Neyland's Holiday Gift Guide!

Welcome back my festive friends!  Neyland D. Catt back up in your holiday grills!  I know that everyone is preparing for the jolly fat man (no, not John Goodman) so I decided I would give everyone a hand in the final stretch run.  I have compiled a compelling list of holiday gifts that you should purchase for your loved ones immediately.  Sadly, the Neyland D. Catt cologne gift set was not ready in time for the holidays.  Without further ado, because I'm sick of ado, here it is...



1. Wintersmith - by Terry Pratchett

This is nothing short of a classic.  Terry Pratchett is a master of combining
sharp witted humor with compelling characters and an engrossing plot.
There is simply no other author that I would whole-heartedly recommend
to any reader.  The man is funny.  I mean devastatingly funny.  But, he also
makes you think a little bit and care about the characters.  He achieves all
of this without being a cat.  Go figure.  He does, however, have a cat in this
story.  Not prominently, but still, it makes a great tale even better!

2.  A Christmas Monkey

That's right.  A Christmas Monkey.  Most people
aren't aware that this product is available.  What
child wouldn't want to unwrap their very own
screeching, carousing, poop-flinging Christmas
Monkey?  Just be sure to leave air-holes in the box
when you wrap it.  And keep a baseball bat handy
in case he gets a little crazy.

3. Ultimate Werewolf: Ultimate Edition

This is a fantastic party game that tests your ability to bluff
your friends and family.  A good poker face is invaluable.
It's not Christmassy, but it IS loads of fun...
The concept is simple: You are a group of villagers who are
plagued by werewolves.  The problem: some of you are the
werewolves.  The villagers must deduce who they are before it's too late!  Pick this up for anyone who likes games from
Diceheadgames.com.  I promise you will love it.  And I'm not the werewolf.

4. Your very own Mountain Dew and Beer Christmas Tree

Don't act like you don't want one.  I know you ARE that tacky. I wanted to order one last week, but Big Pinkie vetoed it.  He claimed that just being near that much Mountain Dew would give him more kidney stones.  Two drawbacks to this truly great work of art:  It's hard to get lights on it and people might drink your tree.











5. A cat elf costume.

Ha.  Please don't actually buy this one.  Trust me.  It's never as cute as you think it's going to be.  You will regret it as your cat shows it's displeasure in a variety of horrifying ways.


Okay.  That's enough product placement for one post.  Come back tomorrow for my interview with Frosty the Snowman.  You won't want to miss it!  I will NOT be wearing a cute cat elf costume.  But I might be joined by my very own Christmas Monkey.

Wintry Wondrous Land - Another Holiday Poem by Neyland D. Catt

A festive Saturday to you all!  Neyland D. Catt here to hand you all a piping hot cup of cheer.  I wouldn't drive or operate any heavy machinery after having that cup.*  Just a helpful hint.  Anyhoo... we're all in a rather chipper and christmassy kind of mood here.  I've had the opportunity to keep posting for a bit now and Big Pinkie is gleefully counting down the days.  Oh no.  Not for Christmas.  For Monday.  He will probably be getting his stint out and he's worse than a kid on Christmas Eve.**  So, that brings us to this post.  It's another holiday poem by yours truly!  Sit back have a candy cane on me...



              Wintry Wondrous Land
                               by
                    Neyland D. Catt

Twas a bright and chill December day
and all the cats were hard at their play.
Fat Tiger bounding through the snow
quite fast at first, then quite slow.
Anime laughs and shouts with glee
for snow is blanketing all we can see.
Gracie is snuggled down warm in her bed
a bright Santa Hat perched on her head.
Shifty Luna is watching from the window on high
I keep a close watch from the corner of my eye.
I grin a grin most cats wouldn't understand
this is most truly a Wintry Wondrous Land.

