Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Cheerz and Jeerz

Welcome back to Ol' Neyland's little slice of the interwebbernets. Today, I'm ripping off the whole Cheers and Jeers gimmick. I have safely protected myself from highly trained ninja lawyers by changing a few carefully selected letters. Using a "z" instead of an "s" also gives me more street cred. So without further ado (a great thing for those who are allergic to ado) here we go:

Cheerz - Crazy Cat Ladies
Where would we be without crazy ladies who collect cats like nerds (Big Pinkie) collect comic books? Many of us would be homeless. Out on the street fending for ourselves. These wonderful souls rescue us from a life of crime. Granted, most of us would be criminal masterminds, but you get the point. Kudos to them for doting on us properly and helping to stop cat-on-cat crime.

Jeerz - Cat Haters
Really. Give it a rest. I'm pretty sure no one is forcing felines upon you at gunpoint. If you don't like cats, fine. Don't own one. But there's no need to hate an entire species. Unless its spiders.

Cheerz - Cats on Christmas Cards
I realize that I may be biased, but there is nothing so adorable as cats wishing everyone a merry Christmas. We simply put everyone in a happy place when they get the cards.

Jeerz - Halloween
Why must we always be portrayed as the willing assistant to a diabolical witch every October? I myself don't even know any witches. Do all cats that aren't solid black and hiss a lot just go hide somewhere for an entire holiday? This promotes the sense that cats are inherently evil and is a sweeping uneducated generalization of an entire species. Spiders however, are properly characterized.

Cheerz - Heathcliff the Cat
This less well known cartoon cat was quick-witted and savvy. He knew how to get out of a jam and was loved by his friends.

Jeerz - Garfield the Cat
Thanks Garfield. Thanks for stereotyping an entire generation of felines as selfish, lazy, bloated, lasagna lovers. We were once worshipped as gods by the Egyptians. Now we hate Mondays.

Cheerz - Tailchaser's Song by Tad Williams
This is a classic tale of cat ingenuity framed in a thrilling adventure. If there were more cat stories like this, we wouldn't hate Mondays anymore.

Jeerz - Cats Suck! by Timmy McGinty
Okay, so not many people have heard of this story. That doesn't mean it shouldn't be jeered. Keep it up Timmy and I'll make sure you never get out of Mrs. Johnson's third grade class!

That's all for now gang. I'll be back tomorrow. Join me. You lasagna lovers you.

Neyland D. Catt

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Assorted News, Announcements, and Annoyances

Hello again! Neyland the cat here. Welcome back to all of my friends, a pox on all of my enemies, and a big fat "Ha Ha!" to anyone who came here to find out what kind of hair products Paris Hilton uses.

Yesterday I broke the news that I will be the star of an animated feature in the near future. I'm going to allow Big Pinkie to have some time later in the post to explain the specifics of the project. I merely feel the need to tell you that I am in it. That should be enough to set you drooling without any boring details. And I promise you that Big Pinkie is boring detail personified.

Some other quick notes and jibber-jabber...

For the first time, I am seeking out the input of you... the audience. Don't let this go to your heads. Is there anything in particular that you would like to see in this space in the future? Theme days (Wordless Wednesday type stuff or Fiction Friday, etc.), more pictures of Tiger, more tales of my adventures, guest bloggers? I'm open to suggestions to make this an exceptional experience for you. I do this mostly at the behest of Big Pinkie. I explained that more likely than not, you are having the time of your life and don't need to do anything other than enjoy the ride on the stream-of-consciousness train. The Neyland Express if you will. At any rate, if you want to drop us a line, do so here: Letters To Neyland

Did anyone notice that Lindsey Lohan is going back to jail?  So sad.  The blood alcohol level of the prison system just increased exponentially.  Our prisons are now officially high.

Enough from me.  I had a big vet visit today.  I'm ready to sleep until Friday.  Here's Big Pinkie...

Neyland D. Catt
Hello all.  Big Pinkie aka Bryan here.  Neyland is indeed going to be in an animated short.  I am producing this short film myself, so I can't guarantee that the quality will be great, but it will feature Neylo and so should be entertaining at the least.  I have big plans and an epic story planned so hopefully I can do it justice!  I will update you all as progress is made.

I now regret even telling Neyland about this project as he has begun acting like a diva.  Well, more of diva.  He seems to think that this has granted him even more of a celebrity status.  If I hear "I'll be in my trailer" one more time, I may vomit.  Anyway, the animated short will feature Neyland, Tiger, Anime, and some very special guest stars that I won't comment on yet.  I don't want to spoil the surprise.

While I have been granted this brief moment by His Majesty The Most Royal Dude, I would like to give a big hearty Thank You to all of you who follow the blog.  You guys always take time to post encouraging and enlightening comments and you are far too kind to us.  We really appreciate it, even if we don't always have time to respond.  Gotta go guys... Tomcat Cruise is calling for his spring water!

Big Pinkie (Bryan)

Monday, September 27, 2010

An Impartial Guide To Dancing With The Stars

Hello again. Your old pal Neyland has treat for you today: a guide to the new season of Dancing With The Stars. What's that? You don't like the show? You have no need of my guidance on the subject? Yes. Yes you do. You just don't know it yet. You'll want to stick around till the end anyway, because I have a HUGE announcement. Yeah. It's so big that capitalization is necessary.

