Friday, October 29, 2010

Whew! Glad to be back!

Hello all. It's been a bit since I posted anything. Big Pinkie got sick and I was left to my own devices (so to speak) when dealing with the blog. I attempted to post some really classic stuff, but it appears that my technical skills are not as amazing as I led myself to believe.* After a few moments alone with the computer, things were going alarmingly bad. I think I may have broken the internet at one point. Not just my little slice of it, mind you. I mean the whole shebang. If you experienced a loss of service or connection at some point during the last week... that was my fault.

Big Pinkie is feeling much better now, as if any of you are concerned about that. I'm sure you are more excited to know that I am well and I am back on schedule. The big doof's illness and my own inability to operate a computer were only two reasons for the lack of posting. There is another. There has been a new addition to the household. A new feline addition. We are not amused. Not. Amused.

The Lady's boss apparently suckered her with some sob story about a down-on-its-luck kitty who needed a good home. Bah! Hogwash! This cat is obviously a no-good delinquent who is looking to muscle in on our hard earned luxury! She's not fooling us. We won't have it. Anyway, I'll be back tomorrow with an update on what I call... Cat Wars Episode One: A New Dope.

Neyland D. Catt

* Neyland is his own personal adviser. He leads himself by the nose. He convinces himself to do things against his own best interests (and those of others). He also advises himself on legal and financial matters. He says his is the only opinion he trusts.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Halloween Tales To Terrify! The Pumpkin People

Okay, here is the long-awaited second Halloween story.  It grew into a much longer piece than I thought!  Beware.  This one might actually be a little creepy!

                                                       The Pumpkin People
                                                            Neyland D. Catt

