Hello again. Your old pal Neyland has treat for you today: a guide to the new season of Dancing With The Stars. What's that? You don't like the show? You have no need of my guidance on the subject? Yes. Yes you do. You just don't know it yet. You'll want to stick around till the end anyway, because I have a HUGE announcement. Yeah. It's so big that capitalization is necessary.
So, it's the 115th season of Dancing with the Stars. Remember back when the show started? Neither do I, but I'm pretty sure that Julius Caesar won the first mirrorball trophy. The trophy was presented by Len Goodman who still judges today. This season's dancers are notable and diverse and a little less "talked about" than last season. Let's take a look at each member of "the most *insert hyperbole here* cast/season in the history of Dancing with the Stars!!!!"
David Hasselhoff - If you haven't watched last week's show, then don't get your hopes up. The Hoff is gone. Booted. Adios. I guess that's a sign that the ratings and participation must be pretty high this year. Why? There must have been a lot of people voting for the other stars to out-vote the entire country of Germany. Seriously, this dude was bad. I mean, I'm a cat, all dancing looks a spasming death throe to me, but I knew he was bad.
Bristol Palin - Please. Please. Please please please stop asking her about her mother!!!! Poor Bristol will be lucky to come out of this with any pride intact.
Florence Henderson - Turns out Flo is a dirty old woman. A dirty old non dancing nympho. Someone please stop this woman before it goes too far. I fear a sweaty makeout session between Flo and Len Goodman and I fear that ABC doesn't have the good sense to cut away.
Brandy - Brandy can seriously dance! Nobody remembers who she is, but they all agree that she can dance. Unfortunately, Brandy gets WAY too excited after any amount of praise, so I predict she will be hospitalized before the halfway mark of the season and will be out of contention.
Audrina Patridge - That's right. Just stand there and look pretty Audrina. Nothing going on behind the eyes. Decent dancer, but there's only so much room in her head for instructions.
Rick Fox - His good looks will only get him so far. Eventually the fact that he's dancing with a midget will come back to haunt him.
Margaret Cho - Usually the asian figure skating chicks do much better than this. What? She's a comedian? Really? Are you sure? Then why isn't she funny?
Jennifer Grey - Jennifer looks like a shoe-in on paper. She would have been too if she hadn't lost her real nose somewhere along the way. She was a much better dancer when she had that nose. Maybe next season, ABC can convince her original nose to do the show! I bet it would win.
Michael Bolton - This guy has made a career out of singing other people's songs. Now he's gonna try to win DWTS by stealing other people's dance moves. You wait and see. It'll probably work too.
Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino - Man! Pauly Shore really buffed up after he cut his hair! Sorry. The Situation. Right. He's a celebrity because he has ripped abs and acts like a douche. He will be in the final three. I'm onto you ABC!
Kurt Warner - Nice guy. Happily married. Doesn't dance too bad. He's eliminated third week.
Kyle Massey - Wow. Did you see him last week? I mean wow. I really really want to see him win. I think he will. And it won't have anything to do with ABC's affiliation with Disney.
So there you have my breakdown. Kyle Massey wins. The Situation will annoy right up to the finals. Florence Henderson will stick around waaaaayy too long. Oh yeah, and Bruno will act smarmy. Hey! The Biggest Loser is back too! Maybe there should be a hybrid show... Dancing With The Big Losers!
Alright. Enough about all of that. What's my BIG announcement? How about my own animated special? Yeah. You heard me. Neyland D. Catt... animated. I'll have details tomorrow.
Neyland D. Catt