Welcome back to the holly jollyiest blog by a cat named Neyland on the internet today! (As far as we know...) Today is a landmark post. Today I am interviewing the legendary holiday icon known as Frosty the Snowman! You heard me right! THAT Frosty the Snowman. Oh yeah. We scooped Oprah and the chicks from The View on this one! Burn! So settle back and prepare to be entertained. Maybe click on one of our advertisers' links just to show how much you really like us. Then, prepare to have your mind blown!
Neyland - Hello my friends. Today I am joined by someone who is literally a legend on the winter holiday scene. This icon has not granted an interview since the infamous Playboy interview way back in 1972. Today, he is going to speak to us. Please welcome... Frosty the Snowman!
Frosty - Happy Birthday!
Neyland - What?
Frosty - Oh. Sorry. It's one of my catch phrases. The marketing guys say it helps to promote my brand recognition.
Neyland - Right. Don't do that. Anyway, welcome to the show Frosty.
Frosty - Thanks so much for having me.
Neyland - It's my pleasure. Alright. Straight to business. Do you feel like you are in the shadows of the more well-known winter icons like Santa Claus and Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer?
Frosty - A bit, but I really feel like I am making progress in the 18-35 demographic. 2011 is gonna be a big year for me. I have some auditions for feature films and several new product lines coming out.
Neyland - That's good, but kids really seem to recognize those guys as THE big names for Christmas time. Does that bother you?
Frosty - Not really. I mean, if everybody wants to get all wrapped up in Mr. Big Shot Santa's same old tired routine then that's their business I guess. The Rudolph thing does kind of burn me up though. Because he's basically just interested in partying with the Hollywood crowd. I mean, he's a drunk! Why do you think his nose is so red??
Neyland - I'm sensing a little a bitterness there. So... what's with the silk hat?
Frosty - It's a magic hat. It's basically how I stay alive during the winter.
Neyland - Oooohkay. So, without it, you're just another snowman...
Frosty - Right.
Neyland - As long as you wear that particular hat... and the weather is cold enough... then you are alive.
Frosty - Right.
Neyland - So what happens if someone puts that hat on a big pile of snow shaped like... let's say a walrus?
Frosty - Well, I guess the Snow Walrus would come to life one day.
Neyland - So you're basically just lucky that people keep putting the hat on a snowman built to your specifications every year.
Frosty - Pretty much.
Neyland - I'm starting to see where your marketing problems are coming in. If that snow walrus thing ever happens, your credibility is shot, pal. Hell, kids might like the snow walrus better than you.
Frosty - Hey!
Neyland - Is it true that you use that corn cob pipe to smoke crack?
Frosty - No! I don't do drugs! Just say no kids!
Neyland - That's not what the word on the street is. I hear you're a junkie. What would happen if instead of a big carrot, someone used a big piece of poo for your nose?
Frosty - Well, I guess I would have a poo nose...
Neyland - Wow! Then you'd smell poo all day every day!
Frosty - Er...
Neyland - I have to say... you've been terribly fortunate that people have built you this way so far.
Frosty - If you say so... is it getting hot in here? Is it just me?
Neyland - Oh, no. I've got the heat going full blast. Is that a problem?
Frosty - Well yeah. I melt you know.
Neyland - Rudolph doesn't melt. That's why he's better than you fat boy.
Frosty - Could you please turn the heat down?
Neyland - I don't think so. Santa doesn't need it to be below freezing.
Frosty - *gurgle*
Neyland - How's that magic hat working for you now?
Frosty - *gasp*
Neyland - Happy Birthday. Well, looks like our time is up. I'm going to use what's left of Frosty to make myself a milkshake. Come back by tomorrow when we will proudly present Part One of "Karlton The Christmas Kitty". It will be a heartwarming holiday tale that might just replace Frosty in the public consciousness. We're out of time and I still have to take this magic hat and put it on my snow walrus... with a nose made out of poo. See ya!