     There once was a sleep little place called PumpkinTown.*  In this town lived the pumpkin people, a happy and care free lot.  They would spend their days happily rolling around the town square and the fields, toiling as only pumpkins do.  Their orange skins would light up like the sun as they sang and danced their merry jigs.
     One happy autumn day, a new pumpkin came to town.  His name was Jack.  He came to live in an abandoned building near the town square.  Jack made his room in the upstairs and boarded up the windows of the empty shop below.  Each morning, the sounds of hammers and saws could be heard from behind the boards.  One day, a pumpkin named Peter happened upon jack on his way to the market.  He asked Jack why he had boarded up the windows.
     "I am making a new shop inside," he said.  "I didn't want to spoil the surprise, so I have been fixing it up in secret."
     "That is marvelous!" Peter exclaimed.  "What type of shop will it be?"
     Jack looked around to see that no other pumpkins were listening, then leaned in close to Peter to whisper, "It will be a most wonderful pie shop.  Don't tell anyone!  I want it to be a surprise!"
     "You can count on me Jack!" Peter declared enthusiastically.  "I can keep a secret!"
     So Peter the Pumpkin rolled away gleefully, guarding the secret of PumpkinTown's new pie shop.  He kept his word, even when his friend Polly and Mayor Preston Pumpkin asked him about it.  He would merely shake his head and smile.
     The days passed slowly and all the while the leaves turned to brilliant shades of fire and began to drift down like a soft rain.  One day, Peter came upon Polly and several other young pumpkins talking in a most dramatic way.  Polly herself seemed quite distraught.  Peter made his way over to ask what was the matter.
     "Oh Peter!  It's awful!  Old Perry Pumpkin has vanished without a trace!" she declared.
     "Vanished?  No one knows where he is?" Peter asked, aghast.
     "No one!   He's been gone for two days!"
     Peter left the group with a heavy heart.  This was surely a tragedy and tragedies simply didn't happen in PumpkinTown!  His spirits were lifted when he passed by Jack's place and saw a sign proclaiming tomorrow to be the Grand Opening of Jack's Pie Shop.  He rolled gleefully all the way home.
     The next day arrived at last and Peter Pumpkin raced down to Jack's Pie Shop.  He desperately wanted to be the first to lay eyes upon what would surely be a wonder!  He turned the corner to find that there were already several others there before him, including Polly.  Peter could not contain his excitement, but paused to speak to Polly.
     "Have you been inside yet?" he asked breathlessly.
     "Oh yes, Peter!  It's simply wonderful!  Jack has made the tastiest pie I have ever had the pleasure of eating," she exclaimed.  "Hurry inside before it's all gone.  I won't keep you."
     "Alright," Peter said.  "Perhaps we can talk later then?"
     "I don't know," Polly said thoughtfully.  "Jack has asked me to come by later.  He says he might show me how the pies are made.  Imagine me, working in a magical pie shop!"
     Peter laughed as Polly rolled away, but there was a small hint of jealousy brewing.  He liked Jack, but the idea of Polly spending extra time with him made Peter nervous for some reason.  Polly was his friend after all.
     Peter pushed the thought aside and rushed inside the pie shop.  There was Jack, surrounded by eager pumpkins, desperate for a piece of his already popular pie.  Peter waited in line and watched hopelessly as piece after piece was taken from the pan and sold.  He arrived at the counter and looked dejectedly at the empty pan.  There was none left.  Jack, however, merely chuckled.
     "You didn't think I would have a grand opening without making sure that you got a piece of pie did you?" he laughed as he produced a small plate from behind the counter.  "I saved this one just for you."
     Peter thanked him graciously and took the plate of orange-hued pie longingly.  His first taste was magical.  The flavor was like nothing else he had ever tasted!  It was full of spices and the texture was smooth and rich.  He devoured the rest voraciously and left not a crumb behind.
     "Thanks Jack!  I'll be back tomorrow for another!" he exclaimed.  Jack gave another chuckle and returned to his work.
     Peter left the shop and was rolling blissfully homeward.  He was stopped near his house by Mayor Preston Pumpkin.  The old mayor was a figure of great renown in PumpkinTown.  One would never miss an opportunity to converse with their venerable leader.
     "Peter, where are you off to?" the mayor inquired.
     "Home sir.  I need a nap after that tasty pie!"
     "Very well.  See that you are not out too late tonight.  Old Perry is still missing and now no one can find Petunia Pumpkin either," the mayor said gravely.
     "Yes sir," Peter replied obediently.  He then continued down the path to his home, slightly troubled.  One disappearance was unusual enough.  Two was unheard of!  He went to his room right away and thoughts of missing pumpkins vanished in a sleepy haze.
     The next day found Peter once more hurrying to Jack's shop, determined this time to be near the front of the line.  He was fifth and ravenously devoured his plump piece of pie.  The line was still snaking into the street when he left.  He found a small group of pumpkins huddled near an old tree across the street from the shop.  He wandered over, nearly in a daze, to talk to them.
     "Hey Peter," Patrick Pumpkin said, greeting him conspiratorially.  "Have you seen Polly?"
     "No," Peter replied, suddenly nervous.  "Wasn't she here?"
     "She wasn't.  We all thought she would be one of the first in line for pie this morning, or maybe she would be here helping Jack make them," Patrick said.
     "I'll go to her house and see if she is there," Peter said frantically.  "I hope she isn't ill!"
     Peter left the others in a hurry.  He hadn't said what he really feared - that she had disappeared like the others.  He arrived at Polly's house to find her mother frantic with worry.  She was rolling back and forth in a tizzy.
     "Oh Peter!  Where could she be?" she asked.
     "I don't know, but I'm sure she is fine," Peter said in an attempt to console her.  "Where did you see her last?"
     "I don't remember.  Oh I'm afraid I'm just not much use," Polly's mother wailed.  "Wait!  The last time I saw her was just before she left to meet Jack at the pie shop last night!"
     "Don't worry.  I'll find her," Peter said before leaving in a rush.
     Peter hurried home to gather a few things and make a plan of action.  Horrible suspicions and ghastly worries were swirling in his head.  Polly was last seen heading to the pie shop.  Jack had made no mention of seeing Polly in the morning or the night before.  Peter had made up his mind - he was going to have a look inside Jack's pie shop!
     Peter waited until night had well and truly fallen before setting out.  There was a chill wind rustling through the bare tree limbs.  The moon hung high in the sky like a baleful eye glaring down on PumpkinTown.  Peter was startled as an owl screeched loudly and took to the air from a skeletal tree behind him.  He drew a deep breath and hurried to the shop, making sure to keep to the shadows.
     The pie shop was dark and ominous as Peter approached the door.  Not a single light was seen inside.  Darkness draped around it like a cloak.  Peter glanced into the street to ensure that no one was watching, then pried open the door with a tool he had brought from home.  The door swung open with a creak.  Peter winced, hoping no one had heard.  He crept inside and pulled the door shut behind him.  He lit the candle that he had taken from his bedroom and gave a long look around the interior of the shop.  The counter was empty and shrouded in shadows.  The smell of the spiced pies still lingered in the air, but gone was the sweetness.  Now it was stifling and overpowering.  Seeing no one about, Peter sidled around the counter.
     Beyond the counter was the kitchen.  There were pots, pans, and ovens for cooking.  Cabinets and cupboards filled the room.  On one he found a large cutting board and an assortment of long carving knives.  The sight of them gave him a chill, despite the fact that he had seen their like in his own home without any misgivings.  In the dark, everything took on a sinister aspect.  Peter scanned the kitchen and saw nothing out of the ordinary.  He had almost decided that he had been silly to come to the shop, but then he saw the large door in the back of the room.  He had missed it on his initial glance because of the curtain pulled over it.
     Peter rolled slowly to the door, fear and suspense filling him nearly to bursting.  He tried the handle.  It turned.  With great trepidation, he opened the door.  What he saw there forever changed Peter Pumpkin.  Inside the pantry were the ghastly remains of three pumpkins!  Polly, Perry, and Petunia Pumpkin were lying lifelessly in a heap of shells below the shelves!  Peter was filed with revulsion, then fear, then nausea as he realized what he was looking at.  Jack had made his pies out of them!  As his eyes fell on Polly, Peter's nausea turned to a slow simmering rage.  He walked with purpose from the pantry, the candle gripped tightly in one hand.  He snatched up a long carving knife with the other and crept to the stairs.
     The next morning the inhabitants of PumpkinTown found that Peter Pumpkin had gone missing, but this discovery was nothing compared to the grisly scene in Jack's Pie Shop.  The Mayor and his men found Polly and the others in the pantry after Jack had failed to open his shop to the gathered masses.  They searched all day for Peter and Jack, but found no trace of either.  The town was frantic, as they had come to realize that one of the two had brutally murdered Polly and the others.  Their search ended that night, as the horrifying visage of Jack stared down from the roof of his shop, his head opened up, his insides scooped out, a macabre face carved into his shell, and a single candle shining out from within.
     Peter Pumpkin was never seen again in PumpkinTown, but on crisp and dark October evenings evidence of his passing can still be seen.  Beware Peter Pumpkin.  Beware his candle.  Beware his knife.


