Neylo's Intellectual Roundtable - Episode 2

<For those of you who did not read yesterday's post, this might be confusing.  This is the second part of a roundtable discussion style show hosted by Neyland D. Cat.  He is joined by Britney Spears, Lindsey Lohan, Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino, and Toucan Sam.  They are discussing various topics understood only by really smart people.  You might want to read yesterday's post if you are interested or skip the whole week and come back later in hopes that there will be some cute pictures or something.  It's what I wanted to do...>


Neyland - All right folks, we are back.  Thanks for stopping back by after that extended commercial break. (Brushes blue feathers from his chin)

The Situation - Hey!  What happened to the bird man?

Neyland - Huh?  What are you-  oh!  Toucan Sam!  Yeah.  Where did he go?

Britney Spears - I think we all know.  (All eyes slowly turn to Neyland)

Neyland - Oh yeah!  Blame it on the cat!  The obvious suspect!  It could have just as easily been Lohan! Maybe she thought he was a big tasty pill and gobbled him up!

Britney Spears - That's not funny y'all!  That bird was nice to me.

Lindsey Lohan - Ackpt!  Gurgle!

Neyland - Well said Lohan.  Toucan Sam was only nice to you because he thought you were easy.  Alright, yes I ate Toucan Sam.  Fact of the matter is, I'm a cat and he was a bird.  I was destined to eat him.  Besides, the Fruit Loops people want to go in a new direction anyway.  They want to use Mel Gibson as their new spokesman, because nobody is more fruit looped than Mel.

The Situation - Wow!  That is a messed up situation!

Neyland - If you plug your own name one more time, I'm going punch you in the mouth.  Now, on to our next topic: the space program.  Which should be our next destination - Mars or the Moon?  The Situation, we will start with you.

The Situation - Man!  That's a tough question Mr. Orange Cat-man.  I'm going to say Mars.

Neyland - Okay.  Why?

The Situation - Because men are from Mars and I'm a man.

Neyland - You disgust me.  Britwit?

Britney Spears - Mars.  I'm goin' with Mars too y'all.

Neyland - Dare I ask why?

Britney Spears - Cuz men are from Mars and I like men.

The Situation - Whoa!  Bam!  That's what I'm talking about!  Have you seen my abs?

Neyland - Lift that shirt and die Jersey Boy.  Lohan, what incomprehensible sound have you got for me?

Lindsey Lohan - Well Neyland, I believe that we need to establish a fully functional base on the Moon before we look to further our explorations.  One reason for my opinion is that by using the moon as a staging area, we wouldn't have Earth's gravity to deal with, so we wouldn't need the same type of costly rockets when we probe deeper into the solar system.  Oh my, I seem to have become devastatingly sober!

Neyland - Alright, on that note we will wrap up today's program.  I had a few more questions, but it appears that Britney and The Situation have decided that making out on my set is perfectly acceptable and Lohan is now drinking what looks to be floor polish in an attempt to return to HappyDrugLand.  I'll see you all back here if we're not cancelled.
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We'll be back tomorrow with another Letters From The Edge.  This time with real letters and comments!

Neyland D. Catt

Neylo's Intellectual Roundtable - Episode 1

Hello and welcome to the first episode of Neylo's Intellectual Roundtable. I am your host, Neyland D. Catt and today I am bringing you a gathering of the nation's foremost intellectual giants to discuss some hot-button issues. Trust me when I tell you that these are the big brains. The Einsteins. Joining me today are Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino, who is a self-professed genius of working out and stuff. Next to him is Britney Spears, an expert in re-animation. She is obviously tops in her field, as she has resurrected her own career more times than a Night of The Living Dead movie. Beside Brit is, of course, Lindsey Lohan, who is an expert at making people believe she is important. And finally we have Toucan Sam, beloved cartoon mascot. he is an expert at being a cereal whore. Alright, let's begin...

Neyland - Our first topic tonight is Satire in the Enlightenment. Who was the more influential satirist: Voltaire or Samuel Johnson? We'll start with Britney Spears.

Britney - Uh. What now?

Neyland - Voltaire or Johnson, Brit.

Britney - Dang y'all! That's a tough one, y'all!

Neyland - Nevermind. Situation?

The Situation - I'd just like to say "What's up?" to everybody out there watching! I'm up here interlectualizing to prove there's more to me than just this fantastic set of abs. (Stands up and removes shirt to show abs)

Neyland - Whatever. Who was more influential?

The Situation - I'm really not sure which of them guys was more influenza. Can I phone a friend?

Neyland - Wrong show there abs of steel.

The Situation - I just hate to get it wrong, you know?

Neyland - There's no right or wrong answer wise guy. You don't think this is a game show do you? There's no prize. There's not even a winner. This is just a discussion.

The Situation - Uh oh. Looks like we got ourselves a situation! (Grins lamely at the camera)

Neyland - Hmm. No, I'm not sure we do. Next. Lohan... Voltaire or Johnson?

LiLo - Ack!

Neyland - Lohan! Are you literally snorting cocaine on my set??

LiLo - Whooooo! Look at my junk!!! (Lifts skirt. Thankfully the censor bar saves the day)

Neyland - Good grief. Toucan Sam, what do you have for me?

Toucan Sam - I believe that Samuel Johnson's works were in some ways derivative of Voltaire's as well as being counterpoints to them. I find his characterizations more one-dimensional than those from, say, Candide. Voltaire's characters evolve and grow as we all do in life. It's for that reason that I personally believe Voltaire's works to be superior.

Neyland - Wow. That's good stuff there Toucan.

Toucan Sam - I just follow my nose old boy!

Neyland - Alright, our next topic is the Gaza Strip. Who, if anyone, has the right to settle there? Let's start with Britwit again.

