Showing posts with label Halloween. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Halloween. Show all posts

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

When did Thanksgiving stop mattering?

Hello all.  Neyland D. Catt back at you again.  Yeah.  That's right.  Time to get yourself a brainful of cat goodness.

Today I want to talk to you all about a disturbing trend: the shrinking importance of Thanksgiving.  Apparently this holiday doesn't mean anything anymore.  I remember a time when Thanksgiving was right up there Christmas.  Halloween took a back seat and New Years wasn't even a twinkle in anybody's eye.  Turkey Day was one of the big dogs.  A Prime Time Player.  Now it's just a speed bump in the madcap rush to fling all your cash away before December 25th.

Seriously, what happened here?  Obviously, commercialization is a big part of it.  There's pretty much only one big item that can be marketed for Thanksgiving: turkeys.  That's it.  Just big fat birds.  Christmas gives us more options for things to buy than anyone will ever possibly need.  Stores will dutifully hawk everything from toys to toasters.  Even unsold turkeys will find their way into Christmas ads.  So, obviously, Turkey Day takes a big back seat to Christmas.  However, it has even fallen behind Halloween in holiday prominence.  Again, Halloween offers more marketing opportunities.  Costumes, decorations, and candy versus turkeys.  Dead, plucked turkeys.  Christmas has candy too by the way.  There's just no demand for pumpkin pie flavored lollipops or turkey-shaped milk chocolate.  Maybe a marshmallow pilgrim?  No.  Thanksgiving needs a marketing makeover.

The other problem with Thanksgivings popularity is that there is no appeal to children.  For Christmas they get toys.  For Halloween they get candy.  For Thanksgiving they get... to eat.  They pretty much do that every day.  Probably things they like better than turkey and dressing.  Kids just don't find the same joy in sitting down with the entire family to have a meal.  Maybe Thanksgiving needs an activity to draw in the kids.  Maybe turkey-shaped pinatas filled with marshmallow pilgrim candy.

Really, though, it boils down to the point of the holiday.  Giving thanks.  That really doesn't seem to be trendy these days.  It's not glamorous like dressing up in crazy costumes or opening shiny packages.  Being thankful?  Nah.  It's too bad really, because these days we all have so much to be thankful for.  It's a shame that we can't all take a day out of our busy lives to appreciate that.  At this rate, the holiday should change it's name to Thanks-taking.  As in, "thanks for letting me take all of your money for Christmas".  Or maybe Banksgiving.  In the end, the only ones who really seem to take Thanksgiving seriously are the turkeys.  Especially if they survive it.

Back tomorrow with a little something I call "Fun with Captcha Words!"

Neyland D. Catt


Photobucket

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Halloween Tales To Terrify! The Pumpkin People

                            
Okay, here is the long-awaited second Halloween story.  It grew into a much longer piece than I thought!  Beware.  This one might actually be a little creepy!




                                                       The Pumpkin People
                                                                         by
                                                            Neyland D. Catt