Yikes!  I think I scared myself.  Glad I'm not a pumpkin.  See ya tomorrow kiddies!

*Oddly enough, the town I live in was once called Pumpkintown.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Letters from the edge #5

Hello all and welcome to the halfway point of another week.  You're almost to the weekend.  Don't give up now.  Today brings another installment of Letters from the edge.  However, this time we are going to respond to comments from some of our lovely readers and not the strange stuff we find in our e-mail inbox.*  We have not changed the names to protect the guilty.  If you don't want your comment printed in future editions, just let me know.  I will cower before your righteous anger and bend to your will.  Let's begin...

We're wondering if you're writing a book. If not, do seriously consider it. And what about your film?


Well Kea, we are indeed considering writing a book.  There are, however, several problems.  First and foremost is the fact that no one would publish it.  This is closely followed by the fact that no one would read it if it were.  The third issue is that we are basically lazy and have enough trouble keeping up with a blog.  If there are ever enough people interested in reading a book by Neyland D. Catt, we might have to suck it up and do a little work.

As for the film... work continues on the project, but animation is sadly a slow process.  Computers and some really great software have sped up the process greatly, but it is still tedious and labor-intensive.  We are probably looking at sometime around Christmas for the debut.  Always nice to hear from you Kea and thanks for your support!

I have to say that Heathcliff is definitely a much better cat than Garfield... although I'm prone to say that his comic self could attempt to stay out of trouble a little more often... his lawyer fees must cost his family an arm and a leg ;)

I agree completely.  I don't want to start an anti-Garfield/pro-Garfield war here though.  Let's save that energy for Lady GaGa and her diabolical friends.  Good ol' Heathcliff probably bankrupted his family.  I'm assuming that's why he is no longer on the air.  He's probably hanging out with MC Hammer and Willie Nelson trying to regain some of their former glory and financial stability.  Maybe they can organize a fund raising concert!

We feel you bring a bit of something akin to Monty Python's Flying Circus crossed with Pee Wee Herman's Playhouse to the CB...keep it coming!
Teri and the cats of Furrydance

Wow!  That's high praise indeed!  Now I can't stop imagining what it would have been like if Pee Wee Herman were a member of the Monty Python troupe.  I'm not sure if it would have been entertaining or disturbing!  Pee Wee and the Holy Grail would have been a timeless classic though.  Probably would have won an Oscar.

I liked your Cheerz and Jeerz...well, I liked the cheerz!

Thanks Brian!  We love hearing from you!  The Cheerz and Jeerz post seemed to be pretty popular.  We are probably going to make that another of our semi-regular features.  Nothing here is on a very regular schedule.  We are very much flying by the seat of our pants!  And I don't even wear pants!**

I am your newest follower from the blog hop!  Follow me back!!!!!
too many to list here@mostblogs

All right!  At last I have a follower!  Maybe soon I will even have a disciple!  Now then my follower, you must follow my orders very carefully.  Even if they sometimes involve personal peril.  If you follow my lead then the western hemisphere will soon be under our control!  Wait a minute... follow you back?  I don't think you understand how this works.  One of us has to be the leader.  Me.  Oh.  Big Pinkie just explained this one to me.  He's worried that the person that posted this comment might not want it to be printed.  I explained that they probably will never read it anyway.  Thanks to all of you who have commented since this blog started!  You make it worth our while!

Come back tomorrow for another Halloween Tale To Terrify!***

Neyland D. Catt

* I don't even know where the stuff we find in our inbox comes from.  Seriously... whoever you are, we don't want to buy any viagra!

** Don't let Neylo fool you.  He sometimes wears pants.  Tiny little pants.  They are green.  I will pay for this comment later.

*** Yeah.  I know.  We promised this like two weeks ago.  Remember, we are basically lazy.

                                    ----Big Pinkie


Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Neylo's Intellectual Roundtable - Episode 2

<For those of you who did not read yesterday's post, this might be confusing.  This is the second part of a roundtable discussion style show hosted by Neyland D. Cat.  He is joined by Britney Spears, Lindsey Lohan, Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino, and Toucan Sam.  They are discussing various topics understood only by really smart people.  You might want to read yesterday's post if you are interested or skip the whole week and come back later in hopes that there will be some cute pictures or something.  It's what I wanted to do...>

Neyland - All right folks, we are back.  Thanks for stopping back by after that extended commercial break. (Brushes blue feathers from his chin)

The Situation - Hey!  What happened to the bird man?

Neyland - Huh?  What are you-  oh!  Toucan Sam!  Yeah.  Where did he go?

Britney Spears - I think we all know.  (All eyes slowly turn to Neyland)

Neyland - Oh yeah!  Blame it on the cat!  The obvious suspect!  It could have just as easily been Lohan! Maybe she thought he was a big tasty pill and gobbled him up!

Britney Spears - That's not funny y'all!  That bird was nice to me.

Lindsey Lohan - Ackpt!  Gurgle!

