to prevent "crazier than a tree full of crazies" and "crazy as a hybrid car with nuts in the trunk". I just don't think he gets the concept.