Big Pinkie is tangled in Christmassy wrapping
he tries, he fails, to wrap before scrapping.
At last he cries out, a joyous victory
as he lifts up his gift, wrapped shoddily.
The Lady just smiles a soft smile, unbidden
for only she knows where her gifts have been hidden.
Outside tiny field mice flee, full of fear
as Anime chases, Tiger brings up the rear.
They chase over hills covered over with snow
and there in the drifts, the mice have nowhere to go.
I smile to myself as the mice make their last stand
this is most truly a Wintry Wondrous Land.

Now night time is drifting to cover our house
fat Tiger is napping, tummy full of field mouse.
Gracie awakes, she's missed all the fun
Only in her dreams did she chase and run.
Luna curls up high atop the dinner table
She'd have chased mice if she had been able.
Pinkie and The Lady drink warm cups of cheer
Fondly enjoying this rare time of year.
I settle in to write on my blog
Occasionally distracted by the burning yule log.
This chill, snowy day has gone exactly as planned
this is most truly a Wintry Wondrous Land.

**********************

Thanks for reading!  Come back tomorrow for Neyland D. Catt's Holiday Gift Guide!

---Neylo


*Well, really.  What did you think was in a cup of cheer, after all?  Cocoa?

**It's true.  If Santa delivered stint removals, I'd be gazing hopefully at the night sky - hoping to see his eight tiny reindeer and the fat jolly old elf in scrubs!

Urban Legends - The Holiday Edition

Greetings and salutations my friends!  Well, maybe I should say greetings OR salutations.  You can't have both.  Pick one.  Ok.  Greetings it is.  Today we bring you the return of our Urban Legends series.  This one is all chocked full of truths and myths about the holidays, which may or may not be brought to you by Wikileaks.  Here goes...


Fruit Cake is a tasty holiday treat!


No it isn't.  Fruit cake is actually a mysterious substance that continues to baffle leading scientists even today.  No one knows what this stuff is really made of.  It's not even certain if new fruit cakes are still being produced.  Its entirely possible that all of the fruit cakes on earth today are in fact from the very first batch of fruit cakes ever made centuries ago.  This is possible because no one actually eats fruit cake.  They simply give them away.  So the same ancient fruit cakes, which were probably intended to be bricks by early man, are still making the rounds.  By the way, fruit cakes got their names because anyone who would actually eat one was considered to be a fruitcake.




Live Christmas Trees are better!


Poppycock!  Trust me, fake trees are MUCH easier to deal with.  They push over just as easy as a real one and their synthetic composition seems to propel the ornaments off in all directions.  Plus, if you leave your scent on a fake tree, it's still there the next year!  The real bonus, though, is that there is a huge box involved with the fake tree.  That provides many hours of enjoyment, as you can hide in it and even use it to sharpen your claws.

I just realized that some of you may not have been expecting a cat's-eye view of the Christmas Tree issue.  Really, what were you thinking?  Maybe you should go check out Martha Stewart's blog and see what she has to say!

The Holidays bring out the best in people!


Humbug!  That's just nonsense!  From what I can tell, the holidays don't bring out the spirit of giving.  They bring out the spirit of competition.  Also there's a heaping helping of guilt.  You try to make up for being such a crappy friend/spouse/parent through the rest of the year by giving some expensive gift that will end up being returned after New Years.  OR you get suckered into the "giving the perfect gift" trap. You end up spending countless hours desperately searching for that unique item, a process that often involves physical violence against other shoppers, only to have your gift returned after New Years.  Congratulations.  Now you have to spend some time with family members that you've carefully avoided throughout the rest of the year.

Cute Little Elves make toys for Santa to deliver!


Wrong.  Actually, cute little Korean kids make toys for Santa to deliver.

***********************************************************


That's all for today!  Come back tomorrow!  I've got another NEW Holiday poem for ya!

--Neyland D. Catt

Re-Post: A Christmas Poem by Neyland D. Catt

This is a re-post of one of my very first blog posts in honor of the holiday season and as a trip down memory lane in honor of The Fictitious Cat's One Year Anniversary.  Some of you may have already read this one.  If you have, pretend that you haven't and act surprised!*

Gather round my little friends, whether you be furry or furless, and attend with eager ears as I lift your holiday spirits with a poetic verse.