Neyland - Well said Lohan.  Toucan Sam was only nice to you because he thought you were easy.  Alright, yes I ate Toucan Sam.  Fact of the matter is, I'm a cat and he was a bird.  I was destined to eat him.  Besides, the Fruit Loops people want to go in a new direction anyway.  They want to use Mel Gibson as their new spokesman, because nobody is more fruit looped than Mel.

The Situation - Wow!  That is a messed up situation!

Neyland - If you plug your own name one more time, I'm going punch you in the mouth.  Now, on to our next topic: the space program.  Which should be our next destination - Mars or the Moon?  The Situation, we will start with you.

The Situation - Man!  That's a tough question Mr. Orange Cat-man.  I'm going to say Mars.

Neyland - Okay.  Why?

The Situation - Because men are from Mars and I'm a man.

Neyland - You disgust me.  Britwit?

Britney Spears - Mars.  I'm goin' with Mars too y'all.

Neyland - Dare I ask why?

Britney Spears - Cuz men are from Mars and I like men.

The Situation - Whoa!  Bam!  That's what I'm talking about!  Have you seen my abs?

Neyland - Lift that shirt and die Jersey Boy.  Lohan, what incomprehensible sound have you got for me?

Lindsey Lohan - Well Neyland, I believe that we need to establish a fully functional base on the Moon before we look to further our explorations.  One reason for my opinion is that by using the moon as a staging area, we wouldn't have Earth's gravity to deal with, so we wouldn't need the same type of costly rockets when we probe deeper into the solar system.  Oh my, I seem to have become devastatingly sober!

Neyland - Alright, on that note we will wrap up today's program.  I had a few more questions, but it appears that Britney and The Situation have decided that making out on my set is perfectly acceptable and Lohan is now drinking what looks to be floor polish in an attempt to return to HappyDrugLand.  I'll see you all back here if we're not cancelled.

We'll be back tomorrow with another Letters From The Edge.  This time with real letters and comments!

Neyland D. Catt

Monday, October 18, 2010

Neylo's Intellectual Roundtable - Episode 1

Hello and welcome to the first episode of Neylo's Intellectual Roundtable. I am your host, Neyland D. Catt and today I am bringing you a gathering of the nation's foremost intellectual giants to discuss some hot-button issues. Trust me when I tell you that these are the big brains. The Einsteins. Joining me today are Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino, who is a self-professed genius of working out and stuff. Next to him is Britney Spears, an expert in re-animation. She is obviously tops in her field, as she has resurrected her own career more times than a Night of The Living Dead movie. Beside Brit is, of course, Lindsey Lohan, who is an expert at making people believe she is important. And finally we have Toucan Sam, beloved cartoon mascot. he is an expert at being a cereal whore. Alright, let's begin...

Neyland - Our first topic tonight is Satire in the Enlightenment. Who was the more influential satirist: Voltaire or Samuel Johnson? We'll start with Britney Spears.

Britney - Uh. What now?

Neyland - Voltaire or Johnson, Brit.

Britney - Dang y'all! That's a tough one, y'all!

Neyland - Nevermind. Situation?

The Situation - I'd just like to say "What's up?" to everybody out there watching! I'm up here interlectualizing to prove there's more to me than just this fantastic set of abs. (Stands up and removes shirt to show abs)

Neyland - Whatever. Who was more influential?

The Situation - I'm really not sure which of them guys was more influenza. Can I phone a friend?

Neyland - Wrong show there abs of steel.

The Situation - I just hate to get it wrong, you know?

Neyland - There's no right or wrong answer wise guy. You don't think this is a game show do you? There's no prize. There's not even a winner. This is just a discussion.

The Situation - Uh oh. Looks like we got ourselves a situation! (Grins lamely at the camera)

Neyland - Hmm. No, I'm not sure we do. Next. Lohan... Voltaire or Johnson?

LiLo - Ack!

Neyland - Lohan! Are you literally snorting cocaine on my set??

LiLo - Whooooo! Look at my junk!!! (Lifts skirt. Thankfully the censor bar saves the day)

Neyland - Good grief. Toucan Sam, what do you have for me?

Toucan Sam - I believe that Samuel Johnson's works were in some ways derivative of Voltaire's as well as being counterpoints to them. I find his characterizations more one-dimensional than those from, say, Candide. Voltaire's characters evolve and grow as we all do in life. It's for that reason that I personally believe Voltaire's works to be superior.

Neyland - Wow. That's good stuff there Toucan.

Toucan Sam - I just follow my nose old boy!

Neyland - Alright, our next topic is the Gaza Strip. Who, if anyone, has the right to settle there? Let's start with Britwit again.

Britney Spears - Um. Everybody?

Neyland - Wow. I suppose that's remarkable in its own way. Your answer almost seemed to show some tiny spark of comprehension. I mean, you at least seemed to understand that I was asking a question that time.

Britney Spears - Um. Am I supposed to flash my junk like LiLo now?

Neyland - No. Nobody needs to see that again. Speaking of Lohan...

Lindsey Lohan - Uck! Blorp!

Neyland - Aw geez! Lohan just hurled all over the set! Cut to commercial!

The Situation - Aaaghh! It's on my abs!!!

Neyland - We'll be right back after this folks...

Back tomorrow with part two!