     There once was a sleep little place called PumpkinTown.*  In this town lived the pumpkin people, a happy and care free lot.  They would spend their days happily rolling around the town square and the fields, toiling as only pumpkins do.  Their orange skins would light up like the sun as they sang and danced their merry jigs.
     One happy autumn day, a new pumpkin came to town.  His name was Jack.  He came to live in an abandoned building near the town square.  Jack made his room in the upstairs and boarded up the windows of the empty shop below.  Each morning, the sounds of hammers and saws could be heard from behind the boards.  One day, a pumpkin named Peter happened upon jack on his way to the market.  He asked Jack why he had boarded up the windows.
     "I am making a new shop inside," he said.  "I didn't want to spoil the surprise, so I have been fixing it up in secret."
     "That is marvelous!" Peter exclaimed.  "What type of shop will it be?"
     Jack looked around to see that no other pumpkins were listening, then leaned in close to Peter to whisper, "It will be a most wonderful pie shop.  Don't tell anyone!  I want it to be a surprise!"
     "You can count on me Jack!" Peter declared enthusiastically.  "I can keep a secret!"
     So Peter the Pumpkin rolled away gleefully, guarding the secret of PumpkinTown's new pie shop.  He kept his word, even when his friend Polly and Mayor Preston Pumpkin asked him about it.  He would merely shake his head and smile.
     The days passed slowly and all the while the leaves turned to brilliant shades of fire and began to drift down like a soft rain.  One day, Peter came upon Polly and several other young pumpkins talking in a most dramatic way.  Polly herself seemed quite distraught.  Peter made his way over to ask what was the matter.
     "Oh Peter!  It's awful!  Old Perry Pumpkin has vanished without a trace!" she declared.
     "Vanished?  No one knows where he is?" Peter asked, aghast.
     "No one!   He's been gone for two days!"
     Peter left the group with a heavy heart.  This was surely a tragedy and tragedies simply didn't happen in PumpkinTown!  His spirits were lifted when he passed by Jack's place and saw a sign proclaiming tomorrow to be the Grand Opening of Jack's Pie Shop.  He rolled gleefully all the way home.
     The next day arrived at last and Peter Pumpkin raced down to Jack's Pie Shop.  He desperately wanted to be the first to lay eyes upon what would surely be a wonder!  He turned the corner to find that there were already several others there before him, including Polly.  Peter could not contain his excitement, but paused to speak to Polly.
     "Have you been inside yet?" he asked breathlessly.
     "Oh yes, Peter!  It's simply wonderful!  Jack has made the tastiest pie I have ever had the pleasure of eating," she exclaimed.  "Hurry inside before it's all gone.  I won't keep you."
     "Alright," Peter said.  "Perhaps we can talk later then?"
     "I don't know," Polly said thoughtfully.  "Jack has asked me to come by later.  He says he might show me how the pies are made.  Imagine me, working in a magical pie shop!"
     Peter laughed as Polly rolled away, but there was a small hint of jealousy brewing.  He liked Jack, but the idea of Polly spending extra time with him made Peter nervous for some reason.  Polly was his friend after all.
     Peter pushed the thought aside and rushed inside the pie shop.  There was Jack, surrounded by eager pumpkins, desperate for a piece of his already popular pie.  Peter waited in line and watched hopelessly as piece after piece was taken from the pan and sold.  He arrived at the counter and looked dejectedly at the empty pan.  There was none left.  Jack, however, merely chuckled.
     "You didn't think I would have a grand opening without making sure that you got a piece of pie did you?" he laughed as he produced a small plate from behind the counter.  "I saved this one just for you."
     Peter thanked him graciously and took the plate of orange-hued pie longingly.  His first taste was magical.  The flavor was like nothing else he had ever tasted!  It was full of spices and the texture was smooth and rich.  He devoured the rest voraciously and left not a crumb behind.
     "Thanks Jack!  I'll be back tomorrow for another!" he exclaimed.  Jack gave another chuckle and returned to his work.
     Peter left the shop and was rolling blissfully homeward.  He was stopped near his house by Mayor Preston Pumpkin.  The old mayor was a figure of great renown in PumpkinTown.  One would never miss an opportunity to converse with their venerable leader.
     "Peter, where are you off to?" the mayor inquired.
     "Home sir.  I need a nap after that tasty pie!"
     "Very well.  See that you are not out too late tonight.  Old Perry is still missing and now no one can find Petunia Pumpkin either," the mayor said gravely.
     "Yes sir," Peter replied obediently.  He then continued down the path to his home, slightly troubled.  One disappearance was unusual enough.  Two was unheard of!  He went to his room right away and thoughts of missing pumpkins vanished in a sleepy haze.