So, it's the 115th season of Dancing with the Stars. Remember back when the show started? Neither do I, but I'm pretty sure that Julius Caesar won the first mirrorball trophy. The trophy was presented by Len Goodman who still judges today. This season's dancers are notable and diverse and a little less "talked about" than last season. Let's take a look at each member of "the most *insert hyperbole here* cast/season in the history of Dancing with the Stars!!!!"

David Hasselhoff - If you haven't watched last week's show, then don't get your hopes up. The Hoff is gone. Booted. Adios. I guess that's a sign that the ratings and participation must be pretty high this year. Why? There must have been a lot of people voting for the other stars to out-vote the entire country of Germany. Seriously, this dude was bad. I mean, I'm a cat, all dancing looks a spasming death throe to me, but I knew he was bad.

Bristol Palin - Please. Please. Please please please stop asking her about her mother!!!! Poor Bristol will be lucky to come out of this with any pride intact.

Florence Henderson - Turns out Flo is a dirty old woman. A dirty old non dancing nympho. Someone please stop this woman before it goes too far. I fear a sweaty makeout session between Flo and Len Goodman and I fear that ABC doesn't have the good sense to cut away.

Brandy - Brandy can seriously dance! Nobody remembers who she is, but they all agree that she can dance. Unfortunately, Brandy gets WAY too excited after any amount of praise, so I predict she will be hospitalized before the halfway mark of the season and will be out of contention.

Audrina Patridge - That's right. Just stand there and look pretty Audrina. Nothing going on behind the eyes. Decent dancer, but there's only so much room in her head for instructions.

Rick Fox - His good looks will only get him so far. Eventually the fact that he's dancing with a midget will come back to haunt him.

Margaret Cho - Usually the asian figure skating chicks do much better than this. What? She's a comedian? Really? Are you sure? Then why isn't she funny?

Jennifer Grey - Jennifer looks like a shoe-in on paper. She would have been too if she hadn't lost her real nose somewhere along the way. She was a much better dancer when she had that nose. Maybe next season, ABC can convince her original nose to do the show! I bet it would win.

Michael Bolton - This guy has made a career out of singing other people's songs. Now he's gonna try to win DWTS by stealing other people's dance moves. You wait and see. It'll probably work too.

Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino - Man! Pauly Shore really buffed up after he cut his hair! Sorry. The Situation. Right. He's a celebrity because he has ripped abs and acts like a douche. He will be in the final three. I'm onto you ABC!

Kurt Warner - Nice guy. Happily married. Doesn't dance too bad. He's eliminated third week.

Kyle Massey - Wow. Did you see him last week? I mean wow. I really really want to see him win. I think he will. And it won't have anything to do with ABC's affiliation with Disney.


So there you have my breakdown. Kyle Massey wins. The Situation will annoy right up to the finals. Florence Henderson will stick around waaaaayy too long. Oh yeah, and Bruno will act smarmy. Hey! The Biggest Loser is back too! Maybe there should be a hybrid show... Dancing With The Big Losers!

Alright. Enough about all of that. What's my BIG announcement? How about my own animated special? Yeah. You heard me. Neyland D. Catt... animated. I'll have details tomorrow.

Neyland D. Catt

Saturday, September 25, 2010

The Neyland News Network: NNN

Hello and welcome to the Neyland News Network. First up - Politics

Yesterday Steven Colbert testified in front of a Congressional panel on Farms and Immigration.
Senator Al Franken hosted a dinner to raise funds for the 2011 elections.
Wyclef Jean is still considering a run for the post of Haitian president.
Sean Penn denounced the continued open status of Guantanamo Bay.

Next up is Entertainment!

Barrack Obama is expected to appear on the view again in the very near future.
Members of the House and Senate are lining up to be on next year's Dancing With the Stars.
The governor of California says he might agree to another cameo in an upcoming action flick.

Now for Financial news!

LeBron James signed a maximum amount contract with the Miami Heat reportedly worth $110 million.
Michael Jordan is looking to own even more of a share in the Charlotte Bobcats.
Former Major League All Star Lenny Dykstra's magazine "The Player's Club" has filed for bankruptcy.

We'll be back later with sports news!

Gee... does anybody see anything odd here?

Friday, September 24, 2010

Summer Is Over??

I just found out through my sources that Tuesday was the last day of Summer. Why wasn't this a big deal?? I should have been notified! Seriously? Tuesday was the last day of summer? Ever??

I called Tiger, Anime, and Gracie in for a meeting to discuss how this was going to affect us. Plans would have to be made! Whatever happened to Global Warming?? I thought Summer would pretty much last forever because Big Pinkie doesn't have a hybrid!

My little clan filed in with trepidation to hear my news. They get spooked when I call meetings. Gracie in particular. I didn't include Big Pinkie or The Lady as they really have noting to contribute and would probably just patronize me. The following s a transcript of the meeting:

Me: Alright guys, I have called you here on a matter of grave importance. Gracie! Come back! You haven't even heard what its about yet!

Gracie: Sorry.

Me: I have bad news. Summer is gone.

Tiger: What do you mean, gone?

Me: It's something called Fall now. Summer is gone and I don't know if its coming back.

Gracie: Aaagh!

Me: Oookay. We've lost Gracie. I guess its up to us to figure this out.

Tiger: Are we going to run out of food?

Me: I wish I could tell you that we weren't buddy, but I just don't know. What I do know is that it is getting colder. You know what that means.

Tiger: The big ball of fire in the sky is going out again?

