Neylo's Intellectual Roundtable - Episode 2

<For those of you who did not read yesterday's post, this might be confusing.  This is the second part of a roundtable discussion style show hosted by Neyland D. Cat.  He is joined by Britney Spears, Lindsey Lohan, Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino, and Toucan Sam.  They are discussing various topics understood only by really smart people.  You might want to read yesterday's post if you are interested or skip the whole week and come back later in hopes that there will be some cute pictures or something.  It's what I wanted to do...>


Neyland - All right folks, we are back.  Thanks for stopping back by after that extended commercial break. (Brushes blue feathers from his chin)

The Situation - Hey!  What happened to the bird man?

Neyland - Huh?  What are you-  oh!  Toucan Sam!  Yeah.  Where did he go?

Britney Spears - I think we all know.  (All eyes slowly turn to Neyland)

Neyland - Oh yeah!  Blame it on the cat!  The obvious suspect!  It could have just as easily been Lohan! Maybe she thought he was a big tasty pill and gobbled him up!

Britney Spears - That's not funny y'all!  That bird was nice to me.

Lindsey Lohan - Ackpt!  Gurgle!

Neyland - Well said Lohan.  Toucan Sam was only nice to you because he thought you were easy.  Alright, yes I ate Toucan Sam.  Fact of the matter is, I'm a cat and he was a bird.  I was destined to eat him.  Besides, the Fruit Loops people want to go in a new direction anyway.  They want to use Mel Gibson as their new spokesman, because nobody is more fruit looped than Mel.

The Situation - Wow!  That is a messed up situation!

Neyland - If you plug your own name one more time, I'm going punch you in the mouth.  Now, on to our next topic: the space program.  Which should be our next destination - Mars or the Moon?  The Situation, we will start with you.

The Situation - Man!  That's a tough question Mr. Orange Cat-man.  I'm going to say Mars.

Neyland - Okay.  Why?

The Situation - Because men are from Mars and I'm a man.

Neyland - You disgust me.  Britwit?

Britney Spears - Mars.  I'm goin' with Mars too y'all.

Neyland - Dare I ask why?

Britney Spears - Cuz men are from Mars and I like men.

The Situation - Whoa!  Bam!  That's what I'm talking about!  Have you seen my abs?

Neyland - Lift that shirt and die Jersey Boy.  Lohan, what incomprehensible sound have you got for me?

Lindsey Lohan - Well Neyland, I believe that we need to establish a fully functional base on the Moon before we look to further our explorations.  One reason for my opinion is that by using the moon as a staging area, we wouldn't have Earth's gravity to deal with, so we wouldn't need the same type of costly rockets when we probe deeper into the solar system.  Oh my, I seem to have become devastatingly sober!

Neyland - Alright, on that note we will wrap up today's program.  I had a few more questions, but it appears that Britney and The Situation have decided that making out on my set is perfectly acceptable and Lohan is now drinking what looks to be floor polish in an attempt to return to HappyDrugLand.  I'll see you all back here if we're not cancelled.
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We'll be back tomorrow with another Letters From The Edge.  This time with real letters and comments!

Neyland D. Catt

Neylo's Intellectual Roundtable - Episode 1

Hello and welcome to the first episode of Neylo's Intellectual Roundtable. I am your host, Neyland D. Catt and today I am bringing you a gathering of the nation's foremost intellectual giants to discuss some hot-button issues. Trust me when I tell you that these are the big brains. The Einsteins. Joining me today are Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino, who is a self-professed genius of working out and stuff. Next to him is Britney Spears, an expert in re-animation. She is obviously tops in her field, as she has resurrected her own career more times than a Night of The Living Dead movie. Beside Brit is, of course, Lindsey Lohan, who is an expert at making people believe she is important. And finally we have Toucan Sam, beloved cartoon mascot. he is an expert at being a cereal whore. Alright, let's begin...

Neyland - Our first topic tonight is Satire in the Enlightenment. Who was the more influential satirist: Voltaire or Samuel Johnson? We'll start with Britney Spears.

Britney - Uh. What now?

Neyland - Voltaire or Johnson, Brit.

Britney - Dang y'all! That's a tough one, y'all!

Neyland - Nevermind. Situation?

The Situation - I'd just like to say "What's up?" to everybody out there watching! I'm up here interlectualizing to prove there's more to me than just this fantastic set of abs. (Stands up and removes shirt to show abs)

Neyland - Whatever. Who was more influential?

The Situation - I'm really not sure which of them guys was more influenza. Can I phone a friend?

Neyland - Wrong show there abs of steel.

The Situation - I just hate to get it wrong, you know?

Neyland - There's no right or wrong answer wise guy. You don't think this is a game show do you? There's no prize. There's not even a winner. This is just a discussion.

The Situation - Uh oh. Looks like we got ourselves a situation! (Grins lamely at the camera)

Neyland - Hmm. No, I'm not sure we do. Next. Lohan... Voltaire or Johnson?

LiLo - Ack!

Neyland - Lohan! Are you literally snorting cocaine on my set??

LiLo - Whooooo! Look at my junk!!! (Lifts skirt. Thankfully the censor bar saves the day)

Neyland - Good grief. Toucan Sam, what do you have for me?

Toucan Sam - I believe that Samuel Johnson's works were in some ways derivative of Voltaire's as well as being counterpoints to them. I find his characterizations more one-dimensional than those from, say, Candide. Voltaire's characters evolve and grow as we all do in life. It's for that reason that I personally believe Voltaire's works to be superior.

Neyland - Wow. That's good stuff there Toucan.

Toucan Sam - I just follow my nose old boy!

Neyland - Alright, our next topic is the Gaza Strip. Who, if anyone, has the right to settle there? Let's start with Britwit again.

Britney Spears - Um. Everybody?

Neyland - Wow. I suppose that's remarkable in its own way. Your answer almost seemed to show some tiny spark of comprehension. I mean, you at least seemed to understand that I was asking a question that time.

Britney Spears - Um. Am I supposed to flash my junk like LiLo now?

Neyland - No. Nobody needs to see that again. Speaking of Lohan...

Lindsey Lohan - Uck! Blorp!

Neyland - Aw geez! Lohan just hurled all over the set! Cut to commercial!

The Situation - Aaaghh! It's on my abs!!!

Neyland - We'll be right back after this folks...
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Back tomorrow with part two!