     The next day found Peter once more hurrying to Jack's shop, determined this time to be near the front of the line.  He was fifth and ravenously devoured his plump piece of pie.  The line was still snaking into the street when he left.  He found a small group of pumpkins huddled near an old tree across the street from the shop.  He wandered over, nearly in a daze, to talk to them.
     "Hey Peter," Patrick Pumpkin said, greeting him conspiratorially.  "Have you seen Polly?"
     "No," Peter replied, suddenly nervous.  "Wasn't she here?"
     "She wasn't.  We all thought she would be one of the first in line for pie this morning, or maybe she would be here helping Jack make them," Patrick said.
     "I'll go to her house and see if she is there," Peter said frantically.  "I hope she isn't ill!"
     Peter left the others in a hurry.  He hadn't said what he really feared - that she had disappeared like the others.  He arrived at Polly's house to find her mother frantic with worry.  She was rolling back and forth in a tizzy.
     "Oh Peter!  Where could she be?" she asked.
     "I don't know, but I'm sure she is fine," Peter said in an attempt to console her.  "Where did you see her last?"
     "I don't remember.  Oh I'm afraid I'm just not much use," Polly's mother wailed.  "Wait!  The last time I saw her was just before she left to meet Jack at the pie shop last night!"
     "Don't worry.  I'll find her," Peter said before leaving in a rush.
     Peter hurried home to gather a few things and make a plan of action.  Horrible suspicions and ghastly worries were swirling in his head.  Polly was last seen heading to the pie shop.  Jack had made no mention of seeing Polly in the morning or the night before.  Peter had made up his mind - he was going to have a look inside Jack's pie shop!
     Peter waited until night had well and truly fallen before setting out.  There was a chill wind rustling through the bare tree limbs.  The moon hung high in the sky like a baleful eye glaring down on PumpkinTown.  Peter was startled as an owl screeched loudly and took to the air from a skeletal tree behind him.  He drew a deep breath and hurried to the shop, making sure to keep to the shadows.
     The pie shop was dark and ominous as Peter approached the door.  Not a single light was seen inside.  Darkness draped around it like a cloak.  Peter glanced into the street to ensure that no one was watching, then pried open the door with a tool he had brought from home.  The door swung open with a creak.  Peter winced, hoping no one had heard.  He crept inside and pulled the door shut behind him.  He lit the candle that he had taken from his bedroom and gave a long look around the interior of the shop.  The counter was empty and shrouded in shadows.  The smell of the spiced pies still lingered in the air, but gone was the sweetness.  Now it was stifling and overpowering.  Seeing no one about, Peter sidled around the counter.
     Beyond the counter was the kitchen.  There were pots, pans, and ovens for cooking.  Cabinets and cupboards filled the room.  On one he found a large cutting board and an assortment of long carving knives.  The sight of them gave him a chill, despite the fact that he had seen their like in his own home without any misgivings.  In the dark, everything took on a sinister aspect.  Peter scanned the kitchen and saw nothing out of the ordinary.  He had almost decided that he had been silly to come to the shop, but then he saw the large door in the back of the room.  He had missed it on his initial glance because of the curtain pulled over it.
     Peter rolled slowly to the door, fear and suspense filling him nearly to bursting.  He tried the handle.  It turned.  With great trepidation, he opened the door.  What he saw there forever changed Peter Pumpkin.  Inside the pantry were the ghastly remains of three pumpkins!  Polly, Perry, and Petunia Pumpkin were lying lifelessly in a heap of shells below the shelves!  Peter was filed with revulsion, then fear, then nausea as he realized what he was looking at.  Jack had made his pies out of them!  As his eyes fell on Polly, Peter's nausea turned to a slow simmering rage.  He walked with purpose from the pantry, the candle gripped tightly in one hand.  He snatched up a long carving knife with the other and crept to the stairs.
     The next morning the inhabitants of PumpkinTown found that Peter Pumpkin had gone missing, but this discovery was nothing compared to the grisly scene in Jack's Pie Shop.  The Mayor and his men found Polly and the others in the pantry after Jack had failed to open his shop to the gathered masses.  They searched all day for Peter and Jack, but found no trace of either.  The town was frantic, as they had come to realize that one of the two had brutally murdered Polly and the others.  Their search ended that night, as the horrifying visage of Jack stared down from the roof of his shop, his head opened up, his insides scooped out, a macabre face carved into his shell, and a single candle shining out from within.
     Peter Pumpkin was never seen again in PumpkinTown, but on crisp and dark October evenings evidence of his passing can still be seen.  Beware Peter Pumpkin.  Beware his candle.  Beware his knife.