Britney Spears - Um. Everybody?

Neyland - Wow. I suppose that's remarkable in its own way. Your answer almost seemed to show some tiny spark of comprehension. I mean, you at least seemed to understand that I was asking a question that time.

Britney Spears - Um. Am I supposed to flash my junk like LiLo now?

Neyland - No. Nobody needs to see that again. Speaking of Lohan...

Lindsey Lohan - Uck! Blorp!

Neyland - Aw geez! Lohan just hurled all over the set! Cut to commercial!

The Situation - Aaaghh! It's on my abs!!!

Neyland - We'll be right back after this folks...
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Back tomorrow with part two!

The Top 10 Things I Care About But Shouldn't

Hello folks! Welcome back to Neyland D. Catt's little slice of the virtual pie. It's a Thursday and there is probably some blog hoppin' going on around here somewhere. If you are new here... read the previous post. It will explain a small bit of the insanity you are currently experiencing. Some of the insanity is inexplicable. Some of it, well frankly, you brought with you. Now then, it's time for something a little different. A Top 10 list. Yep. I know. Everybody has one. I am now guilty of falling into lockstep with the notorious "Joneses". Here we go...


10. Miley Cyrus and her new video.
I know I really shouldn't care, but for some reason I keep reading articles about this contreversy. Perhaps it's because I see the probable future. Another Britney/Lindsey/Lady GaGa. That frightens me more than anything else Halloween can conjure up. This child starlet thing never ends well. If you know a young starlet, pull her away from the toxic Hollywood lifestyle now before it's too late! All in all though, the video wasn't as bad as I expected.

9. Dancing With The Stars.
Why?? WHY?! Why do I still pay attention to this? I am beginning to suspect that there are latent masochistic tendencies in my genes. Fortunately, I have seen enough of "The Situation" on tis show that I never need to watch Jersey Shore. Ever. At least it may have finally killed Hasselhoff's career.*

8. Halloween.
I should hate Halloween on principle because of its negative stereotyping of cats, but instead I'm writing Halloween Tales To Terrify and poetry about it. Geez. Maybe I'm just a sellout.

7. The price of tea in China.
I probably shouldn't care, but someone has to.

6. Iran's nuclear program.
Cats have little interest in politics, but this Ahmedinejadabob guy is standing in my way on the path to world domination. What a nutbar. Really, is anyone comfortable with him having access to a nuke? I mean, even he is probably like... "Whoa! Who let me get my hands on this stuff? Who knows what I might do?"

5. Facebook.
Oh I'm not on it. But I am fascinated by it. I watch people spend literally hours doing essentially nothing, but doing it fastidiously and emphatically. It's like watching a train wreck. A train wreck where the train doesn't actually wreck, but everyone is injured anyway.

4. My animated short film.
I shouldn't care because Big Pinkie is slow. By the time he is finished with it, Ahmedinejad will have blown us all to kingdom come with his crazy nuke.**

3. Oprah.
Sure, she seems nice. But I suspect that she might be number two on my list after the nutbar from Iran.

2. Lindsey Lohan's mental state.
See number 10 for a prologue. Seriously, we and the tabloids bear at least some of the blame. We love to see celebrities fall and the tabloids help that failure along. As soon as a teen starlet nears her peak, the tabloids are shoving 500 bucks at some seedy guy in a club saying, "Here, now take this bag of cocaine over there to that little girl. There's an extra 500 in it for you if you can get her to snort it off this picture of the Pope!"

1. My Followers Counter.
I really, really shouldn't care. But every day I sneak a peek. Just to make sure someone is listening.
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So there you have it. My first Top 10 list. I hope you enjoyed it. It might be the last. Ten is a lot. Maybe a Top 2 next time! Anyway, I have to go... I have a Dancing With The Stars DVR'ed.


Neyland D. Catt


*David Hasselhoff's career is like a vampire. It can't be killed by conventional methods. Dancing With The Stars may have driven a stake through its heart, but someone still has to cut off the head. Otherwise, he'll back with something to make Knight Rider look cool.

**This is simply not true. Cats have no patience. I will be hard at work on the short this weekend.

---Big Pinkie

Say Goodnight Gracie

Greetings all! Welcome back to my little blog. A hearty hello to those of you who have been here before. A somber "sorry" to those of you who were expecting Britney Spears naked.

Previously in this space, I have introduced you to Tiger the Fatty and Anime Jingle Socks. Today I will finally introduce you to Gracie. We call her the ghost. She is extremely skittish and shy. I once saw her literally jump at her own shadow. Visitors to our home don't believe in Gracie. They think she is a myth or some sort of urban legend perpetrated by Big Pinkie.

She is also a runt. Seriously. She looks like a kitten even though she is over ten years old. She has always looked that way and probably always will. She has little stubby legs that carry her silently throughout the house on some secret mission only she knows. I have included a picture below, but I will apologize in advance. The quality is poor, but it is the best of the four known photos of Gracie in existence. She is notoriously hard to photograph. She seems to like Big Pinkie and spends a large portion of her visible time with him, but if he pulls out a camera... poof! She is gone like smoke.

A rare photo of the elusive Gracie cat in the wild.

So there you have it.  That's Gracie in a nut-shell.  Well, not really.  You know what I mean.  Although she probably would fit.  She's just a little thing... I'm rambling aren't I?  Sorry.

Come back tomorrow folks.  If there has ever been a post you wanted to read, tomorrow's is the one!  That's right, it's the first of my celebrity interviews!  I will be interviewing someone you might know.  Someone with a first name of Lady and a last name of Gaga.  (This one's for you Angus!)

Neyland D. Catt