Thursday, October 14, 2010

The Top 10 Things I Care About But Shouldn't

Hello folks! Welcome back to Neyland D. Catt's little slice of the virtual pie. It's a Thursday and there is probably some blog hoppin' going on around here somewhere. If you are new here... read the previous post. It will explain a small bit of the insanity you are currently experiencing. Some of the insanity is inexplicable. Some of it, well frankly, you brought with you. Now then, it's time for something a little different. A Top 10 list. Yep. I know. Everybody has one. I am now guilty of falling into lockstep with the notorious "Joneses". Here we go...

10. Miley Cyrus and her new video.
I know I really shouldn't care, but for some reason I keep reading articles about this contreversy. Perhaps it's because I see the probable future. Another Britney/Lindsey/Lady GaGa. That frightens me more than anything else Halloween can conjure up. This child starlet thing never ends well. If you know a young starlet, pull her away from the toxic Hollywood lifestyle now before it's too late! All in all though, the video wasn't as bad as I expected.

9. Dancing With The Stars.
Why?? WHY?! Why do I still pay attention to this? I am beginning to suspect that there are latent masochistic tendencies in my genes. Fortunately, I have seen enough of "The Situation" on tis show that I never need to watch Jersey Shore. Ever. At least it may have finally killed Hasselhoff's career.*

8. Halloween.
I should hate Halloween on principle because of its negative stereotyping of cats, but instead I'm writing Halloween Tales To Terrify and poetry about it. Geez. Maybe I'm just a sellout.

7. The price of tea in China.
I probably shouldn't care, but someone has to.

6. Iran's nuclear program.
Cats have little interest in politics, but this Ahmedinejadabob guy is standing in my way on the path to world domination. What a nutbar. Really, is anyone comfortable with him having access to a nuke? I mean, even he is probably like... "Whoa! Who let me get my hands on this stuff? Who knows what I might do?"

5. Facebook.
Oh I'm not on it. But I am fascinated by it. I watch people spend literally hours doing essentially nothing, but doing it fastidiously and emphatically. It's like watching a train wreck. A train wreck where the train doesn't actually wreck, but everyone is injured anyway.

4. My animated short film.
I shouldn't care because Big Pinkie is slow. By the time he is finished with it, Ahmedinejad will have blown us all to kingdom come with his crazy nuke.**

3. Oprah.
Sure, she seems nice. But I suspect that she might be number two on my list after the nutbar from Iran.

2. Lindsey Lohan's mental state.
See number 10 for a prologue. Seriously, we and the tabloids bear at least some of the blame. We love to see celebrities fall and the tabloids help that failure along. As soon as a teen starlet nears her peak, the tabloids are shoving 500 bucks at some seedy guy in a club saying, "Here, now take this bag of cocaine over there to that little girl. There's an extra 500 in it for you if you can get her to snort it off this picture of the Pope!"

1. My Followers Counter.
I really, really shouldn't care. But every day I sneak a peek. Just to make sure someone is listening.

So there you have it. My first Top 10 list. I hope you enjoyed it. It might be the last. Ten is a lot. Maybe a Top 2 next time! Anyway, I have to go... I have a Dancing With The Stars DVR'ed.

Neyland D. Catt

*David Hasselhoff's career is like a vampire. It can't be killed by conventional methods. Dancing With The Stars may have driven a stake through its heart, but someone still has to cut off the head. Otherwise, he'll back with something to make Knight Rider look cool.

**This is simply not true. Cats have no patience. I will be hard at work on the short this weekend.

---Big Pinkie


Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Please allow me to re-introduce myself...

Hello to familiar faces, freshly acquired friends, and those just stopping by to see what the hubbub is all about.  It has been suggested that I should re-introduce myself, as there are a lot of new folks buzzing around the place.  It's quite possible that it might be a little confusing for newcomers who stumble into the middle of a rant about Garfield or the Biggest Loser.  So here goes:

I am Neyland D. Catt.  Yes.  A cat.  A feline.  There are tons of cats out there with blogs and many of them have been at this for lots longer than I have.  There is a community of sorts.  On most of these blogs you will find humorous pictures of cats, heartwarming stories, and useful tips.  They are wonderful.  Sadly, you will find almost none of that here.

Despite my best efforts, it would appear that we have a few semi-regular features here on the blog.  We have a fan letter column, inexplicably titled Letters From The Edge.  Cheerz and Jeerz will be returning soon as will another Urban Legends post.  Basically, I live in a household with two humans called Big Pinkie and the Lady, three other cats called Tiger, Anime, and Gracie, and I share stories about myself and the rest of the gang as well as my views on entertainment, pop culture, world events, and everything else under the sun.

Many visitors to the blog tell me that I'm funny.  This is quite odd, as I never intend to be humorous.  That's just the way my mind works.  Big Pinkie, on the other hand, seems to fancy himself quite the jokester.  He sometimes rips off Terry Pratchett by way of the little asterix gimmick.*

*This would be the little asterix gimmick he is referring to.  If you know of Terry Pratchett, I'm sure you will agree that he does it better.**

**If you know Terry Pratchett personally... please don't tell him.  We are allergic to lawyers.

Yeah.  That was annoying right?  Anyway.  I am a cat blogger who is here to entertain you.  I will use all that I have at my disposal to make that happen.  If you're not sure if this blog is for you, then take a few minutes to look back at some of our older posts.  We have had some doozies.  I have told terrifying halloween tales, interviewed a celebrity (which has turned into an all out war with Lady Gaga), written poetry, given insight into the Biggest Loser and Dancing With the Stars, and even occasionally posted a cute picture of a cat.