*********************

Yikes!  I think I scared myself.  Glad I'm not a pumpkin.  See ya tomorrow kiddies!


*Oddly enough, the town I live in was once called Pumpkintown.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Letters from the edge #5


Hello all and welcome to the halfway point of another week.  You're almost to the weekend.  Don't give up now.  Today brings another installment of Letters from the edge.  However, this time we are going to respond to comments from some of our lovely readers and not the strange stuff we find in our e-mail inbox.*  We have not changed the names to protect the guilty.  If you don't want your comment printed in future editions, just let me know.  I will cower before your righteous anger and bend to your will.  Let's begin...


#1
We're wondering if you're writing a book. If not, do seriously consider it. And what about your film?

Kea




Well Kea, we are indeed considering writing a book.  There are, however, several problems.  First and foremost is the fact that no one would publish it.  This is closely followed by the fact that no one would read it if it were.  The third issue is that we are basically lazy and have enough trouble keeping up with a blog.  If there are ever enough people interested in reading a book by Neyland D. Catt, we might have to suck it up and do a little work.


As for the film... work continues on the project, but animation is sadly a slow process.  Computers and some really great software have sped up the process greatly, but it is still tedious and labor-intensive.  We are probably looking at sometime around Christmas for the debut.  Always nice to hear from you Kea and thanks for your support!




#2
I have to say that Heathcliff is definitely a much better cat than Garfield... although I'm prone to say that his comic self could attempt to stay out of trouble a little more often... his lawyer fees must cost his family an arm and a leg ;)
heather@actingbalanced.com


I agree completely.  I don't want to start an anti-Garfield/pro-Garfield war here though.  Let's save that energy for Lady GaGa and her diabolical friends.  Good ol' Heathcliff probably bankrupted his family.  I'm assuming that's why he is no longer on the air.  He's probably hanging out with MC Hammer and Willie Nelson trying to regain some of their former glory and financial stability.  Maybe they can organize a fund raising concert!




#3
We feel you bring a bit of something akin to Monty Python's Flying Circus crossed with Pee Wee Herman's Playhouse to the CB...keep it coming!
Teri and the cats of Furrydance


Wow!  That's high praise indeed!  Now I can't stop imagining what it would have been like if Pee Wee Herman were a member of the Monty Python troupe.  I'm not sure if it would have been entertaining or disturbing!  Pee Wee and the Holy Grail would have been a timeless classic though.  Probably would have won an Oscar.




#4
I liked your Cheerz and Jeerz...well, I liked the cheerz!
Brian


Thanks Brian!  We love hearing from you!  The Cheerz and Jeerz post seemed to be pretty popular.  We are probably going to make that another of our semi-regular features.  Nothing here is on a very regular schedule.  We are very much flying by the seat of our pants!  And I don't even wear pants!**




#5
I am your newest follower from the blog hop!  Follow me back!!!!!
too many to list here@mostblogs


All right!  At last I have a follower!  Maybe soon I will even have a disciple!  Now then my follower, you must follow my orders very carefully.  Even if they sometimes involve personal peril.  If you follow my lead then the western hemisphere will soon be under our control!  Wait a minute... follow you back?  I don't think you understand how this works.  One of us has to be the leader.  Me.  Oh.  Big Pinkie just explained this one to me.  He's worried that the person that posted this comment might not want it to be printed.  I explained that they probably will never read it anyway.  Thanks to all of you who have commented since this blog started!  You make it worth our while!


Come back tomorrow for another Halloween Tale To Terrify!***


Neyland D. Catt




* I don't even know where the stuff we find in our inbox comes from.  Seriously... whoever you are, we don't want to buy any viagra!


** Don't let Neylo fool you.  He sometimes wears pants.  Tiny little pants.  They are green.  I will pay for this comment later.


