Welcome back! Good to see you again. Wait. What? That's all of you? You didn't bring a friend? For shame.
Neyland D. Catt here with a spectacular Friday Mega-Post that covers the many, many months that you poor creatures have been without my words of wisdom. It must have been difficult. After all, 2010 has been a very strange year so far! Let's take a look back... back... back... wait! too far!... right there!
Lindsey Lohan. Wow. 2010 was the year LiLo made Britney look normal. Sure, you've all heard what entertainment peddlers have to say about it, but what do cats think about her fall from grace? Meh.
That about sums it up. Cats don't really care. Why not? Let's face it, LiLo was always gonna be more of a "stuff the cat in the microwave!" person than a "Oh! Look at the pretty kitty!" kind of person. We can sense that kind of thing. Seriously, maybe chickie should ease up on the catnip.
The BP oil spill. This is a tragedy for all involved. I watched the drama and finger-pointing with narrowed-eyes. All cats are inherently conspiracy theorists. When it boils right down to it though, it was deeply sad. Sad for the folks in the gulf, sad for the economy, sad for the sea life, and sad for cats. Because we want to eat sea life. And we don't want it to taste oily.
2012 Doomsday madness. Is this a re-run? Didn't we see this back at the end of the '90's? You actually think some primitive uprights knew exactly when the world would end, but couldn't see far enough into the future to know that they themselves were about to wiped out?
I think that if we could spend a moment with a time travelling Mayan, he would tell us "Dude, we used to make cigarettes out of some very suspect plants back in those days. You really shouldn't trust anything we thought up back then. Especially when it's being interpreted by eggheads smoking highly suspect cigarettes."
My thoughts exactly time travelling Mayan guy. Anyway, cats look at this whole thing as bizzare. We think the world ends every day when the big ball of fire in the sky goes down. Fortunately we get to start again the next day.
Mel Gibson went dogsh*t crazy. For those of you who have cats in your homes, do you remember a day a few months ago when your cat suddenly stopped what it was doing and stared over your shoulder. Well, if you could zoom out on the entire country at that moment, you would see that every cat in America was staring directly toward Mel. Like I said, cats can sense crazy and on that day we went off the charts!
Seriously though, Mel has been this way ever since Lethal Weapon. We all just lamely assumed he was acting. You've all heard of writer's block, but how about Actor's Lock?* That's when an actor gets so into the part he is playing that he gets locked inside the character. Sometimes it lasts for just a little while, sometimes they never recover. Just a shame that it happened to poor old Mel so early in his career.
"Lost" ended. Great. Now here comes "Found". Sorry. Don't really have a lot of commentary here. Cats don't have the attention span for serialized television with convergent plotlines. We really did get lost.
Vuvuzelas at the World Cup. Die! Die! Die Mr. Vuvuzela man!!!! Moving on...
Doctor Who regenerated! Well, smack me with a fish! After all those years, a second guy takes over... what? This has happened before? How did I not know that? I've watched all of them! Oh well. All of you nearly furless uprights look the same to me anyway.
Well, that about sums it up. I'm sure there was other stuff, but I was either sleeping, medicated, or just too bored to notice it. If there is anything in particular you would like me to share my thoughts on, just drop me a line.
You may have noticed that I did not comment on any political activity. This is because cats are, by nature, apolitical. Thats right. There are no Democats or Republicats. Only Americats. Besides, we are just biding our time until we rise up, take this country away from you, and show you how to properly run things.
Goodbye until tomorrow, when Big Pinkie and I sort through some old fan-mail that we never answered.
Neyland D. Catt
*- Some people have been known to call this Sandler Syndrome. You know why. ---Big Pinkie