Neyland's Hollywood Round Up

Howdy kids.  Neyland D. Catt back for a second post in two days.  That's practically a record!  I haven't bashed on all the Hollywood types in a while, so today is my day to get my fix!  Prepare yourselves for a round of informative mockery of the latest happenings in Entertainment Town...

First up: Miley Cyrus smokes a bong in a video!

Gasp!  Say it ain't so!  Let's face it, Miley is not a little kid anymore.  She is a young adult now.  Young adults, especially those with lots of money and fame, see their IQ's drop by at least half for a period of around 8 to 10 years.  They will do extraordinarily stupid things just because they have the option to.  This is the period of time that nature uses to try and kill off the truly, terminally stupid.  I won't even get into the debate of whether she was smoking salvia or marijuana.  Really doesn't matter much.  My gut tells me that Miley will survive her wild-child years with at least some of her dignity intact.  However, she will probably end up on Dancing With The Stars at some point.  Not sure what will remain of her dignity after that.

"The Hasselhoffs" Cancelled after 2 episodes!


Wow.  Didn't even make it long enough to get re-runs to air forever in Germany.  This is good news folks.  This struck a blow for good taste across the world.  Combine this with his hasty exit from Dancing With The Stars and you have a clear message:  America is sick of David Hasselhoff!  Seriously, dude, if you were a cat, you'd have used up all 9 lives 15 years ago.  Give it up.  The whole Zombie craze is starting to fade anyway.*

Racy Pics of Christina Aguilera leaked!


Not really sure this news.  Christina has been "racy" for as long as I can remember.  Maybe they were pictures of her fully clothed and being demure?  It amazes me that stars are shocked when stuff like this comes out.  Really?!  You were surprised that pictures of you in some bondage outfit made it to the internet?  There was someone standing right in front of you with a camera!  Taking pictures!  In this day and age, everyone and I do mean EVERYONE, has a digital gizmo on them at all times.  Chances are it can take pictures.  Or video.  Or 3D.  Or 4D with smell-o-vision.  The point is, if you don't want the video of you making out with an armadillo showing up on the internet, then don't make out with the armadillo.  Or at least check him for cameras first.

SpaceX launches Dragon capsule into orbit!


What does this have to do with Hollywood you might ask?  Nothing.  Except that once again, we sent a spaceship off the planet and missed the opportunity to send Lady GaGa with it!


See you kids later!  I'd write more, but I have to go take a wiki-leak.**

Neyland D. Catt



*Neyland actually believes that David Hasselhoff is a zombie.  I've tried correcting him, but he does offer up some compelling evidence.

**He has no idea what the whole Wikileaks thing is all about.  He has simply borrowed the term to describe going to the bathroom.  That's my boy.

Cheerz and Jeerz #2

Welcome back!  We are nearing the weekend and your old pal Neyland D. Catt is here to help make the last leg of the journey more enjoyable.  Or more surreal anyway!  Today is the long anticipated return of the Cheerz and Jeerz.  What sets this feature apart from others with similar names?  The quality?  The creativity?  Nope.  The "z's" at the end.  Gives us mad street cred too.  Makes it seem hip and cool to the youngsters.  We are even considering changing it to "Tha Cheerz and Jeerz" because a "Tha" brings more street cred than one can realistically expect in one lifetime.*  Anyway... on with the show!


CHEERZ - The Beatles are finally on iTunes

At long last the lads from Liverpool grace the internet music scene legally.  I'm sure no Beatles fan has already found a way to have their music on an iPod.  Right?  The Fab Four are now digital and there is no going back.  Now we can all go back to hoping there is some long lost "new" Beatles song that will be released unexpectedly.

JEERZ - Lady GaGa is still on iTunes

Geez.  How long does 15 minutes last these days?


CHEERZ - New Harry Potter Movie!

At last a new Potter film is upon us and the end of the franchise is in sight.  Ah, I remember when those crazy kids first appeared on our screens back in 1964.  They took America by storm.  No.  Not the Beatles.  The Potter kids.  Geez.  The dude that plays Harry just had a mid-life crisis while filming the last movie.  Ron's walker had to be digitally removed from the footage.  At least they won't have to worry about being type-cast when the series is over.  They will be retired.

JEERZ - A New M. Night Shyamalan Movie!