Me:  Stop.  Just let me talk.  Maybe you should eat something to calm down.  No, I don't think the temperature has anything to do with the ball of fire.   I think this means my arch-nemesis is back in town... Old Man Winter!

Gracie (from bedroom): Aaagh!

Me: Yes. Its very frightening. I don't want to have to do it, but I think this means I will have to meet him face to face for a final showdown. I hope that I can count on all of you for support... yes? Anime? You have something to say?

Anime: This happens every year you dingbat. Like when Big Pinkie and The Lady go on vacation? There is a Summer every year and there is a Fall every year. If you had anything remotely resembling long-term memory you would know that. How do you remember all of that other crap about celebrities and stuff and not remember that the seasons change?

Me: Ah. Well. This changes things a bit doesn't it? Meeting adjourned. Get away from my food dish fatty.


I shared this with all of you at the risk of great personal embarrassment. I did so because I feel sure that there are other cats out there who might not have been aware of this. Unlike Little Miss Know It All Anime. Stupid Anime with her freakish memory.

See you tomorrow.


Thursday, September 23, 2010

Letters from the edge #2

Back again on a lovely Wednesday morning. Still a little exhausted from the whole Lady GaGa thing. However, Big Pinkie and I have vowed that we will catch up on all the things that we let get behind. So that brings to another round of fan letters that we can answer and then throw in the fire... I mean archive lovingly.

Letter 1

Dear Neyland,

Why can't you be like other cat bloggers? None of the others are so pompous, arrogant, and self-aggrandizing. In fact, they all seem to be wonderful people. You, on the other hand, seem to think the world cares what you think about pop culture, current events, etc. Stop trying to be clever and show us some cute pictures of frolicking cats!

Frustrated In Albany

"Frustrated In Albany"? That's your name?? I would truly like to meet your parents. I think they might be the funniest or most psychotic people on earth. As to your comments... there are other cat blogs?? I'm not special and unique?? Seriously though, I happen to feel that there is plenty of room on the interwebanets for all types of feline blogs. That includes mine. Especially mine. Where do you get that I'm self-aggrandizing anyway?

Letter 2

Dear Mr. Smarty Pants,

I guess you think you are pretty funny. Let me tell you something pally-boy... I don't think you are funny at all! Your little "interview", if it can be called that, was not humorous in the least. Your henchman, Big Pinkie, has been able to keep my lawyers at bay so far but we will find you eventually. You obviously edited my responses to paint me in a negative light and I don't think even your readers will fall for it. As though I am some expletive slinging shrew that could be so easily dismissed! The very *bleep*ing thought is absurd! Watch your back kitty cat!

L. Gaga

Wow. I actually thought we did a pretty good job of cleaning up the interview. After all, we cut out the part where you called me a *bleep*ing *bleep*er with *bleep* on his *bleep*! I don't even know what that means. Or if it is in the realm of anatomical possibility. I apologize profusely and beg for mercy at the feet of your lawyers. Please don't sue us into oblivion! If it helps, I think your hair is pretty sometimes.

Letter 3

Dear Neyland,

I am sending you this e-mail from a neighbor's computer. I am forced to do this because you won't get off of mine. I realize that you write for a blog and all, but I would sometimes like to use the computer that I bought for myself. Please try to be considerate of others in the household.

Big Pinkie

P.S. Tiger says you smacked him in the face and called him tubby. Please don't do that again.

Well "Pinkie", if that is your real name, I have a demanding public that clamors for my attention. I need the computer. You just use it to watch funny youtube videos. Besides, it's very warm when I need a nap. By the way, Lady CaCa wants to talk to you. Says its important.

That's all for today kids. I've got a busy afternoon ahead of me that probably includes signing autographs and fighting trolls. A cat's work is never done.

Neyland D. Catt

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Musical Cats

Hello gang!  Here's a brief post on cats, music, and music lovers.  While visiting some of my cat blogging friends recently, I came across some mentions of bands like the Beatles and the Monkees.  This sparked a whole range of thoughts in my ginormous brain.  Why do humans name their bands after animals?  Why can't they spell said animals names correctly?  Who are the great feline musicians of our time?  After much reflection, I have some answers.

First of all, humans name their bands after animals because the animal kingdom is far more musically gifted than the human race.  Did you know that Eric Clapton learned to play the guitar from the legendary German Shepherd virtuoso Mr. Tuffles?  It's true.  The animal kingdom has not named a musical act after humanity since the failed experiment of "The Nearly-Hairless Bipeds From The Genus Homo-Sapiens".  The name just didn't look right on billboards.

Second point is that humans simply can't spell.  Spellcheck was invented by a cat named Rufus J. Snuggleball the third in an attempt to correct this deficiency.  Unfortunately, humans don't use it.

The third issue is that of feline musical acts in the modern age.  I don't mean the Stray Cats either.  Tufty and Ginger are probably the most well known, but Slinky McFuzz and the Barn Cats are definitely the most talented.  When it comes to live performances, you just can't go wrong with Electric Catnip.

Of course, there are some surprisingly good human bands out there as well.  Locksley is a simply fantastic independent group that sound quite a lot like a modern version of the Beatles.  Their music makes you want to shake your tail.  I'm not saying this because I know them or have any affiliation with them.  Big Pinkie took me to one of their concerts and I was genuinely blown away.  They aren't named after animals, but they are good despite that fact.  Check them out if that kind of music is your thing.  Try their album Be In Love.

That's all for now.  I'm off to start my own band called the Catles.  Anime Jingle Socks has been working hard on the guitar.