*** Yeah.  I know.  We promised this like two weeks ago.  Remember, we are basically lazy.


                                    ----Big Pinkie







Photobucket

Thursday, October 14, 2010

The Top 10 Things I Care About But Shouldn't

Hello folks! Welcome back to Neyland D. Catt's little slice of the virtual pie. It's a Thursday and there is probably some blog hoppin' going on around here somewhere. If you are new here... read the previous post. It will explain a small bit of the insanity you are currently experiencing. Some of the insanity is inexplicable. Some of it, well frankly, you brought with you. Now then, it's time for something a little different. A Top 10 list. Yep. I know. Everybody has one. I am now guilty of falling into lockstep with the notorious "Joneses". Here we go...


10. Miley Cyrus and her new video.
I know I really shouldn't care, but for some reason I keep reading articles about this contreversy. Perhaps it's because I see the probable future. Another Britney/Lindsey/Lady GaGa. That frightens me more than anything else Halloween can conjure up. This child starlet thing never ends well. If you know a young starlet, pull her away from the toxic Hollywood lifestyle now before it's too late! All in all though, the video wasn't as bad as I expected.

9. Dancing With The Stars.
Why?? WHY?! Why do I still pay attention to this? I am beginning to suspect that there are latent masochistic tendencies in my genes. Fortunately, I have seen enough of "The Situation" on tis show that I never need to watch Jersey Shore. Ever. At least it may have finally killed Hasselhoff's career.*

8. Halloween.
I should hate Halloween on principle because of its negative stereotyping of cats, but instead I'm writing Halloween Tales To Terrify and poetry about it. Geez. Maybe I'm just a sellout.

7. The price of tea in China.
I probably shouldn't care, but someone has to.

6. Iran's nuclear program.
Cats have little interest in politics, but this Ahmedinejadabob guy is standing in my way on the path to world domination. What a nutbar. Really, is anyone comfortable with him having access to a nuke? I mean, even he is probably like... "Whoa! Who let me get my hands on this stuff? Who knows what I might do?"

5. Facebook.
Oh I'm not on it. But I am fascinated by it. I watch people spend literally hours doing essentially nothing, but doing it fastidiously and emphatically. It's like watching a train wreck. A train wreck where the train doesn't actually wreck, but everyone is injured anyway.

4. My animated short film.
I shouldn't care because Big Pinkie is slow. By the time he is finished with it, Ahmedinejad will have blown us all to kingdom come with his crazy nuke.**

3. Oprah.
Sure, she seems nice. But I suspect that she might be number two on my list after the nutbar from Iran.

2. Lindsey Lohan's mental state.
See number 10 for a prologue. Seriously, we and the tabloids bear at least some of the blame. We love to see celebrities fall and the tabloids help that failure along. As soon as a teen starlet nears her peak, the tabloids are shoving 500 bucks at some seedy guy in a club saying, "Here, now take this bag of cocaine over there to that little girl. There's an extra 500 in it for you if you can get her to snort it off this picture of the Pope!"

1. My Followers Counter.
I really, really shouldn't care. But every day I sneak a peek. Just to make sure someone is listening.
*******************

So there you have it. My first Top 10 list. I hope you enjoyed it. It might be the last. Ten is a lot. Maybe a Top 2 next time! Anyway, I have to go... I have a Dancing With The Stars DVR'ed.


Neyland D. Catt


*David Hasselhoff's career is like a vampire. It can't be killed by conventional methods. Dancing With The Stars may have driven a stake through its heart, but someone still has to cut off the head. Otherwise, he'll back with something to make Knight Rider look cool.

**This is simply not true. Cats have no patience. I will be hard at work on the short this weekend.

---Big Pinkie

Photobucket

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Please allow me to re-introduce myself...

Hello to familiar faces, freshly acquired friends, and those just stopping by to see what the hubbub is all about.  It has been suggested that I should re-introduce myself, as there are a lot of new folks buzzing around the place.  It's quite possible that it might be a little confusing for newcomers who stumble into the middle of a rant about Garfield or the Biggest Loser.  So here goes:

I am Neyland D. Catt.  Yes.  A cat.  A feline.  There are tons of cats out there with blogs and many of them have been at this for lots longer than I have.  There is a community of sorts.  On most of these blogs you will find humorous pictures of cats, heartwarming stories, and useful tips.  They are wonderful.  Sadly, you will find almost none of that here.