In his latest effort to reduce the population of the world to drooling lunacy, M. Night brings us the story of a director who has one good film to launch his career and then spends the rest of his days flinging feces around like a monkey in a cage.  Watch out!  There will be a shocking twist at the end!

CHEERZ - Facebook offers e-mail!

Great!  Now we can all be COMPLETELY connected through the Matrix... I mean Facebook... all the time!  Plus, Facebook will now have way more information about you that can be accidentally accessed by Ham radio operators and any aliens who happen to pass too close to our planet.

JEERZ - The Great Facebook vs. Google War

It's the innocent victims I worry about in this upcoming conflict.  Armies of digital information brokers meeting on a virtual battlefield are never a good thing.  We can only hope that there will be a peaceful resolution.  Maybe even an alliance.  They could merge into one mega-service called GooglyFace.  It wouldn't do anything, but would have a really cute logo with googly-eyes on a smily face and you would instantly be friends with everyone in the world.  Except people who use Myspace.  And M. Night Shyamalan.
****************************

See y'all tomorrow with something random from my brain!
Neyland D. Catt


* Neyland doesn't actually understand what street cred means.  I'm not exactly sure what he thinks it is, but he probably thinks it has some bearing on his credit score.

Letters from the edge #5

Hello all and welcome to the halfway point of another week.  You're almost to the weekend.  Don't give up now.  Today brings another installment of Letters from the edge.  However, this time we are going to respond to comments from some of our lovely readers and not the strange stuff we find in our e-mail inbox.*  We have not changed the names to protect the guilty.  If you don't want your comment printed in future editions, just let me know.  I will cower before your righteous anger and bend to your will.  Let's begin...

#1

We're wondering if you're writing a book. If not, do seriously consider it. And what about your film?
Kea




Well Kea, we are indeed considering writing a book.  There are, however, several problems.  First and foremost is the fact that no one would publish it.  This is closely followed by the fact that no one would read it if it were.  The third issue is that we are basically lazy and have enough trouble keeping up with a blog.  If there are ever enough people interested in reading a book by Neyland D. Catt, we might have to suck it up and do a little work.


As for the film... work continues on the project, but animation is sadly a slow process.  Computers and some really great software have sped up the process greatly, but it is still tedious and labor-intensive.  We are probably looking at sometime around Christmas for the debut.  Always nice to hear from you Kea and thanks for your support!




#2
I have to say that Heathcliff is definitely a much better cat than Garfield... although I'm prone to say that his comic self could attempt to stay out of trouble a little more often... his lawyer fees must cost his family an arm and a leg ;)
heather@actingbalanced.com


I agree completely.  I don't want to start an anti-Garfield/pro-Garfield war here though.  Let's save that energy for Lady GaGa and her diabolical friends.  Good ol' Heathcliff probably bankrupted his family.  I'm assuming that's why he is no longer on the air.  He's probably hanging out with MC Hammer and Willie Nelson trying to regain some of their former glory and financial stability.  Maybe they can organize a fund raising concert!




#3
We feel you bring a bit of something akin to Monty Python's Flying Circus crossed with Pee Wee Herman's Playhouse to the CB...keep it coming!
Teri and the cats of Furrydance


Wow!  That's high praise indeed!  Now I can't stop imagining what it would have been like if Pee Wee Herman were a member of the Monty Python troupe.  I'm not sure if it would have been entertaining or disturbing!  Pee Wee and the Holy Grail would have been a timeless classic though.  Probably would have won an Oscar.




#4
I liked your Cheerz and Jeerz...well, I liked the cheerz!
Brian


Thanks Brian!  We love hearing from you!  The Cheerz and Jeerz post seemed to be pretty popular.  We are probably going to make that another of our semi-regular features.  Nothing here is on a very regular schedule.  We are very much flying by the seat of our pants!  And I don't even wear pants!**




#5
I am your newest follower from the blog hop!  Follow me back!!!!!
too many to list here@mostblogs


All right!  At last I have a follower!  Maybe soon I will even have a disciple!  Now then my follower, you must follow my orders very carefully.  Even if they sometimes involve personal peril.  If you follow my lead then the western hemisphere will soon be under our control!  Wait a minute... follow you back?  I don't think you understand how this works.  One of us has to be the leader.  Me.  Oh.  Big Pinkie just explained this one to me.  He's worried that the person that posted this comment might not want it to be printed.  I explained that they probably will never read it anyway.  Thanks to all of you who have commented since this blog started!  You make it worth our while!