I think you will find something here to entertain you.  Please join us.  We are not a cult.  However, your adoration and worship is welcome.

Neyland D. Catt
A slightly sidewise view.  Get used to that.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Letters from the edge #4

Happy Tuesday kids! I hope you are all recovered after your festive Columbus Day parties. Still not sure why Columbus Ohio gets its own holiday, but at least it gives us all an opportunity to put up the Columbus Tree and party on! Neyland D. Catt back with you for another fan letter post. However, like all of M. Night Shyamalan's movies, there is a twist.* Today, I will let Anime answer the letters. Time to let the kid have her big shot. Besides, I want to be here when she falls flat on her face. Take it away Anime...

Letter #1

Dear Neyland,

A lot of us are very upset with the recent comments you made about Garfield the cat. Garfield is a cultural icon. He is a living legend who is adored by children and adults everywhere. Please do not refer to Mr. Garfield in such derogatory terms in the future, or you and I will be at odds with one another.

Big Louie
Garfield Appreciation Society

Hi Louie! Neylo and I were discussing Garfield just the other day and we came to a startling conclusion. Your letter has confirmed our hypothesis. Let's look at certain facts pertaining to the living legend... Garfield is fat. Garfield is callous and has little regard for others. Garfield loves Italian pasta dishes. Garfield somehow manages to convince others to do his bidding. The conclusion... Garfield is a Mafia Boss!!!
With that revelation in mind, I would like to sincerely apologize on behalf of Neyland for any offensive remarks toward Mr. Garfield. Please don't hurt us Mr. Big Louie. I don't want to "sleep with the fishes" (although initially I really, really did... then Neyland explained what it meant). We won't say anything else bad about Garfield. We will now return to making fun of Lady GaGa instead.

P.S. The abbreviation for Garfield Appreciation Society is G.A.S. HaHa! Must be all that lasagna!

Letter #2

Dear Funny Cat Guy,

Why don't you do funny jokes about dogs like some other cats do?

Billy M.
Madison WI

Hi Billy! The fact of the matter is that dogs and cats really aren't at odds like we are portrayed in the movies and on TV. We get along pretty well. It's the people we have a problem with. And armadillos. Don't ask. It's a long story. Anyways... there are plenty of dogs that I consider friends. Our neighbor dog, Daisy, is a real treat and hates armadillos too!** Apparently, there is some sort of agenda in the media to make cats and dogs enemies. Well! We are not marching to the beat of your drum Mr. Media Mogul!! We will behave according to the dictates of our own will!!! We will... sorry. I get a little carried away when I take a stand.

In short, Billy, we don't think jokes about dogs are funny just because they are about dogs. It has to be a good joke. Same goes with cat jokes. I, however, have never heard a bad armadillo joke.

Letter #3

Dear Neyland,

When are we going to see your animated short? Will any of the other cats be in it? Hurry up!!!

Heather (The Lady)

Hey Lady! Big Pinkie said to tell everyone that he has finished the script for the short. Who knows how long the rest of it will take!? Maybe by next Columbus Eve. Or before all the kids get out of school for their big Presidents Day vacation. Oh yeah! I will be in it! Tiger too! Plus there's at least one action packed fight scene!
Thanks to Neylo for letting me answer the letters this week. I promise not to take his job completely.
----Anime Jingle Socks a.k.a Slinky McFuzz a.k.a Fluffadoodles

OK. I have to admit, the kid didn't do half bad. It was at least a quarter bad though. She's still got work ahead of her to be as good as yours truly. We'll be back tomorrow with another Halloween Tale To Terrify!! It will send you running to the litter box in fear!

Neyland D. Catt

*The "twist" to M. Night Shyamalan's last movie, The Last Airbender, was that even with a built-in audience of adoring kids and a hot licensed property, M. Night can still make a movie suck.

**Pay no attention to the armadillo talk. None of the cats (or Daisy) have ever seen an armadillo. There are no armadillos even remotely close to our neck of the woods. I'm not even sure they actually know what an armadillo is.

Monday, October 11, 2010

Animal Photo Hunt #9 - Compromising Positions

Anime discovers the fake tree with lights!

Five minutes later the tree is down, the lights are unravelled, and the table's contents are all over the floor.   Anime is nowhere to be seen.  Typical.

Friday, October 8, 2010

Urban Legends

A Cat's Guide To Urban Legends

Welcome back once again to all of my friends and a curse (May Kate Gosselin take up residence in your garage!) to all of my enemies.  You know which you are.  Today I thought I might try something a little different.  I like to keep things fresh around here, unlike the litter box.  (Thanks a lot Tiger)  So here is a guide to urban legends from a cat's eye view:

1. Cats can be sucked up by the vacuum cleaner.

As it turns out, this one is true, but only if you are a svelte kitty (no worries for Tiger) and you are very slow and unattentive.  All cats have faced the horror of being in the same general location of the dreaded vacuum, but have you ever met anyone who was actually eaten by the beast?  No?  I didn't think so.  The vacuum horrifies us all but really is no danger as long as you don't panic.  Remember, it is being controlled by humans after all.  On a side note, the jury is still out on the real purpose of the vacuum.  Do we buy the propaganda that it was invented to keep the floors clean or do we believe that it was made with the express purpose of traumatizing the feline race?  I'm a conspiracy buff, so I vote for the latter.