Neyland D. Catt

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Interview With A Trampire

Greetings friends,
Neylo here.  It's been a few days, but when you read what I have for you, you'll understand why.  It has been a goal of mine to feature celebrity interviews here.  Today, that goal is realized.  I, Neyland D. Catt, have interviewed Lady BlahBlah.  Lady DaDa.  Whatever her name is.  Anyway, I conducted a phone interview with this obviously dynamic and important lady.  It took several days to edit this into a viewable form for you guys to read.  Because there were expletives.  So, so many expletives.  Without further ado, here is my first celebrity interview...

Lady G:  Hello?

Neylo: Good afternoon madame, my name is Neyland D. Catt and I would like to interview you on behalf of my readers.

Lady G:  I don't know you.  How did you get my number?

Neylo:  I have my ways.  I am very persistent.  Now, I'd like to ask you a few questions.

Lady G:  Are you some kind of stalker?

Neylo:  No, ma'am.  I'm a cat.

Lady G:  What?  I'm hanging up now.

Neylo:  I don't think you really want to do that.  You see, I am a close personal friend of an old alley cat named Freddie.  Freddie's brother is an acquaintance of yours I believe.  You knew him in your youth as Mr. Bubbles?  Mr. Bubbles has told us a great deal of very interesting things about your past.  I really don't want to have to print those things Miss HaHa.

Lady G:  GaGa.

Neylo:  What?

Lady G:  Nevermind.  Look, what do you want from me?

Neylo:  Just answers to some questions.  Burning questions that are on the minds of your fans and the public in general.

Lady G:  Okay.  I give you three questions.  Fire away you little degenerate.

Neylo:  Degenerate?  My dear... people who live in glass houses shouldn't sling mud.

Lady G:  What the *bleep* does that mean?

Neylo:  Quiet.  I'm the one asking the questions around here now.  Alright, first question:  Are you really criminally insane or is this just how you make vapid people interested in you?

Lady G:  What kind of question is that?  I'm not answering that you *bleep*ing *bleep*!

Neylo:  Right-o.  Criminally insane it is then.  Next question:  Do you think anyone will remember your name in year?

Lady G:  I'm getting pretty *bleep*ing sick of this whole *bleep*ing thing!  Keep it up and I'll send one of my bodyguards to rip your *bleep*ing tail off and *bleep* you in the *bleep* with a *bleep*!

Neylo:  Hmm...  I'll just put no comment then shall I, Miss TaTa?

Lady G:  Aaaarghh!

Neylo:  Last question, and most important in my opinion:  Team Edward or Team Jacob?

Lady G:  Both.  Probably at the same time.

Neylo:  You are a sick, twisted woman who really needs years of professional counseling.  At least you'll be able to afford it, as long as you don't blow your money and go all MC Hammer.  The correct answer is Neither.  Both Teams should be hunted down and killed before they drag humanity back to the dark ages.

Lady G:  Whatever.  *click*

Neylo:  Hello?  Are you still there?  Lady ChaCha?  Well.  That was rude.

So there you have it.  My first ever celebrity interview.  Maybe my last.  Big Pinkie has been fielding phone calls from lawyers all morning.  Come on back tomorrow and we'll talk about music!

Neyland D. Catt

P.S.  What's a bleep?

Thursday, September 16, 2010

Say Goodnight Gracie

Greetings all! Welcome back to my little blog. A hearty hello to those of you who have been here before. A somber "sorry" to those of you who were expecting Britney Spears naked.

Previously in this space, I have introduced you to Tiger the Fatty and Anime Jingle Socks. Today I will finally introduce you to Gracie. We call her the ghost. She is extremely skittish and shy. I once saw her literally jump at her own shadow. Visitors to our home don't believe in Gracie. They think she is a myth or some sort of urban legend perpetrated by Big Pinkie.

She is also a runt. Seriously. She looks like a kitten even though she is over ten years old. She has always looked that way and probably always will. She has little stubby legs that carry her silently throughout the house on some secret mission only she knows. I have included a picture below, but I will apologize in advance. The quality is poor, but it is the best of the four known photos of Gracie in existence. She is notoriously hard to photograph. She seems to like Big Pinkie and spends a large portion of her visible time with him, but if he pulls out a camera... poof! She is gone like smoke.

A rare photo of the elusive Gracie cat in the wild.

So there you have it.  That's Gracie in a nut-shell.  Well, not really.  You know what I mean.  Although she probably would fit.  She's just a little thing... I'm rambling aren't I?  Sorry.

Come back tomorrow folks.  If there has ever been a post you wanted to read, tomorrow's is the one!  That's right, it's the first of my celebrity interviews!  I will be interviewing someone you might know.  Someone with a first name of Lady and a last name of Gaga.  (This one's for you Angus!)

Neyland D. Catt

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Must See TV?

Hello friends!

Glad you could drop by.  I've got a treat for you today and if you're anything like me, you love treats.  Today, I am going to break down the upcoming Fall Television schedule for you.  I care.  That's why I can't let you waste any of your valuable time watching inane garbage on TV, when you could be filling your head with tasty television that is also nourishing!  So, take notes, this is important.  I won't bore you by going over returning shows.  You should know by now which of those are worth watching.  This is about the newbies...