Come back tomorrow for another Halloween Tale To Terrify!***


Neyland D. Catt




* I don't even know where the stuff we find in our inbox comes from.  Seriously... whoever you are, we don't want to buy any viagra!


** Don't let Neylo fool you.  He sometimes wears pants.  Tiny little pants.  They are green.  I will pay for this comment later.


*** Yeah.  I know.  We promised this like two weeks ago.  Remember, we are basically lazy.


                                    ----Big Pinkie

The Top 10 Things I Care About But Shouldn't

Hello folks! Welcome back to Neyland D. Catt's little slice of the virtual pie. It's a Thursday and there is probably some blog hoppin' going on around here somewhere. If you are new here... read the previous post. It will explain a small bit of the insanity you are currently experiencing. Some of the insanity is inexplicable. Some of it, well frankly, you brought with you. Now then, it's time for something a little different. A Top 10 list. Yep. I know. Everybody has one. I am now guilty of falling into lockstep with the notorious "Joneses". Here we go...


10. Miley Cyrus and her new video.
I know I really shouldn't care, but for some reason I keep reading articles about this contreversy. Perhaps it's because I see the probable future. Another Britney/Lindsey/Lady GaGa. That frightens me more than anything else Halloween can conjure up. This child starlet thing never ends well. If you know a young starlet, pull her away from the toxic Hollywood lifestyle now before it's too late! All in all though, the video wasn't as bad as I expected.

9. Dancing With The Stars.
Why?? WHY?! Why do I still pay attention to this? I am beginning to suspect that there are latent masochistic tendencies in my genes. Fortunately, I have seen enough of "The Situation" on tis show that I never need to watch Jersey Shore. Ever. At least it may have finally killed Hasselhoff's career.*

8. Halloween.
I should hate Halloween on principle because of its negative stereotyping of cats, but instead I'm writing Halloween Tales To Terrify and poetry about it. Geez. Maybe I'm just a sellout.

7. The price of tea in China.
I probably shouldn't care, but someone has to.

6. Iran's nuclear program.
Cats have little interest in politics, but this Ahmedinejadabob guy is standing in my way on the path to world domination. What a nutbar. Really, is anyone comfortable with him having access to a nuke? I mean, even he is probably like... "Whoa! Who let me get my hands on this stuff? Who knows what I might do?"

5. Facebook.
Oh I'm not on it. But I am fascinated by it. I watch people spend literally hours doing essentially nothing, but doing it fastidiously and emphatically. It's like watching a train wreck. A train wreck where the train doesn't actually wreck, but everyone is injured anyway.

4. My animated short film.
I shouldn't care because Big Pinkie is slow. By the time he is finished with it, Ahmedinejad will have blown us all to kingdom come with his crazy nuke.**

3. Oprah.
Sure, she seems nice. But I suspect that she might be number two on my list after the nutbar from Iran.

2. Lindsey Lohan's mental state.
See number 10 for a prologue. Seriously, we and the tabloids bear at least some of the blame. We love to see celebrities fall and the tabloids help that failure along. As soon as a teen starlet nears her peak, the tabloids are shoving 500 bucks at some seedy guy in a club saying, "Here, now take this bag of cocaine over there to that little girl. There's an extra 500 in it for you if you can get her to snort it off this picture of the Pope!"

1. My Followers Counter.
I really, really shouldn't care. But every day I sneak a peek. Just to make sure someone is listening.
*******************

So there you have it. My first Top 10 list. I hope you enjoyed it. It might be the last. Ten is a lot. Maybe a Top 2 next time! Anyway, I have to go... I have a Dancing With The Stars DVR'ed.


Neyland D. Catt


*David Hasselhoff's career is like a vampire. It can't be killed by conventional methods. Dancing With The Stars may have driven a stake through its heart, but someone still has to cut off the head. Otherwise, he'll back with something to make Knight Rider look cool.

**This is simply not true. Cats have no patience. I will be hard at work on the short this weekend.

---Big Pinkie

Please allow me to re-introduce myself...

Hello to familiar faces, freshly acquired friends, and those just stopping by to see what the hubbub is all about.  It has been suggested that I should re-introduce myself, as there are a lot of new folks buzzing around the place.  It's quite possible that it might be a little confusing for newcomers who stumble into the middle of a rant about Garfield or the Biggest Loser.  So here goes:

I am Neyland D. Catt.  Yes.  A cat.  A feline.  There are tons of cats out there with blogs and many of them have been at this for lots longer than I have.  There is a community of sorts.  On most of these blogs you will find humorous pictures of cats, heartwarming stories, and useful tips.  They are wonderful.  Sadly, you will find almost none of that here.