Despite my best efforts, it would appear that we have a few semi-regular features here on the blog.  We have a fan letter column, inexplicably titled Letters From The Edge.  Cheerz and Jeerz will be returning soon as will another Urban Legends post.  Basically, I live in a household with two humans called Big Pinkie and the Lady, three other cats called Tiger, Anime, and Gracie, and I share stories about myself and the rest of the gang as well as my views on entertainment, pop culture, world events, and everything else under the sun.

Many visitors to the blog tell me that I'm funny.  This is quite odd, as I never intend to be humorous.  That's just the way my mind works.  Big Pinkie, on the other hand, seems to fancy himself quite the jokester.  He sometimes rips off Terry Pratchett by way of the little asterix gimmick.*

*This would be the little asterix gimmick he is referring to.  If you know of Terry Pratchett, I'm sure you will agree that he does it better.**

**If you know Terry Pratchett personally... please don't tell him.  We are allergic to lawyers.


Yeah.  That was annoying right?  Anyway.  I am a cat blogger who is here to entertain you.  I will use all that I have at my disposal to make that happen.  If you're not sure if this blog is for you, then take a few minutes to look back at some of our older posts.  We have had some doozies.  I have told terrifying halloween tales, interviewed a celebrity (which has turned into an all out war with Lady Gaga), written poetry, given insight into the Biggest Loser and Dancing With the Stars, and even occasionally posted a cute picture of a cat.

I think you will find something here to entertain you.  Please join us.  We are not a cult.  However, your adoration and worship is welcome.


Neyland D. Catt
A slightly sidewise view.  Get used to that.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Letters from the edge #4

Happy Tuesday kids! I hope you are all recovered after your festive Columbus Day parties. Still not sure why Columbus Ohio gets its own holiday, but at least it gives us all an opportunity to put up the Columbus Tree and party on! Neyland D. Catt back with you for another fan letter post. However, like all of M. Night Shyamalan's movies, there is a twist.* Today, I will let Anime answer the letters. Time to let the kid have her big shot. Besides, I want to be here when she falls flat on her face. Take it away Anime...


Letter #1

Dear Neyland,


A lot of us are very upset with the recent comments you made about Garfield the cat. Garfield is a cultural icon. He is a living legend who is adored by children and adults everywhere. Please do not refer to Mr. Garfield in such derogatory terms in the future, or you and I will be at odds with one another.


Big Louie
Garfield Appreciation Society



Hi Louie! Neylo and I were discussing Garfield just the other day and we came to a startling conclusion. Your letter has confirmed our hypothesis. Let's look at certain facts pertaining to the living legend... Garfield is fat. Garfield is callous and has little regard for others. Garfield loves Italian pasta dishes. Garfield somehow manages to convince others to do his bidding. The conclusion... Garfield is a Mafia Boss!!!
With that revelation in mind, I would like to sincerely apologize on behalf of Neyland for any offensive remarks toward Mr. Garfield. Please don't hurt us Mr. Big Louie. I don't want to "sleep with the fishes" (although initially I really, really did... then Neyland explained what it meant). We won't say anything else bad about Garfield. We will now return to making fun of Lady GaGa instead.


P.S. The abbreviation for Garfield Appreciation Society is G.A.S. HaHa! Must be all that lasagna!


Letter #2

Dear Funny Cat Guy,


Why don't you do funny jokes about dogs like some other cats do?


Billy M.
Madison WI


Hi Billy! The fact of the matter is that dogs and cats really aren't at odds like we are portrayed in the movies and on TV. We get along pretty well. It's the people we have a problem with. And armadillos. Don't ask. It's a long story. Anyways... there are plenty of dogs that I consider friends. Our neighbor dog, Daisy, is a real treat and hates armadillos too!** Apparently, there is some sort of agenda in the media to make cats and dogs enemies. Well! We are not marching to the beat of your drum Mr. Media Mogul!! We will behave according to the dictates of our own will!!! We will... sorry. I get a little carried away when I take a stand.