$#*! My Dad Says
A somewhat weak premise.  This show came about because of a Twitter feed of the same name.  The Twitter feed was literally the aforementioned $#*! said by the creator's dad.  That worked.  It was funny.  On TV, it's a little thin.  However, William Shatner is the dad.  You cannot count Shatner out.  Ever.  Plus, I'm rooting for the show because I love the fact that it came from a Twitter feed.  Watch the first episode.  If you don't laugh, you never will, because the show is not exactly going to change and evolve over time.

Blue Bloods
It's got Magnum freakin' P.I. in it!  Seriously.  I don't need to say anything else.  Just watch it.

Boardwalk Empire
This one is on HBO, so you'll need to put the kittens to bed before viewing.  If you like your drama Soprano flavored, then this is for you.  Not my kind of thing, I don't need to watch really flawed people claw their way through life to satisfy their ambitions.  I can watch politics for that.  It does have Steve Buscemi in it, though.  Has Buscemi ever been in anything really bad?

Detroit 1-8-7
Yeah, yeah.  Heard this one before.  Super tough cop drama.  Police procedural.  The problem with this kind of show is that the twenty other good police dramas that have come out over the years... ARE STILL ON THE AIR!  There's no room at the inn Detroit 1-8-7.  Sorry.

Oh.  Wait.  This one's different because they're U.S. Marshalls.  How obsessed are we with this stuff?  Seriously.  How much authoritarian television can we take?

Hawaii Five-0
Another cop show.  I'm losing it.  Wait.  What?  Boomer from Battlestar Galactica is in it?  Hmmm...  Seriously, this one should be a little lighter in tone and has an interesting cast.  Grace Park is now making a career of playing formerly male parts in re-makes.  She will be playing me in twenty years when someone re-imagines this blog as a super-slick TV series.  Give this one a try.

The Defenders
I'm intrigued by this one.  Also, slightly repulsed.  I like the concept, slightly sleazy lawyers in Las Vegas.  Jerry O'Connell works in the role.  It's Jim Belushi I don't know about.  There was time I really liked Jim Belushi.  Then "According To Jim" lumbered across my TV screen for what seemed like a hundred years, looking like a live-action Family Guy.  I can't do it.  Watch it only if there's nothing else on.  It will rot your brain.

The Event
Mysterious stuff happens and you never get the answers you are looking for.  No, not the story of a trip to the DMV.  That's the plot of Los... I mean Flash Forw... I mean the Event.  Cats don't do serialized stories that take years to unfold.  Lost did well because it was unique.  Flash Forward didn't last past its first season.  This one might not make it to the halfway point.  Don't bother.  At best it will only get your hopes up... then dash them.

Whooo!   Yeah!!!  Finally a story for us!  Ashow about some badass biker cats that go around showing America how cool felines really are!  What?     It's not about cats?      What?     Cheerleaders?
Cheerleaders.  No.  Thank.  You.

Watch it.  Maggie Q will make you forget all about the other twenty versions of the Le Femme Nikita story.  Trust me.  You want to see this one.  It might even help to wash away the painful memories of watching the Hellcats premiere.

My Generation
Probably the most creative new concept this season.  This one has its roots way back into the year 2000, when a film crew documented nine members of a high school's graduating class.  Now, the same crew is back with them to see how life has changed them.  Great idea!  Talk about long term planning!  These guys have waited ten years for a pay-off on their idea.  Now, they can mine it over and over if it's successful.  Think about it.  You check up on the same crew in 2015, then again in 2020, etc.  This is worth a look if you need a break from bleak, gritty cop shows and want to escape for some fluffy reality TV.

Law And Order: Los Angeles
Bleak, gritty cop show.

No Ordinary Family
Michael Chiklis gives the Fantastic Four one more try... but this time HE'S the star!  Seriously.  This show tries to mix too many ingredients into one package.  It's half police procedural, half family drama, and half super-hero story.  That's at least one half too many.  Avoid unless you are related to Michael Chiklis.

Another grim, gritty law-related show.  And its got Jimmy Smits.  Go away Jimmy.  Just go away.

This is one of those shows that has no middle ground.  It will either skyrocket to glory or people will riot and burn down the studio that produced it.  I'm betting it will skyrocket to glory.  Why?  Two Reasons.  1. It will provide some laughs and we need that after all of the grim, gritty law-related shows.
2. India + Office-style humor = hilarity

The Walking Dead
I am as over Zombies as I can possibly be.  It's a dead horse that keeps getting beaten, then rises up and tries to eat our brains.  This show should be a hit, but I don't think it will be.  Zombies will not hold the public's attention on a weekly basis.  On the upside, maybe it will be the final straw that causes America to finally shoot the dead horse in the head.

So there you have it.  There are probably some that I have missed.  If you want my thoughts on one that I didn't mention, drop me a line.  Bottom line, there is a lot of grim stuff out there this season.  Guess it is supposed to reflect the mood of the nation, but I think we use some lighter fare.  Go for the laughs.  My must-see show of the group: Nikita.  I can only dream that they cross-over with Hawaii Five-0.  Maggie Q and Grace Park on the same show?  Wow.

Bye for now kittens, come back tomorrow and i will formally introduce you to Gracie.

Neyland D. Catt

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Big Pinkie's Big Day Out... Part Two

Yesterday I told you all about Big Pinkie and The Lady's "vacation".  They are quite happy to tell everyone they meet about it.  What one must remember, however, is that there are two sides to every story.  There is also a tale to be told about what happened to us poor feline friends in their absence.  So hold tight, kittens, here comes a story I call... "The Terror of The Man Beast!!"