Despite my best efforts, it would appear that we have a few semi-regular features here on the blog.  We have a fan letter column, inexplicably titled Letters From The Edge.  Cheerz and Jeerz will be returning soon as will another Urban Legends post.  Basically, I live in a household with two humans called Big Pinkie and the Lady, three other cats called Tiger, Anime, and Gracie, and I share stories about myself and the rest of the gang as well as my views on entertainment, pop culture, world events, and everything else under the sun.

Many visitors to the blog tell me that I'm funny.  This is quite odd, as I never intend to be humorous.  That's just the way my mind works.  Big Pinkie, on the other hand, seems to fancy himself quite the jokester.  He sometimes rips off Terry Pratchett by way of the little asterix gimmick.*

*This would be the little asterix gimmick he is referring to.  If you know of Terry Pratchett, I'm sure you will agree that he does it better.**

**If you know Terry Pratchett personally... please don't tell him.  We are allergic to lawyers.


Yeah.  That was annoying right?  Anyway.  I am a cat blogger who is here to entertain you.  I will use all that I have at my disposal to make that happen.  If you're not sure if this blog is for you, then take a few minutes to look back at some of our older posts.  We have had some doozies.  I have told terrifying halloween tales, interviewed a celebrity (which has turned into an all out war with Lady Gaga), written poetry, given insight into the Biggest Loser and Dancing With the Stars, and even occasionally posted a cute picture of a cat.

I think you will find something here to entertain you.  Please join us.  We are not a cult.  However, your adoration and worship is welcome.


Neyland D. Catt

A slightly sidewise view.  Get used to that.

Letters from the edge #4

Happy Tuesday kids! I hope you are all recovered after your festive Columbus Day parties. Still not sure why Columbus Ohio gets its own holiday, but at least it gives us all an opportunity to put up the Columbus Tree and party on! Neyland D. Catt back with you for another fan letter post. However, like all of M. Night Shyamalan's movies, there is a twist.* Today, I will let Anime answer the letters. Time to let the kid have her big shot. Besides, I want to be here when she falls flat on her face. Take it away Anime...


Letter #1

Dear Neyland,


A lot of us are very upset with the recent comments you made about Garfield the cat. Garfield is a cultural icon. He is a living legend who is adored by children and adults everywhere. Please do not refer to Mr. Garfield in such derogatory terms in the future, or you and I will be at odds with one another.


Big Louie
Garfield Appreciation Society



Hi Louie! Neylo and I were discussing Garfield just the other day and we came to a startling conclusion. Your letter has confirmed our hypothesis. Let's look at certain facts pertaining to the living legend... Garfield is fat. Garfield is callous and has little regard for others. Garfield loves Italian pasta dishes. Garfield somehow manages to convince others to do his bidding. The conclusion... Garfield is a Mafia Boss!!!
With that revelation in mind, I would like to sincerely apologize on behalf of Neyland for any offensive remarks toward Mr. Garfield. Please don't hurt us Mr. Big Louie. I don't want to "sleep with the fishes" (although initially I really, really did... then Neyland explained what it meant). We won't say anything else bad about Garfield. We will now return to making fun of Lady GaGa instead.


P.S. The abbreviation for Garfield Appreciation Society is G.A.S. HaHa! Must be all that lasagna!


Letter #2

Dear Funny Cat Guy,


Why don't you do funny jokes about dogs like some other cats do?


Billy M.
Madison WI


Hi Billy! The fact of the matter is that dogs and cats really aren't at odds like we are portrayed in the movies and on TV. We get along pretty well. It's the people we have a problem with. And armadillos. Don't ask. It's a long story. Anyways... there are plenty of dogs that I consider friends. Our neighbor dog, Daisy, is a real treat and hates armadillos too!** Apparently, there is some sort of agenda in the media to make cats and dogs enemies. Well! We are not marching to the beat of your drum Mr. Media Mogul!! We will behave according to the dictates of our own will!!! We will... sorry. I get a little carried away when I take a stand.


In short, Billy, we don't think jokes about dogs are funny just because they are about dogs. It has to be a good joke. Same goes with cat jokes. I, however, have never heard a bad armadillo joke.


