Monday, December 14, 2009

Purring Explained

Hello again friends. Neyland D. Cat here. Today I am going to attempt to explain one of the universe's most unfathomable mysteries. A cat's purr. Just what on earth is it? What does it mean? What freakish organ in the feline body produces it? Cast your worries and doubts aside, gentle souls. Neyland is here with truths for you all. Let's begin...

First of all, I want to dispel some myths that you human readers out there might have about "the purr". Cats purr when they are happy, right? Nonsense! Gobbledygook! Ridiculous jibberjab!! Do not for even a moment think that a cat's happiness can be understood by even your sharpest human scientists! You still haven't figured out flying cars or how to control the weather after all. How good are your scientists really? A cat's wants and needs, hopes and dreams, plots and schemes - they are all quite beyond you nearly furless uprights. Happy? Happy!?! Correction. When a cat purrs it simply means that all is going according to plan. You say, "Oh! Mr. Fluffy is purring because he is happy that I have scratched his little head." Oh, it's not that simple. Mr. Fluffy is purring because he is pleased with himself that all is going according to his will. That he has manipulated you into doing his bidding. This is the truth. Some cats may be very angry at me for revealing this, but I can't hide it any longer.

So, where does the purr come from? Your scientists have been unable to answer this question despite centuries of fervent research. This is only partly due to the ineptitude of your scientific community, who also haven't figured out time travel by the way. The fact is, the purr is generated by an organ unique to cat-kind. It is called the Furungula. Don't bother googling it. You won't find it. Wikipedia also is no help. Only a cat can confirm this. The Furungula generates the oscillating sound that you interpret as the cat being happy, but actually is intended to place you humans under our hypnotic control. It makes it easier to manipulate you and steal large amounts of your body heat, which the Furungula then converts into energy for the cat. It's true. Seriously. I can safely tell you this information because there is nothing you can do to resist the power of the purr anyway. The Furungula also performs other functions that you may not know about. It can spray a highly corrosive jet of acid up to a range of twenty feet. It also gives us the ability to fly. What? You don't believe me? Just because you've never seen it with your own eyes, doesn't mean it isn't true. We are just very careful not to use these powers in front of humans. Think about just how many missing persons cases go unsolved every year. Yeah. REALLY think about that for a minute. Especially the next time you want to throw the cat out in the cold. This means you Big Pinkie.

Alas, I am out of time for today. Probably for the best, I don't need to reveal all of our secrets after all. Until tomorrow then, when I shall give you all a more thorough introduction to Tiger the Fatty and let you know what I have planned for the next few weeks...

Neyland D. Cat

P.S. ... Neyland's thought for the day... Why do dogs get bacon strips and Milkbones, while the closest thing to a cat treat is a drug? (Catnip, for those of you who aren't owned by a cat)

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