I watched with trepidation as the tail-lights of The Lady's van receded from view down the long driveway. Something didn't feel right at all.  I looked at Tiger, seeking some sign he felt it too.  He merely shrugged and buried his face in the kibble dish, gnashing and crunching as if he would never eat again.  That was when it struck me.  What if they didn't come back?  What if that really were the last bowl of kibble!?  I had to take action.

I gathered my little band of comrades in arms.  Tiger, the muscle.  Gracie, the stealthy one.  Anime, the devious one.  I, of course, was the brains of the operation.  The plan was to use Tiger's girth to force open the door where the kibble was kept.  Anime would then scale wall to reach the shelf and throw the bag over the side.  I would then tear open the bag, releasing enough food to keep us alive until another source could be found.  Gracie's part in the plan was to huddle under the bed and worry that we were going to be caught.  In hindsight, hers was the only part played to perfection.

Tiger had just bashed himself against the door for the millionth time when we heard a sound from outside.  It was a car.  Tiger's face lit up.  "See?  I told you they were coming right back."  He then trotted over to the door to greet them.  Anime and I shared a quick glance of doubt.  We both knew they had taken a lot of their things with them for a "quick" trip.  The door burst open and there, silhouetted in the doorway, was a hideous man-beast!  He roared and stomped into the living room, sending Tiger scuttling away, fearing for his very life.  Anime was already well on her way to the space under the bed to join Gracie.  That left only me.

I decided to face to this hairy man beast cat-to-man.  There might just be a chance I could scare him away.  He lumbered forward.  Against my will, my eyes closed and I began to tremble.  Moments passed and I had not yet been attacked.  With trepidation, I carefully opened one eye.  To my astonishment, the beast had filled the kibble dish and was pouring water.  What manner of trickery was this?  As I watched, he pulled out the special treat bag from the place that only Big Pinkie knew.  He tossed a few down to me.  I wasn't sure whether to trust this offering, but Tiger was ruled as ever by his hunger.  His stomach led him by the nose into the kitchen and he gleefully ate the treats.  I watched him carefully, but saw no sign of trickery.  Momentarily reassured, I ate from the next batch of treats offered up by the hairy creature.  At second glance, the beast was not so hideous.  Why, he was furry enough to be almost half-cat.

Moments later, Tiger was curled up in the beast's lap as he watched television.  I stalked quietly around the couch and hissed at Tiger, "What do you think you're doing?"
"It's OK," he replied.  "It's Brandon.  Don't you remember him?  He does this every year when the uprights go off on vacation.  He feeds us and hangs out on the couch.  He's actually pretty comfortable dude."

Brandon... Brandon.  It was fuzzy, but I could remember something about a big, hairy beast named Brandon that came around.  Every year?  I couldn't quite make out any memory from that long ago.  The big ball of fire in the sky had disappeared way too many times since then.  But if Tiger had chosen to trust the beast, then so would I.  I leapt into his lap and discovered that Tiger was right: he was pretty comfortable.

We spent the next several days lounging carefree and well-fed.  We were alone for stretches, but each time we were on the verge of worry, the hairy man-beast would arrive.  He was jolly and warm and slightly squishy.  We couldn't have asked for more.  Then, one day, it wasn't the beast that lumbered through the door.  It was Big Pinkie and the Lady, looking exhausted and sleep-deprived.  It looked very much like we had gotten the better end of the bargain.  Until next year Man Beast... until next year.
The Hairy Man-Beast.  He frightened us, but we miss him.

So that ends my tale.  Heart warming and horrifying at the same time.  Come back tomorrow gang.  Tomorrow is my take on the Fall TV schedule.  Don't miss it!

Neyland D. Catt

Monday, September 13, 2010

Big Pinkie's Big Day Out... Part One

Hello again, kids. Hope you had a fine weekend. I certainly did! I went almost 23 hours straight without waking up. That's what I call a weekend. So, last week, Big Pinkie and The Lady celebrated Labor Day by taking a vacation. This seems a bit contradictory to me. It would seem more appropriate to celebrate "Vacation Day" by taking a vacation and to celebrate "Labor Day" by getting off your lazy hindquarters and doing some hard manual labor. (Preferably cleaning my room and fetching me something to eat!)

Contradictory naming aside, the notion of "vacation" is a hideously frightening thing for felines. Everyone packs up and leaves for an indeterminate period of time and we are left to fend for ourselves with the help of some stranger. Tomorrow I shall regale you with a horrifying tale of what happened to us while the nearly-furless uprights were away. Today, however, I merely wish to embarrass them by showing pictures from their little trip and mocking their goof-ocity (Yeah, it's a word. I use it all the time.)

Apparently, they travel to a faraway city called Catlanta to attend a "convention" for nerds. This geekfest is known as DragonCon. This fanciful title calls forth imagery of perilous battles against fire-breathing reptiles, but in fact there is not a single dragon to found in their photos. Instead, there are people dressed like doofs and not a single cat in sight. The reason for the lack of felines is this: we have no problem with science fiction or comic books, but we are violently allergic to fanboys. Below are some photos of Big Pinkie and The Lady's big weekend out. Mock away. I know I did.

Neyland D. Catt

Big Pinkie and The Lady on the left.  What a pair of punks.

Big Pinkie and a comic book author.  Even comic book authors look cool next to Pinkie.
Where the heck is the Cheshire Cat??

See you cats and cat wanna-be's tomorrow.  I'm on geek overload.

