Buenos Dias! Neyland D. Catt finally back with you all. I'm sure you all missed me as much as I missed you. Big Pinkie continues to battle his kidney stones (by peeing rocks!) and I am back to posting. Today I bring you all an important post. Possibly historical. Or hysterical. Whichever works. I give you....
An Open Letter To Bill Gates
Dear Mr. Moneybags,
My name is Neyland D. Catt. I'm sure you've heard of me. I am writing to you about an issue that I feel is of monumental importance for this country and indeed for your own legacy. I am talking of course about the lack of actual superheroes. I think you'll agree that is well past time that we had some. After all, the modern world has so far failed to deliver the flying cars, moon bases, and weather control that we were promised decades ago. Let's not compound this failure further by not getting some colorful do-gooders in tights out there.
Why am I writing to YOU about this issue, you might ask? Because you are a filthy rich dude who owns his own corporation and has a lot of spare time on his hands. See where I'm going with this one? Let's see now.... do we know any other notable rich dudes with spare time? How about BRUCE WAYNE? Huh? He's freakin' Batman. You donate money to worthy causes, you say? So does he, but he also protects Gotham City by night! You're not athletic and a world class detective, you say? Get off your duff and finance somebody who is!
Still not convinced? Fine. Then let's look at another example. How about TONY STARK?? He's a bazillionare like you, but he doesn't have to be all buff. He made a freakin' suit of armor that turns him into Iron Man!! Really?! You can't do that?? What the crap is a bazillion dollars good for these days? Is it because it would have to run on the Windows operating system? Maybe you are afraid that the suit would crash midway through a flight over the Atlantic Ocean. Maybe you would get tired of constantly installing updates. Whatever the reason, it's not enough.
I've been hearing a lot about what a great philanthropist you are lately. I'll grant that you give a lot of money to charities and you have formed some organizations that try to make the world a better place, but when your accomplishments are compared side by side with Mr. Wayne's and Mr. Stark's, it looks like you are just plain laying down on the job. So... I expect to see you flying around in a rocket suit, shooting laser beams from your fingers at Al Quaeda real soon.
Mr. Gates, if this letter has had no impact on you.... maybe I should be talking to Steve Jobs.
Neyland D. Catt