Letter #3

Dear Neyland,


When are we going to see your animated short? Will any of the other cats be in it? Hurry up!!!


Heather (The Lady)


Hey Lady! Big Pinkie said to tell everyone that he has finished the script for the short. Who knows how long the rest of it will take!? Maybe by next Columbus Eve. Or before all the kids get out of school for their big Presidents Day vacation. Oh yeah! I will be in it! Tiger too! Plus there's at least one action packed fight scene!
Thanks to Neylo for letting me answer the letters this week. I promise not to take his job completely.
----Anime Jingle Socks a.k.a Slinky McFuzz a.k.a Fluffadoodles

OK. I have to admit, the kid didn't do half bad. It was at least a quarter bad though. She's still got work ahead of her to be as good as yours truly. We'll be back tomorrow with another Halloween Tale To Terrify!! It will send you running to the litter box in fear!

Neyland D. Catt



*The "twist" to M. Night Shyamalan's last movie, The Last Airbender, was that even with a built-in audience of adoring kids and a hot licensed property, M. Night can still make a movie suck.


**Pay no attention to the armadillo talk. None of the cats (or Daisy) have ever seen an armadillo. There are no armadillos even remotely close to our neck of the woods. I'm not even sure they actually know what an armadillo is.

Letters from the edge #3

Welcome back to Neyland's House of Cool!  "Wrong address buddy" to all of those who came here looking for the computer virus that attacked Iran's nuclear facility.  It wasn't me.

That's right.  It's time for another edition of Letters from the Edge, where I answer a few of questions or comments from my legion of underlings fans.  Yes, I usually do this on Saturday, but this was an action-packed weekend so I'm running a little behind (something Tiger wouldn't know anything about!  A little behind?  Get it?  Nevermind).  On to the letters...

Letter #1 - 

Dear Neyland,

     Why don't you let Anime write a weekly post?  We all like her very much and think it would be interesting and entertaining to hear more from her.  Just a thought.

Peggy J.

Rossville, GA

Well, Peggy... way to smack a cat right in the face!  Want some more Anime do ya?  Ol' Neyland just doesn't quite give you the same thrill anymore eh?  Fine!  Anime can finish the rest of this letter for me!  Go ahead Anime...

Anime: Uh.  Hi?

Whoo boy!  That was some brilliant stuff there wasn't it?  I can see why you want more of that Peggy!  I'm amazed she isn't already working professionally.  Tell you what Peggy, when I retire, I will personally hand over the reigns to Anime Jingle Socks.  Then you can re-live that incredible "Uh.  Hi?" each and every day.

Letter #2 - 

Dear Mr. Catt,

     I am a huge admirer of your work and feel that you are wise beyond your years.  I therefore come before you most humbly to ask... what is the meaning of life?

Pete. W.

New York, NY

What??  Really?  I finally get somebody writing in who recognizes my greatness and he doesn't even know the meaning of "life"?  Get a dictionary pal.  I've got more important things to do.

Letter #3 - 

Dear Neyland,

     Why do you hate Lady Gaga so much?  What has she ever done to you?  I personally think she is a fantastic entertainer and should be treated with more respect.

Stefani J. A. G.

Somewhere in Hollywood

Well Stefani, she has threatened to unleash a rabid horde of feral lawyers on me.  That's one reason not to like her.  However, the big thing is that I don't believe in Lady Gaga.  Much like I don't believe in Santa Claus.  I believe she is a figment of someone else's imagination who keeps intruding on my reality.  A "fantastic entertainer" you say?  Exactly.  Much the same way that Professional Wrestlers are "sports entertainers".  Much the same as the Lottery tickets are "entertainment purposes only".

Apparently, entertainment = fake.  

Stefani, I don't like GaGa because GaGa is fake.  She is a brand.  When the Great Entertainment War begins and Katy Perry and Lady GaGa meet on the field of battle wearing 60 foot tall suits of bedazzled armor... I hope they both lose.*

That's all the time I have for today!  Remember to stop by tomorrow for a good ol' scary story!

Neyland D. Catt

*Neyland seems to have this theory that the Apocalypse will be fought by celebrities.  His idea of Ms. Perry and Ms. GaGa battling it out in giant mechanized cartoon armor - godzilla movie style - might just have some basis in reality.  The SyFy channel is certainly interested. 