That Night Afore Christmas

'Twas the night afore Christmas and all through my house,

I was stealthily stalking a succulent mouse.

Big Pinkie and the Lady were all tucked in their bed,

fat Tiger the cat draped o'er Big Pinkie's head.

Gracie and Anime watched me with glee,

as I cornered yon mouse 'neath the bright Christmas Tree.

The mouse gave a cry to alight upon a limb,

I grinned and sure-footedly climbed up after him.

Gracie exclaimed "Neyland look out!"

After seeing my skills, how could she doubt?

The mouse lit upon on a shiny red ball,

I stared in horror as I watched it's slow fall.

The mouse ran away as the ball started to shatter,

then the rest of the tree fell with a thunderous clatter.

I turned to find Anime and Gracie had fled,

Big Pinkie from the hall staring, his face was quite red.

I ran through the house pursued by the angry human male,

I fled away fleetly, tinsel waving from my tail.

I tried to explain that I was after a rat,

but try as I may he wouldn't buy that.

He said "You tore down the tree and thought it was fun!"

"That's not true!" I exclaimed, "The rat had a gun!"

And so here we are, my tale now is told,

I spent the remainder of Christmas... outside in the cold.

Merry Christmas to all,

and to all a good nap!

Neyland D. Cat

* I re-read this one and didn't have to act... I really was surprised.  This was actually an entertaining little poem.  Neylo didn't take long to find his style.

                                                                           ---Big Pinkie

Anniversary and New Friends!

Howdy.  It's your old pal Neyland again.  That's right.  You can't escape me.  Not even on the internet.
So, Big Pinkie is STILL dealing with the aftermath of Stonezilla.  He has to keep the stint in for another week.  My maniacal laughter doesn't seem to make him feel any better.  Go figure.

I had a sudden epiphany yesterday.  Boy did it hurt.  Seriously though, I came to a sudden realization that due to Pinkie's medical issues, we had completely missed our one year blog anniversary!  I know!  It's a tragedy!  So, we will try our best to make the rest of this month special in honor of the occasion.  It was roughly one year ago that I slinked my way into your lives for better or worse.  We will be re-posting some of our favorites as well as bringing some amusing new material your way.  We will try our best to make it worth your while to come back and visit.


In other news, we have a blog that we would like to spotlight this week.  On The Go Dinners is a new blog started by our friend Mel.  She is new to the blogosphere and needs a few new followers.  You guys are the best out there, so I'd consider it a personal favor* if you would stop by her blog.  She is currently starting a food delivery business and is posting her menus there, but will also be sharing her kitchen adventures as well!


That's all for today kids.  A bit brief, I know, but Big Pinkie is whining again and Tiger is eating all of my food.  Back tomorrow to spread some holiday cheer!

--Neyland D. Catt


*Neyland fancies himself some sort of Mafia Don at the moment.  He's taking favors and grudges seriously.  Please do what he says.  Mafioso cats are not to be trifled with.

Neyland's Hollywood Round Up

Howdy kids.  Neyland D. Catt back for a second post in two days.  That's practically a record!  I haven't bashed on all the Hollywood types in a while, so today is my day to get my fix!  Prepare yourselves for a round of informative mockery of the latest happenings in Entertainment Town...

First up: Miley Cyrus smokes a bong in a video!

Gasp!  Say it ain't so!  Let's face it, Miley is not a little kid anymore.  She is a young adult now.  Young adults, especially those with lots of money and fame, see their IQ's drop by at least half for a period of around 8 to 10 years.  They will do extraordinarily stupid things just because they have the option to.  This is the period of time that nature uses to try and kill off the truly, terminally stupid.  I won't even get into the debate of whether she was smoking salvia or marijuana.  Really doesn't matter much.  My gut tells me that Miley will survive her wild-child years with at least some of her dignity intact.  However, she will probably end up on Dancing With The Stars at some point.  Not sure what will remain of her dignity after that.

"The Hasselhoffs" Cancelled after 2 episodes!