2. The Perfect Nap.

Most modern cats no longer believe the magical Perfect Nap exists.  There is no scientific evidence to say that it does.  Nevertheless, I will continue to seek it each and every day.  If you are a cat... you will too.

3. Yetis.

That's right.  The Yeti.  It's real.  You've probably seen pictures on the internet.  They are totally real.  Trust me.  I've fought more than one in the back yard.  Nasty creatures with bad tempers.

4. Rosie O'Donnell.

That's right.  Rosie.  She's real.  She's also a Yeti.

5. Possums are good eatin' in the south.

False.  I think this one is just lost in translation though.  It should be "Possums are good eaters in the south".  We have one that stops by twice a week to gobble up food on the back deck.  We call him George.  Dull kinda guy.  Kinda dim-witted too.  Still, I'd rather find him on my back porch than Rosie.

6. Mentos and soda make an explosion.

True.  If you have enough of them, it makes a really, really big explosion.  Unbeknownst to most people is the fact that the Weapons of Mass Destruction we were looking for in Iraq were actually huge Mentos and soda cannons.  They were never found because the Iraqi forces got hungry and ate all of the Mentos.*

7. Sitting too close to the TV can make you go blind.

Actually, it's watching too much Reality TV.  And it doesn't make you go blind.  It makes you wish you were blind.

Hope this helped clarify a few feline and non-feline urban legends.  That's what I'm here for - to help.  Well, to help and to someday conquer the Western Hemisphere.


*Sounds like a strange theory, right?  Sadly, it's not the strangest one I've heard regarding WMDs and why we didn't find any.  I prefer to believe Neylo's version.  I sleep better at night.
                                                                                                  -----Big Pinkie

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

A Halloween Poem

                    Halloween Hullaballoo
                         A Poem By 

                      Neyland D. Catt

Twas a dark autumn eve and the skies were all black
As I wandered the house, chills down my back
Wind moaned through the branches, curling my toes
All around people draped in strange clothes

Pumpkins with faces leered from their perch
zombies and vampires would shuffle and lurch
Candles were burning but gave little light
Gracie was huddled under the bed full of fright

Ghostly images meant to frighten a poor cat
circled round Tiger who was still contentedly fat
Apparitions and ghouls are haunting this place
spiders were creeping and Anime would give chase

Small children huddled together in search of candy
petting the kittens, their snack sacks kept handy
I saw goblins and ghouls and all things in between
I fell asleep grinning, what a strange halloween

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Halloween Tales To Terrify!

Greetings brave soul and welcome to Neyland's Haunted House of Terror!  Today I will tell you a tale to make your fur stand on end.  We now present to you a ghastly series of supernatural events known only as... The Headless Mouse!

     It was just before midnight in the old house on the hill and Tiger the cat was creeping through the darkened hallways.  The two humans who occupied the house were gone overnight, so Tiger was alone in the house except for his sister Anime, who was sleeping in the bedroom.  Tiger was hungry and was on his way to the kitchen to find a snack.  Surely there was kibble left in his dish or perhaps even some forgotten morsel dropped by the clumsy man.
     He had found his dish half-empty and was about to dig in when he heard a strange sound from outside.  He glanced to the glass door that led onto the deck and saw the trees swaying wildly in a fierce wind.  The stars were hidden from view by dark clouds that raced across the night sky.  The wind began to moan through the tiny openings around the door's frame.  He shuddered and backed away from the frightening scene.  Storms terrified Tiger and this one looked to be a bad one.  A forked trail of lightning lit up the yard momentarily and he bolted from the room.
     He found Anime sitting up groggily on the floor of the bedroom.  She looked as though she had been startled awake.  "Sounds like a storm," she said.
     "Yeah.  I think it's going to be a bad one," Tiger replied.  He shivered and huddled close to his sister.
     "What's your deal?"  Anime inquired, taken aback.  "Dude.  You're shaking."
     "I saw something outside.  I think it was coming towards the house!"  Tiger exclaimed, the fear apparent in his voice.  He wasn't sure what he had seen, but there was no doubt that a small, shadowy figure had indeed been moving in the night.  There was a sudden scratching at the window.  Both cats darted for the safety of the hallway.
     "What was it?" Anime demanded.  She stared toward the window anxiously.  Tiger's eyes never left it.  He was thankful that the blinds were drawn so that he did not have to see whatever had made the noise, but was frightened of the unknown on the other side.
     "I don't know what it was, but I think we have to find out," Tiger told his sister, trying to sound confident.  His heart was racing with fear, but he had meant those words.  He would have to find out.  He cautiously retraced his steps back into the kitchen, the glass door looming like a giant mouth in the wall.  Anime trailed behind tentatively.
     The wind was even stronger, whipping the trees about in some mad frenzy.  Lightning lit up the sky again and for just the briefest of moments Tiger thought he saw a tiny shape near the deck.  As quick as it had appeared, it was gone.
     "Did you see that?" Tiger whispered.
     "Yeah.  What was it?" Anime asked in return.
     "I'm not sure.  It was small.  Small and fast.  I'm going out to have a look.  You stay here," he said, forcing his voice to remain calm.
     "No way!  That's what the stupid humans always do in scary movies!" Anime retorted.
     Tiger ignored her protest and went to the door.  He stood on his hind legs and grasped the knob with his paws to give a twist.  He had always been able to do this trick.  It was something that baffled the humans he lived with.  The door swung out violently as the wind caught it, slamming it hard against the frame.  Anime squealed and ran for the bedroom, leaving Tiger alone with the night.
     Tiger swallowed hard and stepped into the swirling wind.  He darted fearful glances to both sides as he stepped onto the deck.  Nothing but the bushes rustling in the gale.  He started to walk toward the steps but stopped suddenly as he heard a sound coming from just beyond the railing.