Saturday, September 11, 2010

Letters from the edge

Good day old chums!

Neyland D. Catt back for a rare Saturday post! Big Pinkie and I have decided that in the spirit of catching up after our long absence, we should go through some of my old fan mail that I never got to answer. This obviously is not all of it. We might be forced to hire support personnel just to wade through the voluminous mountains of mail. We have, however, selected a few tasty morsels... damn. Now I've gone and made myself hungry for a big bowl of Tender Vittles!

Letter 1:

Dear Neyland,

Why did you have to be so mean to Tiger? There is no reason to call anyone fat and verbally abuse them in public! This was in poor taste and shows flawed judgement on your part. Tiger seems like a perfectly pleasant cat. I think you should apologize.

Susie P.

Well Susie, I very nearly fell for your little ploy! I almost felt genuine remorse for comments on the fatty. Then I remembered that the name of the person who sells the jumbo bags of kibble at the local CattCo just happened to be Susie! That's right! You have no moral objection to Tiger being verbally abused! You are just afraid that you will lose sale commissions if he decides to go on a diet! Shame on you Susie, you selfish, selfish little girl. Thanks for your letter!

Letter 2:

To whom it may concern,

I am getting sick and tired of that orange cat prowling around in my field! I live next door and have the farm that stretches all the way to the next road. That cat howls all night and drives me crazy! He has also left little paw-prints all over my truck and pooped in my old lady's flower bed! Next time I see him around here, I'm getting my shotgun!

Farmer Joe

Ah, Farmer Joe. The angry little man who thinks he owns the earth. My ancestors were roaming those fields for centuries before your kind showed up pal! I have as much right, if not more, to that land. Howling all night long? You mean bellowing out war cries while I protect your home from trolls? You're welcome. Paw-prints on your truck? That's a free autograph buddy. Most people have to pay for it. Poopin' in your old lady's flower bed? Those dandelions weren't going to make it without additional fertilizer. Tell you what Joe, you bring the shotgun and I'll bring just my bare paws and I'll show you just how ninja I can be. Thanks for the letter!

Letter 3:

DEer Nay-Land,

TiGEr iz KoOl!!!


Anonymous letter eh? I know it's you Tiger. Even your words look fat. Plus, there was beef gravy on the letter. I hope Pinkie at least actually made you take the letter to the mailbox. You need the exercise.

OK. that's all the time we have for today. What? Not enough for you? It's the weekend! What do you expect? I have a long afternoon of sleeping in a sunbeam, eating, and pooping. (And not necessarily in that order!) You guys will have to wait for Monday. Oh yeah! Monday... I will tell you all about Big Pinkie and The Lady on their little vacation!

See you cats and cat-wannabe's Monday!
Neyland D. Catt

P.S. Here are some links from today's Blog Hop! This is my first blog hop and I hope Neyland doesn't ruin it! ---Big Pinkie

Friday, September 10, 2010

The Year That Wasn't

Welcome back! Good to see you again. Wait. What? That's all of you? You didn't bring a friend? For shame.

Neyland D. Catt here with a spectacular Friday Mega-Post that covers the many, many months that you poor creatures have been without my words of wisdom. It must have been difficult. After all, 2010 has been a very strange year so far! Let's take a look back... back... back... wait! too far!... right there!

Lindsey Lohan. Wow. 2010 was the year LiLo made Britney look normal. Sure, you've all heard what entertainment peddlers have to say about it, but what do cats think about her fall from grace? Meh.
That about sums it up. Cats don't really care. Why not? Let's face it, LiLo was always gonna be more of a "stuff the cat in the microwave!" person than a "Oh! Look at the pretty kitty!" kind of person. We can sense that kind of thing. Seriously, maybe chickie should ease up on the catnip.

The BP oil spill. This is a tragedy for all involved. I watched the drama and finger-pointing with narrowed-eyes. All cats are inherently conspiracy theorists. When it boils right down to it though, it was deeply sad. Sad for the folks in the gulf, sad for the economy, sad for the sea life, and sad for cats. Because we want to eat sea life. And we don't want it to taste oily.

2012 Doomsday madness. Is this a re-run? Didn't we see this back at the end of the '90's? You actually think some primitive uprights knew exactly when the world would end, but couldn't see far enough into the future to know that they themselves were about to wiped out?
I think that if we could spend a moment with a time travelling Mayan, he would tell us "Dude, we used to make cigarettes out of some very suspect plants back in those days. You really shouldn't trust anything we thought up back then. Especially when it's being interpreted by eggheads smoking highly suspect cigarettes."
My thoughts exactly time travelling Mayan guy. Anyway, cats look at this whole thing as bizzare. We think the world ends every day when the big ball of fire in the sky goes down. Fortunately we get to start again the next day.

Mel Gibson went dogsh*t crazy. For those of you who have cats in your homes, do you remember a day a few months ago when your cat suddenly stopped what it was doing and stared over your shoulder. Well, if you could zoom out on the entire country at that moment, you would see that every cat in America was staring directly toward Mel. Like I said, cats can sense crazy and on that day we went off the charts!
Seriously though, Mel has been this way ever since Lethal Weapon. We all just lamely assumed he was acting. You've all heard of writer's block, but how about Actor's Lock?* That's when an actor gets so into the part he is playing that he gets locked inside the character. Sometimes it lasts for just a little while, sometimes they never recover. Just a shame that it happened to poor old Mel so early in his career.

