A Turkey of an Interview

Hello again folks and welcome to the home of Neyland D. Catt's diabolical schemes and absurd commentary.  I am your host... Neyland D. Catt.  Today I am going to help all of you get into the holiday mood with my interview of a very special guest.  Everyone please give it up for Tom T. Turkey...

Neyland: Tom, it's a real pleasure to have you on the show today.

Tom: Thank you Neyland.  It's an honor to be here.

Neyland: So, I imagine this is a busy time of year for you.

Tom: Absolutely!  I spend the vast majority of my time fleeing for my life from hunters armed with rifles.  Those guys are absolutely doing everything they can to kill me!  I do find some downtime to indulge in my hobbies though.

Neyland: Really?  Like what?

Tom:  Oh, mostly painting with watercolors and watching Desperate Housewives.

Neyland: Wow.  Not really what I expected.  So, Tom, what is your reaction to all of these guys trying to blow your head off?

Tom: I really don't understand it Neyland.  I mean, I get that everybody is all about eating turkey on Thanksgiving, but what I don't get is why.  Why fixate on turkeys?  The damn pilgrims probably didn't eat turkey and that certainly wasn't all they ate.  So why focus on us?  Why can't everybody have beef stew or salmon for Thanksgiving?

Neyland:  It could be due to the general tastiness of your kind.

Tom:  Well, I wouldn't know, would I?  I've certainly never eaten another turkey!

Neyland: Boy howdy I have!  The dark meat is juicy and tender.  I have to say, you guys taste pretty awesome.

Tom:  Uh.  I really don't know how to respond to that.

Neyland:  That's a compliment Tom.

Tom:  Um.  Ok.

Neyland:  By the way, if you feel like you might need to take a quick bath, we have a tub set up for you over there next to the kitchen.

Tom:  Is that butter?

Neyland:  Probably not.

Tom:  Why do you have a kitchen on the set anyway?

Neyland:  We sometimes do a cooking show after the interviews.

Tom:  Ah.  But you're not today right?

Neyland:  I sure hope so.  What advice would you give to other young turkeys out there to grow up big and strong and scrumptious like you?

Tom:  Well, I would tell them to follow their- wait, did you say scrumptious?

Neyland:  I don't think so.  Go on...

Tom:  I'm getting a little uncomfortable with where this is going... why are you wearing a bib?

Neyland:  I can't lie to ya buddy.  I'm pretty much going to eat you.

Tom:  WHAT??!?

Neyland:  Yeah.  That was the plan all along.  I'm sorry, but you guys are totally delicious.  I'm surprised that there aren't hordes of turkey cannibals running wild in the fields.  If other cats tasted like you... well I'd probably still eat turkey.  My point, though, is that I can't help myself.  You are going in the oven and then in my belly.  It's what Thanksgiving is all about.  The Pilgrims might not have eaten turkey back in the day, but today, turkey is what unites this nation for one glorious day.  So I'm sorry that you and the rest of your kind have to be eaten, but know that it's for a higher cause.  Right?

Tom: Mphhhmrhhphh!!

Neyland:  Sorry Tom.  Can't understand you with all that stuffing in your mouth.  Anyway folks, we are out of time, but I'll see you all real soon with an exclusive interview with a Christmas Goose.  Goodbye for now and Happy Turkey Hunting!


Neyland D. Catt