                                                                                                       ----Big Pinkie

Letters from the edge #2

Back again on a lovely Wednesday morning. Still a little exhausted from the whole Lady GaGa thing. However, Big Pinkie and I have vowed that we will catch up on all the things that we let get behind. So that brings to another round of fan letters that we can answer and then throw in the fire... I mean archive lovingly.

Letter 1

Dear Neyland,

Why can't you be like other cat bloggers? None of the others are so pompous, arrogant, and self-aggrandizing. In fact, they all seem to be wonderful people. You, on the other hand, seem to think the world cares what you think about pop culture, current events, etc. Stop trying to be clever and show us some cute pictures of frolicking cats!

Love,
Frustrated In Albany


"Frustrated In Albany"? That's your name?? I would truly like to meet your parents. I think they might be the funniest or most psychotic people on earth. As to your comments... there are other cat blogs?? I'm not special and unique?? Seriously though, I happen to feel that there is plenty of room on the interwebanets for all types of feline blogs. That includes mine. Especially mine. Where do you get that I'm self-aggrandizing anyway?


Letter 2

Dear Mr. Smarty Pants,

I guess you think you are pretty funny. Let me tell you something pally-boy... I don't think you are funny at all! Your little "interview", if it can be called that, was not humorous in the least. Your henchman, Big Pinkie, has been able to keep my lawyers at bay so far but we will find you eventually. You obviously edited my responses to paint me in a negative light and I don't think even your readers will fall for it. As though I am some expletive slinging shrew that could be so easily dismissed! The very *bleep*ing thought is absurd! Watch your back kitty cat!

L. Gaga


Wow. I actually thought we did a pretty good job of cleaning up the interview. After all, we cut out the part where you called me a *bleep*ing *bleep*er with *bleep* on his *bleep*! I don't even know what that means. Or if it is in the realm of anatomical possibility. I apologize profusely and beg for mercy at the feet of your lawyers. Please don't sue us into oblivion! If it helps, I think your hair is pretty sometimes.

Letter 3

Dear Neyland,

I am sending you this e-mail from a neighbor's computer. I am forced to do this because you won't get off of mine. I realize that you write for a blog and all, but I would sometimes like to use the computer that I bought for myself. Please try to be considerate of others in the household.

Big Pinkie

P.S. Tiger says you smacked him in the face and called him tubby. Please don't do that again.


Well "Pinkie", if that is your real name, I have a demanding public that clamors for my attention. I need the computer. You just use it to watch funny youtube videos. Besides, it's very warm when I need a nap. By the way, Lady CaCa wants to talk to you. Says its important.


That's all for today kids. I've got a busy afternoon ahead of me that probably includes signing autographs and fighting trolls. A cat's work is never done.


Neyland D. Catt

Interview With A Trampire

Greetings friends,
Neylo here.  It's been a few days, but when you read what I have for you, you'll understand why.  It has been a goal of mine to feature celebrity interviews here.  Today, that goal is realized.  I, Neyland D. Catt, have interviewed Lady BlahBlah.  Lady DaDa.  Whatever her name is.  Anyway, I conducted a phone interview with this obviously dynamic and important lady.  It took several days to edit this into a viewable form for you guys to read.  Because there were expletives.  So, so many expletives.  Without further ado, here is my first celebrity interview...

Lady G:  Hello?

Neylo: Good afternoon madame, my name is Neyland D. Catt and I would like to interview you on behalf of my readers.

Lady G:  I don't know you.  How did you get my number?

Neylo:  I have my ways.  I am very persistent.  Now, I'd like to ask you a few questions.


Lady G:  Are you some kind of stalker?

Neylo:  No, ma'am.  I'm a cat.

Lady G:  What?  I'm hanging up now.

Neylo:  I don't think you really want to do that.  You see, I am a close personal friend of an old alley cat named Freddie.  Freddie's brother is an acquaintance of yours I believe.  You knew him in your youth as Mr. Bubbles?  Mr. Bubbles has told us a great deal of very interesting things about your past.  I really don't want to have to print those things Miss HaHa.

Lady G:  GaGa.

Neylo:  What?

Lady G:  Nevermind.  Look, what do you want from me?

Neylo:  Just answers to some questions.  Burning questions that are on the minds of your fans and the public in general.

Lady G:  Okay.  I give you three questions.  Fire away you little degenerate.

Neylo:  Degenerate?  My dear... people who live in glass houses shouldn't sling mud.

