Letters from the edge #4

Happy Tuesday kids! I hope you are all recovered after your festive Columbus Day parties. Still not sure why Columbus Ohio gets its own holiday, but at least it gives us all an opportunity to put up the Columbus Tree and party on! Neyland D. Catt back with you for another fan letter post. However, like all of M. Night Shyamalan's movies, there is a twist.* Today, I will let Anime answer the letters. Time to let the kid have her big shot. Besides, I want to be here when she falls flat on her face. Take it away Anime...


Letter #1

Dear Neyland,


A lot of us are very upset with the recent comments you made about Garfield the cat. Garfield is a cultural icon. He is a living legend who is adored by children and adults everywhere. Please do not refer to Mr. Garfield in such derogatory terms in the future, or you and I will be at odds with one another.


Big Louie
Garfield Appreciation Society



Hi Louie! Neylo and I were discussing Garfield just the other day and we came to a startling conclusion. Your letter has confirmed our hypothesis. Let's look at certain facts pertaining to the living legend... Garfield is fat. Garfield is callous and has little regard for others. Garfield loves Italian pasta dishes. Garfield somehow manages to convince others to do his bidding. The conclusion... Garfield is a Mafia Boss!!!
With that revelation in mind, I would like to sincerely apologize on behalf of Neyland for any offensive remarks toward Mr. Garfield. Please don't hurt us Mr. Big Louie. I don't want to "sleep with the fishes" (although initially I really, really did... then Neyland explained what it meant). We won't say anything else bad about Garfield. We will now return to making fun of Lady GaGa instead.


P.S. The abbreviation for Garfield Appreciation Society is G.A.S. HaHa! Must be all that lasagna!


Letter #2

Dear Funny Cat Guy,


Why don't you do funny jokes about dogs like some other cats do?


Billy M.
Madison WI


Hi Billy! The fact of the matter is that dogs and cats really aren't at odds like we are portrayed in the movies and on TV. We get along pretty well. It's the people we have a problem with. And armadillos. Don't ask. It's a long story. Anyways... there are plenty of dogs that I consider friends. Our neighbor dog, Daisy, is a real treat and hates armadillos too!** Apparently, there is some sort of agenda in the media to make cats and dogs enemies. Well! We are not marching to the beat of your drum Mr. Media Mogul!! We will behave according to the dictates of our own will!!! We will... sorry. I get a little carried away when I take a stand.


In short, Billy, we don't think jokes about dogs are funny just because they are about dogs. It has to be a good joke. Same goes with cat jokes. I, however, have never heard a bad armadillo joke.


Letter #3

Dear Neyland,


When are we going to see your animated short? Will any of the other cats be in it? Hurry up!!!


Heather (The Lady)


Hey Lady! Big Pinkie said to tell everyone that he has finished the script for the short. Who knows how long the rest of it will take!? Maybe by next Columbus Eve. Or before all the kids get out of school for their big Presidents Day vacation. Oh yeah! I will be in it! Tiger too! Plus there's at least one action packed fight scene!
Thanks to Neylo for letting me answer the letters this week. I promise not to take his job completely.
----Anime Jingle Socks a.k.a Slinky McFuzz a.k.a Fluffadoodles

OK. I have to admit, the kid didn't do half bad. It was at least a quarter bad though. She's still got work ahead of her to be as good as yours truly. We'll be back tomorrow with another Halloween Tale To Terrify!! It will send you running to the litter box in fear!

Neyland D. Catt



*The "twist" to M. Night Shyamalan's last movie, The Last Airbender, was that even with a built-in audience of adoring kids and a hot licensed property, M. Night can still make a movie suck.


**Pay no attention to the armadillo talk. None of the cats (or Daisy) have ever seen an armadillo. There are no armadillos even remotely close to our neck of the woods. I'm not even sure they actually know what an armadillo is.

Cheerz and Jeerz

Welcome back to Ol' Neyland's little slice of the interwebbernets. Today, I'm ripping off the whole Cheers and Jeers gimmick. I have safely protected myself from highly trained ninja lawyers by changing a few carefully selected letters. Using a "z" instead of an "s" also gives me more street cred. So without further ado (a great thing for those who are allergic to ado) here we go:

Cheerz - Crazy Cat Ladies
Where would we be without crazy ladies who collect cats like nerds (Big Pinkie) collect comic books? Many of us would be homeless. Out on the street fending for ourselves. These wonderful souls rescue us from a life of crime. Granted, most of us would be criminal masterminds, but you get the point. Kudos to them for doting on us properly and helping to stop cat-on-cat crime.

Jeerz - Cat Haters
Really. Give it a rest. I'm pretty sure no one is forcing felines upon you at gunpoint. If you don't like cats, fine. Don't own one. But there's no need to hate an entire species. Unless its spiders.

Cheerz - Cats on Christmas Cards
I realize that I may be biased, but there is nothing so adorable as cats wishing everyone a merry Christmas. We simply put everyone in a happy place when they get the cards.

Jeerz - Halloween
Why must we always be portrayed as the willing assistant to a diabolical witch every October? I myself don't even know any witches. Do all cats that aren't solid black and hiss a lot just go hide somewhere for an entire holiday? This promotes the sense that cats are inherently evil and is a sweeping uneducated generalization of an entire species. Spiders however, are properly characterized.

Cheerz - Heathcliff the Cat
This less well known cartoon cat was quick-witted and savvy. He knew how to get out of a jam and was loved by his friends.

Jeerz - Garfield the Cat
Thanks Garfield. Thanks for stereotyping an entire generation of felines as selfish, lazy, bloated, lasagna lovers. We were once worshipped as gods by the Egyptians. Now we hate Mondays.

Cheerz - Tailchaser's Song by Tad Williams
This is a classic tale of cat ingenuity framed in a thrilling adventure. If there were more cat stories like this, we wouldn't hate Mondays anymore.

Jeerz - Cats Suck! by Timmy McGinty
Okay, so not many people have heard of this story. That doesn't mean it shouldn't be jeered. Keep it up Timmy and I'll make sure you never get out of Mrs. Johnson's third grade class!

That's all for now gang. I'll be back tomorrow. Join me. You lasagna lovers you.

Neyland D. Catt