In short, Billy, we don't think jokes about dogs are funny just because they are about dogs. It has to be a good joke. Same goes with cat jokes. I, however, have never heard a bad armadillo joke.


Letter #3

Dear Neyland,


When are we going to see your animated short? Will any of the other cats be in it? Hurry up!!!


Heather (The Lady)


Hey Lady! Big Pinkie said to tell everyone that he has finished the script for the short. Who knows how long the rest of it will take!? Maybe by next Columbus Eve. Or before all the kids get out of school for their big Presidents Day vacation. Oh yeah! I will be in it! Tiger too! Plus there's at least one action packed fight scene!
Thanks to Neylo for letting me answer the letters this week. I promise not to take his job completely.
----Anime Jingle Socks a.k.a Slinky McFuzz a.k.a Fluffadoodles


OK. I have to admit, the kid didn't do half bad. It was at least a quarter bad though. She's still got work ahead of her to be as good as yours truly. We'll be back tomorrow with another Halloween Tale To Terrify!! It will send you running to the litter box in fear!

Neyland D. Catt



*The "twist" to M. Night Shyamalan's last movie, The Last Airbender, was that even with a built-in audience of adoring kids and a hot licensed property, M. Night can still make a movie suck.


**Pay no attention to the armadillo talk. None of the cats (or Daisy) have ever seen an armadillo. There are no armadillos even remotely close to our neck of the woods. I'm not even sure they actually know what an armadillo is.

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Halloween Tales To Terrify!

Greetings brave soul and welcome to Neyland's Haunted House of Terror!  Today I will tell you a tale to make your fur stand on end.  We now present to you a ghastly series of supernatural events known only as... The Headless Mouse!




     It was just before midnight in the old house on the hill and Tiger the cat was creeping through the darkened hallways.  The two humans who occupied the house were gone overnight, so Tiger was alone in the house except for his sister Anime, who was sleeping in the bedroom.  Tiger was hungry and was on his way to the kitchen to find a snack.  Surely there was kibble left in his dish or perhaps even some forgotten morsel dropped by the clumsy man.
     He had found his dish half-empty and was about to dig in when he heard a strange sound from outside.  He glanced to the glass door that led onto the deck and saw the trees swaying wildly in a fierce wind.  The stars were hidden from view by dark clouds that raced across the night sky.  The wind began to moan through the tiny openings around the door's frame.  He shuddered and backed away from the frightening scene.  Storms terrified Tiger and this one looked to be a bad one.  A forked trail of lightning lit up the yard momentarily and he bolted from the room.
     He found Anime sitting up groggily on the floor of the bedroom.  She looked as though she had been startled awake.  "Sounds like a storm," she said.
     "Yeah.  I think it's going to be a bad one," Tiger replied.  He shivered and huddled close to his sister.
     "What's your deal?"  Anime inquired, taken aback.  "Dude.  You're shaking."
     "I saw something outside.  I think it was coming towards the house!"  Tiger exclaimed, the fear apparent in his voice.  He wasn't sure what he had seen, but there was no doubt that a small, shadowy figure had indeed been moving in the night.  There was a sudden scratching at the window.  Both cats darted for the safety of the hallway.
     "What was it?" Anime demanded.  She stared toward the window anxiously.  Tiger's eyes never left it.  He was thankful that the blinds were drawn so that he did not have to see whatever had made the noise, but was frightened of the unknown on the other side.
     "I don't know what it was, but I think we have to find out," Tiger told his sister, trying to sound confident.  His heart was racing with fear, but he had meant those words.  He would have to find out.  He cautiously retraced his steps back into the kitchen, the glass door looming like a giant mouth in the wall.  Anime trailed behind tentatively.
     The wind was even stronger, whipping the trees about in some mad frenzy.  Lightning lit up the sky again and for just the briefest of moments Tiger thought he saw a tiny shape near the deck.  As quick as it had appeared, it was gone.
     "Did you see that?" Tiger whispered.
     "Yeah.  What was it?" Anime asked in return.
     "I'm not sure.  It was small.  Small and fast.  I'm going out to have a look.  You stay here," he said, forcing his voice to remain calm.
     "No way!  That's what the stupid humans always do in scary movies!" Anime retorted.
     Tiger ignored her protest and went to the door.  He stood on his hind legs and grasped the knob with his paws to give a twist.  He had always been able to do this trick.  It was something that baffled the humans he lived with.  The door swung out violently as the wind caught it, slamming it hard against the frame.  Anime squealed and ran for the bedroom, leaving Tiger alone with the night.
     Tiger swallowed hard and stepped into the swirling wind.  He darted fearful glances to both sides as he stepped onto the deck.  Nothing but the bushes rustling in the gale.  He started to walk toward the steps but stopped suddenly as he heard a sound coming from just beyond the railing.