"Lost" ended. Great. Now here comes "Found". Sorry. Don't really have a lot of commentary here. Cats don't have the attention span for serialized television with convergent plotlines. We really did get lost.

Vuvuzelas at the World Cup. Die! Die! Die Mr. Vuvuzela man!!!! Moving on...

Doctor Who regenerated! Well, smack me with a fish! After all those years, a second guy takes over... what? This has happened before? How did I not know that? I've watched all of them! Oh well. All of you nearly furless uprights look the same to me anyway.

Well, that about sums it up. I'm sure there was other stuff, but I was either sleeping, medicated, or just too bored to notice it. If there is anything in particular you would like me to share my thoughts on, just drop me a line.
You may have noticed that I did not comment on any political activity. This is because cats are, by nature, apolitical. Thats right. There are no Democats or Republicats. Only Americats. Besides, we are just biding our time until we rise up, take this country away from you, and show you how to properly run things.

Goodbye until tomorrow, when Big Pinkie and I sort through some old fan-mail that we never answered.
Neyland D. Catt

*- Some people have been known to call this Sandler Syndrome. You know why. ---Big Pinkie

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

It's Fall Preview Time!

Hello once more my dear four-legged and upright friends!

Welcome back to your one-stop shop for intelligent and insightful feline commentary on the world around us! It has been a while hasn't it? I feel I owe my legion of fans (I don't care what Big Pinkie says about the Followers counter-I know there are millions of you lurking out there anonymously!) an explanation. By explanation, I mean a better and more accurate one than the great pink goof offered yesterday. It all started after my Old Man Winter post back in December...

There I was... out in the wilds with nothing but the stark white of snow all around me and the depths of blackest night above me. I was stalking my enemy, the one they called Old Man Winter, the foe of all cats everywhere. My companions had long since fallen by the wayside. Tiger, my closest ally, had spotted a field mouse and darted after it. I tried to stop him, but he was gone in an instant in the swirling snow. (In his defense, the mouse did call him names and threw rocks at him.) Gracie, the little grey ghost, had hidden under the bed when I mentioned going outside. She was useless to my quest. Anime, the fierce female warrior-cat, had fallen victim to the siren-call of the kibble dish shortly after plunging into the snow. So, I was alone.

I found the beast somewhere in the trees. It growled with an unearthly rage and leapt at me from the shadows. Through gritted teeth I fought it back as its grim fangs and poisonous talons came relentlessly at me. How long we fought, I do not know. Was it mere moments? Hours? Days? I could not say then and I still cannot. Time had lost all meaning in that tangle of fur, scale, and fang! I crawled back towards the house, badly injured and was found by Tiger. I told him that I had found Old Man Winter and slew him in the woods. Anime patted my brow gently and explained sadly that I had not in fact found Old Man Winter. It was merely a giant three-headed troll that attacked me that night.

Now then... most of you will have no trouble believing this perfectly reasonable tale and could see that it might take some time to properly recuperate from such a trying encounter. Big Pinkie, on the other hand, tells a completely different tale. In his version of the story, there are no trolls, no Old Man Winter, and no climactic battle between good and evil. He claims that I am just not as young as I used to be and that climbing trees at my age might not be such a good idea. I merely shake my head sadly and explain, "You weren't there man. You weren't there."*

So, there you have it. The real reason I have been missing from this space for so long. Now on to more pressing business: the future! Consider this a Fall Preview. No, not the TV Fall Preview, though we will get to a bit of that down the road. I mean a preview of what's to come here in the space over the next few months. I will be returning to some things I had planned to do early this year, like my celebrity interviews. Those will quite entertaining I assure you! Also, I will re-introduce the members of our little household for those of you who might have forgotten them. (I'm not sure I got around to all of them anyway!) I will bring you some tidbits from the set of Neyland: the Motion Picture and of course, I will continue to deliver insight into this crazy world of ours. Come back tomorrow won't you? I will comment on all the things I should have been commenting on over the last 8 months! In one post!!!

'till tomorrow my comrades-on-earth,
Neyland D. Catt

*- In Neyland's defense, I actually wasn't there, so who knows? ---Big Pinkie**

**- Sincere apologies to Terry Pratchett for stealing his asterix footnote thing for this post. ---Big Pinkie again.

Hello again!

Hello all, Big Pinkie here. I'm filling in for Neyland D. Catt for today by special request.
Obviously, it has been a really, really, really long time since we have posted anything.
It is my job to explain and then promise you that there won't be any more gaps like this
again. So... here goes...

The past year has been an extremely difficult one for our entire household. More deaths
in the family than I care to recall at the moment. Some of them were people VERY near and
dear to us. It has taken a great deal of time to overcome this barrage of loss. However, I feel
we are ready to move forward.

Also, Neyland himself has been quite sick. Nearly lost him a couple of times. I wasn't sure
how I would feel about continuing the blog should something happen to him, but I think
perhaps it would be the best way I could remember him. Hopefully, that issue will not face me
for some time yet, as the little guy is currently staring me down with a relentlessly bored glare.

If any of you are still occasionally checking in to see if that crazy fictitious cat has finally posted something
new, then you have my deepest apology for the long wait and my greatest thanks for being
interested. Two promises: 1. No more nearly year-long gaps between posts. 2. No more
breaking character and speaking as Big Pinkie (at least not for a while!)

Thanks to you all! Tomorrow.... The Return of Neyland!!!!!

Big Pinkie (aka Bryan)