Tiger froze in place, his heart thundering in his ears.  He pleaded with his legs to carry him back inside, but still he was rooted in place.



Tiger's eyes widened as the tiny shadow began to rise up over the top step, the horrible sound growing ever nearer.


The shadow stood on the top step now, having clawed its way onto the deck.  The lightning flared again and there revealed in the white light was the ghastly image of a headless mouse!  It slowly walked toward Tiger, its tiny claws scraping against the weathered wood of the deck.  Tiger watched with narrowed eyes as it drew nearer.  It reared up on its hind legs and... Tiger ate it.  Then he went back inside to find dessert.


So there you have it folks!  The first of our Halloween Tales To Terrify!  That was one scary story!  Tiger will eat anything!  His appetite is the most frightening thing I have ever witnessed!  See you tomorrow...

Neyland D. Catt

Monday, October 4, 2010

Letters from the edge #3

Welcome back to Neyland's House of Cool!  "Wrong address buddy" to all of those who came here looking for the computer virus that attacked Iran's nuclear facility.  It wasn't me.

That's right.  It's time for another edition of Letters from the Edge, where I answer a few of questions or comments from my legion of underlings fans.  Yes, I usually do this on Saturday, but this was an action-packed weekend so I'm running a little behind (something Tiger wouldn't know anything about!  A little behind?  Get it?  Nevermind).  On to the letters...

Letter #1 - 

Dear Neyland,

     Why don't you let Anime write a weekly post?  We all like her very much and think it would be interesting and entertaining to hear more from her.  Just a thought.

Peggy J.
Rossville, GA

Well, Peggy... way to smack a cat right in the face!  Want some more Anime do ya?  Ol' Neyland just doesn't quite give you the same thrill anymore eh?  Fine!  Anime can finish the rest of this letter for me!  Go ahead Anime...

Anime: Uh.  Hi?

Whoo boy!  That was some brilliant stuff there wasn't it?  I can see why you want more of that Peggy!  I'm amazed she isn't already working professionally.  Tell you what Peggy, when I retire, I will personally hand over the reigns to Anime Jingle Socks.  Then you can re-live that incredible "Uh.  Hi?" each and every day.

Letter #2 - 

Dear Mr. Catt,
     I am a huge admirer of your work and feel that you are wise beyond your years.  I therefore come before you most humbly to ask... what is the meaning of life?

Pete. W.
New York, NY

What??  Really?  I finally get somebody writing in who recognizes my greatness and he doesn't even know the meaning of "life"?  Get a dictionary pal.  I've got more important things to do.

Letter #3 - 

Dear Neyland,

     Why do you hate Lady Gaga so much?  What has she ever done to you?  I personally think she is a fantastic entertainer and should be treated with more respect.

Stefani J. A. G.
Somewhere in Hollywood

Well Stefani, she has threatened to unleash a rabid horde of feral lawyers on me.  That's one reason not to like her.  However, the big thing is that I don't believe in Lady Gaga.  Much like I don't believe in Santa Claus.  I believe she is a figment of someone else's imagination who keeps intruding on my reality.  A "fantastic entertainer" you say?  Exactly.  Much the same way that Professional Wrestlers are "sports entertainers".  Much the same as the Lottery tickets are "entertainment purposes only".
Apparently, entertainment = fake.  

Stefani, I don't like GaGa because GaGa is fake.  She is a brand.  When the Great Entertainment War begins and Katy Perry and Lady GaGa meet on the field of battle wearing 60 foot tall suits of bedazzled armor... I hope they both lose.*

That's all the time I have for today!  Remember to stop by tomorrow for a good ol' scary story!

Neyland D. Catt

*Neyland seems to have this theory that the Apocalypse will be fought by celebrities.  His idea of Ms. Perry and Ms. GaGa battling it out in giant mechanized cartoon armor - godzilla movie style - might just have some basis in reality.  The SyFy channel is certainly interested. 
                                                                                                       ----Big Pinkie

Friday, October 1, 2010

Frazzled Friday

Yeah.  It was that kind of day.
It's been a long week my friends.  Obviously a little tuckered out from the Blog Hop.  Where is Tiger you might ask?  He's a stomach with legs folks.  Where do you think he was?  He falls victim to his appetite's manipulations at least once a day.  Back tomorrow with more Letters From The Edge and check in on Sunday for the first of my Halloween Tales To Terrify!!!*

Later y'all

*Halloween Tales To Terrify is a trademark of Neyland International Conglomeration Enterprises Incorporated.  Try to use that name and my team of crack lawyer ducks will sue you into a black hole.**

**Why ducks?  Ducks understand copyright law in a way you never could.  Plus... they float.***

***Again... apologies to Terry Pratchett.