Wow.  Didn't even make it long enough to get re-runs to air forever in Germany.  This is good news folks.  This struck a blow for good taste across the world.  Combine this with his hasty exit from Dancing With The Stars and you have a clear message:  America is sick of David Hasselhoff!  Seriously, dude, if you were a cat, you'd have used up all 9 lives 15 years ago.  Give it up.  The whole Zombie craze is starting to fade anyway.*

Racy Pics of Christina Aguilera leaked!


Not really sure this news.  Christina has been "racy" for as long as I can remember.  Maybe they were pictures of her fully clothed and being demure?  It amazes me that stars are shocked when stuff like this comes out.  Really?!  You were surprised that pictures of you in some bondage outfit made it to the internet?  There was someone standing right in front of you with a camera!  Taking pictures!  In this day and age, everyone and I do mean EVERYONE, has a digital gizmo on them at all times.  Chances are it can take pictures.  Or video.  Or 3D.  Or 4D with smell-o-vision.  The point is, if you don't want the video of you making out with an armadillo showing up on the internet, then don't make out with the armadillo.  Or at least check him for cameras first.

SpaceX launches Dragon capsule into orbit!


What does this have to do with Hollywood you might ask?  Nothing.  Except that once again, we sent a spaceship off the planet and missed the opportunity to send Lady GaGa with it!


See you kids later!  I'd write more, but I have to go take a wiki-leak.**

Neyland D. Catt



*Neyland actually believes that David Hasselhoff is a zombie.  I've tried correcting him, but he does offer up some compelling evidence.

**He has no idea what the whole Wikileaks thing is all about.  He has simply borrowed the term to describe going to the bathroom.  That's my boy.

An Open Letter To Bill Gates

Buenos Dias!  Neyland D. Catt finally back with you all.  I'm sure you all missed me as much as I missed you.  Big Pinkie continues to battle his kidney stones (by peeing rocks!) and I am back to posting.  Today I bring you all an important post.  Possibly historical.  Or hysterical.  Whichever works.  I give you....

An Open Letter To Bill Gates


Dear Mr. Moneybags,

     My name is Neyland D. Catt.  I'm sure you've heard of me.  I am writing to you about an issue that I feel is of monumental importance for this country and indeed for your own legacy.  I am talking of course about the lack of actual superheroes.  I think you'll agree that is well past time that we had some.  After all, the modern world has so far failed to deliver the flying cars, moon bases, and weather control that we were promised decades ago.  Let's not compound this failure further by not getting some colorful do-gooders in tights out there.

     Why am I writing to YOU about this issue, you might ask?  Because you are a filthy rich dude who owns his own corporation and has a lot of spare time on his hands.  See where I'm going with this one?  Let's see now.... do we know any other notable rich dudes with spare time?  How about BRUCE WAYNE?  Huh?  He's freakin' Batman.  You donate money to worthy causes, you say?  So does he, but he also protects Gotham City by night!  You're not athletic and a world class detective, you say?  Get off your duff and finance somebody who is!

     Still not convinced?  Fine.  Then let's look at another example.  How about TONY STARK??  He's a  bazillionare like you, but he doesn't have to be all buff.  He made a freakin' suit of armor that turns him into Iron Man!!  Really?!  You can't do that??  What the crap is a bazillion dollars good for these days?  Is it because it would have to run on the Windows operating system?  Maybe you are afraid that the suit would crash midway through a flight over the Atlantic Ocean.  Maybe you would get tired of constantly installing updates.  Whatever the reason, it's not enough.

     I've been hearing a lot about what a great philanthropist you are lately.  I'll grant that you give a lot of money to charities and you have formed some organizations that try to make the world a better place, but when your accomplishments are compared side by side with Mr. Wayne's and Mr. Stark's, it looks like you are just plain laying down on the job.  So... I expect to see you flying around in a rocket suit, shooting laser beams from your fingers at Al Quaeda real soon.

     Mr. Gates, if this letter has had no impact on you.... maybe I should be talking to Steve Jobs.


Neyland D. Catt