Hello and welcome to the first episode of Neylo's Intellectual Roundtable. I am your host, Neyland D. Catt and today I am bringing you a gathering of the nation's foremost intellectual giants to discuss some hot-button issues. Trust me when I tell you that these are the big brains. The Einsteins. Joining me today are Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino, who is a self-professed genius of working out and stuff. Next to him is Britney Spears, an expert in re-animation. She is obviously tops in her field, as she has resurrected her own career more times than a Night of The Living Dead movie. Beside Brit is, of course, Lindsey Lohan, who is an expert at making people believe she is important. And finally we have Toucan Sam, beloved cartoon mascot. he is an expert at being a cereal whore. Alright, let's begin...
Neyland - Our first topic tonight is Satire in the Enlightenment. Who was the more influential satirist: Voltaire or Samuel Johnson? We'll start with Britney Spears.
Britney - Uh. What now?
Neyland - Voltaire or Johnson, Brit.
Britney - Dang y'all! That's a tough one, y'all!
Neyland - Nevermind. Situation?
The Situation - I'd just like to say "What's up?" to everybody out there watching! I'm up here interlectualizing to prove there's more to me than just this fantastic set of abs. (Stands up and removes shirt to show abs)
Neyland - Whatever. Who was more influential?
The Situation - I'm really not sure which of them guys was more influenza. Can I phone a friend?
Neyland - Wrong show there abs of steel.
The Situation - I just hate to get it wrong, you know?
Neyland - There's no right or wrong answer wise guy. You don't think this is a game show do you? There's no prize. There's not even a winner. This is just a discussion.
The Situation - Uh oh. Looks like we got ourselves a situation! (Grins lamely at the camera)
Neyland - Hmm. No, I'm not sure we do. Next. Lohan... Voltaire or Johnson?
LiLo - Ack!
Neyland - Lohan! Are you literally snorting cocaine on my set??
LiLo - Whooooo! Look at my junk!!! (Lifts skirt. Thankfully the censor bar saves the day)
Neyland - Good grief. Toucan Sam, what do you have for me?
Toucan Sam - I believe that Samuel Johnson's works were in some ways derivative of Voltaire's as well as being counterpoints to them. I find his characterizations more one-dimensional than those from, say, Candide. Voltaire's characters evolve and grow as we all do in life. It's for that reason that I personally believe Voltaire's works to be superior.
Neyland - Wow. That's good stuff there Toucan.
Toucan Sam - I just follow my nose old boy!
Neyland - Alright, our next topic is the Gaza Strip. Who, if anyone, has the right to settle there? Let's start with Britwit again.
Britney Spears - Um. Everybody?
Neyland - Wow. I suppose that's remarkable in its own way. Your answer almost seemed to show some tiny spark of comprehension. I mean, you at least seemed to understand that I was asking a question that time.
Britney Spears - Um. Am I supposed to flash my junk like LiLo now?
Neyland - No. Nobody needs to see that again. Speaking of Lohan...
Lindsey Lohan - Uck! Blorp!
Neyland - Aw geez! Lohan just hurled all over the set! Cut to commercial!
The Situation - Aaaghh! It's on my abs!!!
Neyland - We'll be right back after this folks...
Back tomorrow with part two!