Greetings and salutations my friends! Well, maybe I should say greetings OR salutations. You can't have both. Pick one. Ok. Greetings it is. Today we bring you the return of our Urban Legends series. This one is all chocked full of truths and myths about the holidays, which may or may not be brought to you by Wikileaks. Here goes...
Fruit Cake is a tasty holiday treat!
No it isn't. Fruit cake is actually a mysterious substance that continues to baffle leading scientists even today. No one knows what this stuff is really made of. It's not even certain if new fruit cakes are still being produced. Its entirely possible that all of the fruit cakes on earth today are in fact from the very first batch of fruit cakes ever made centuries ago. This is possible because no one actually eats fruit cake. They simply give them away. So the same ancient fruit cakes, which were probably intended to be bricks by early man, are still making the rounds. By the way, fruit cakes got their names because anyone who would actually eat one was considered to be a fruitcake.
Live Christmas Trees are better!
Poppycock! Trust me, fake trees are MUCH easier to deal with. They push over just as easy as a real one and their synthetic composition seems to propel the ornaments off in all directions. Plus, if you leave your scent on a fake tree, it's still there the next year! The real bonus, though, is that there is a huge box involved with the fake tree. That provides many hours of enjoyment, as you can hide in it and even use it to sharpen your claws.
I just realized that some of you may not have been expecting a cat's-eye view of the Christmas Tree issue. Really, what were you thinking? Maybe you should go check out Martha Stewart's blog and see what she has to say!
The Holidays bring out the best in people!
Humbug! That's just nonsense! From what I can tell, the holidays don't bring out the spirit of giving. They bring out the spirit of competition. Also there's a heaping helping of guilt. You try to make up for being such a crappy friend/spouse/parent through the rest of the year by giving some expensive gift that will end up being returned after New Years. OR you get suckered into the "giving the perfect gift" trap. You end up spending countless hours desperately searching for that unique item, a process that often involves physical violence against other shoppers, only to have your gift returned after New Years. Congratulations. Now you have to spend some time with family members that you've carefully avoided throughout the rest of the year.
Cute Little Elves make toys for Santa to deliver!
Wrong. Actually, cute little Korean kids make toys for Santa to deliver.
That's all for today! Come back tomorrow! I've got another NEW Holiday poem for ya!
--Neyland D. Catt