SCRATCH.

Tiger froze in place, his heart thundering in his ears.  He pleaded with his legs to carry him back inside, but still he was rooted in place.

SCRATCH.

SCRATCH.

Tiger's eyes widened as the tiny shadow began to rise up over the top step, the horrible sound growing ever nearer.

SCRATCH.

The shadow stood on the top step now, having clawed its way onto the deck.  The lightning flared again and there revealed in the white light was the ghastly image of a headless mouse!  It slowly walked toward Tiger, its tiny claws scraping against the weathered wood of the deck.  Tiger watched with narrowed eyes as it drew nearer.  It reared up on its hind legs and... Tiger ate it.  Then he went back inside to find dessert.

****************

So there you have it folks!  The first of our Halloween Tales To Terrify!  That was one scary story!  Tiger will eat anything!  His appetite is the most frightening thing I have ever witnessed!  See you tomorrow...

Neyland D. Catt

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Cheerz and Jeerz

Welcome back to Ol' Neyland's little slice of the interwebbernets. Today, I'm ripping off the whole Cheers and Jeers gimmick. I have safely protected myself from highly trained ninja lawyers by changing a few carefully selected letters. Using a "z" instead of an "s" also gives me more street cred. So without further ado (a great thing for those who are allergic to ado) here we go:

Cheerz - Crazy Cat Ladies
Where would we be without crazy ladies who collect cats like nerds (Big Pinkie) collect comic books? Many of us would be homeless. Out on the street fending for ourselves. These wonderful souls rescue us from a life of crime. Granted, most of us would be criminal masterminds, but you get the point. Kudos to them for doting on us properly and helping to stop cat-on-cat crime.

Jeerz - Cat Haters
Really. Give it a rest. I'm pretty sure no one is forcing felines upon you at gunpoint. If you don't like cats, fine. Don't own one. But there's no need to hate an entire species. Unless its spiders.

Cheerz - Cats on Christmas Cards
I realize that I may be biased, but there is nothing so adorable as cats wishing everyone a merry Christmas. We simply put everyone in a happy place when they get the cards.

Jeerz - Halloween
Why must we always be portrayed as the willing assistant to a diabolical witch every October? I myself don't even know any witches. Do all cats that aren't solid black and hiss a lot just go hide somewhere for an entire holiday? This promotes the sense that cats are inherently evil and is a sweeping uneducated generalization of an entire species. Spiders however, are properly characterized.

Cheerz - Heathcliff the Cat
This less well known cartoon cat was quick-witted and savvy. He knew how to get out of a jam and was loved by his friends.

Jeerz - Garfield the Cat
Thanks Garfield. Thanks for stereotyping an entire generation of felines as selfish, lazy, bloated, lasagna lovers. We were once worshipped as gods by the Egyptians. Now we hate Mondays.

Cheerz - Tailchaser's Song by Tad Williams
This is a classic tale of cat ingenuity framed in a thrilling adventure. If there were more cat stories like this, we wouldn't hate Mondays anymore.

Jeerz - Cats Suck! by Timmy McGinty
Okay, so not many people have heard of this story. That doesn't mean it shouldn't be jeered. Keep it up Timmy and I'll make sure you never get out of Mrs. Johnson's third grade class!

That's all for now gang. I'll be back tomorrow. Join me. You lasagna lovers you.

Neyland D. Catt