Lady G:  What the *bleep* does that mean?

Neylo:  Quiet.  I'm the one asking the questions around here now.  Alright, first question:  Are you really criminally insane or is this just how you make vapid people interested in you?

Lady G:  What kind of question is that?  I'm not answering that you *bleep*ing *bleep*!

Neylo:  Right-o.  Criminally insane it is then.  Next question:  Do you think anyone will remember your name in year?

Lady G:  I'm getting pretty *bleep*ing sick of this whole *bleep*ing thing!  Keep it up and I'll send one of my bodyguards to rip your *bleep*ing tail off and *bleep* you in the *bleep* with a *bleep*!

Neylo:  Hmm...  I'll just put no comment then shall I, Miss TaTa?

Lady G:  Aaaarghh!

Neylo:  Last question, and most important in my opinion:  Team Edward or Team Jacob?

Lady G:  Both.  Probably at the same time.

Neylo:  You are a sick, twisted woman who really needs years of professional counseling.  At least you'll be able to afford it, as long as you don't blow your money and go all MC Hammer.  The correct answer is Neither.  Both Teams should be hunted down and killed before they drag humanity back to the dark ages.

Lady G:  Whatever.  *click*

Neylo:  Hello?  Are you still there?  Lady ChaCha?  Well.  That was rude.


So there you have it.  My first ever celebrity interview.  Maybe my last.  Big Pinkie has been fielding phone calls from lawyers all morning.  Come on back tomorrow and we'll talk about music!

Neyland D. Catt


P.S.  What's a bleep?

Say Goodnight Gracie

Greetings all! Welcome back to my little blog. A hearty hello to those of you who have been here before. A somber "sorry" to those of you who were expecting Britney Spears naked.

Previously in this space, I have introduced you to Tiger the Fatty and Anime Jingle Socks. Today I will finally introduce you to Gracie. We call her the ghost. She is extremely skittish and shy. I once saw her literally jump at her own shadow. Visitors to our home don't believe in Gracie. They think she is a myth or some sort of urban legend perpetrated by Big Pinkie.

She is also a runt. Seriously. She looks like a kitten even though she is over ten years old. She has always looked that way and probably always will. She has little stubby legs that carry her silently throughout the house on some secret mission only she knows. I have included a picture below, but I will apologize in advance. The quality is poor, but it is the best of the four known photos of Gracie in existence. She is notoriously hard to photograph. She seems to like Big Pinkie and spends a large portion of her visible time with him, but if he pulls out a camera... poof! She is gone like smoke.

A rare photo of the elusive Gracie cat in the wild.

So there you have it.  That's Gracie in a nut-shell.  Well, not really.  You know what I mean.  Although she probably would fit.  She's just a little thing... I'm rambling aren't I?  Sorry.

Come back tomorrow folks.  If there has ever been a post you wanted to read, tomorrow's is the one!  That's right, it's the first of my celebrity interviews!  I will be interviewing someone you might know.  Someone with a first name of Lady and a last name of Gaga.  (This one's for you Angus!)

Neyland D. Catt

Vampires suck.

Hello gang, Neylo here again. Not feeling very well. I think I'm coming down with something.
Yeah. Im definitely getting sick... of vampires. Vampires suck. (No pun intended.) Can you think of anything else so overdone and overexposed in this day and age? OK. Maybe zombies. And certainly Lady Gaga, but vampires are at the top of the list! Big Pinkie and The Lady watched Twilight today. I thought I was going to have to cough up the mother of all hairballs. Then I realized I was just choking on the absurdity of the situation. First off, where are all of the cats in this ludicrous film? I'll tell you where. They are staying safely out of it all. No respectable feline would be caught anywhere near that train wreck.

***Neyland Factoid*** Cats are excellent movie critics. In fact, you may be surprised to learn that most respected critics that you assume are human are in fact cats. Leonard Malten? Half cat on his mother's side. Gene Shallot? Actually a cat in an elaborate human prosthetic to hide the truth. (Didn't hide it very well in my opinion.)

Today's vampires are a far cry from where they once were or should be. Vampires used to monsters. They were to be feared. Nowadays they are meant to be lusted after in a shallow and vapid manner. "You're so beautiful..." HACK! COUGH! I just can't swallow it. Sure, he's an undead beast with an insatiable thirst for blood, but he's so darn cute! Seriously?! If I didn't know better I would think that vampires were real and Hollywood is trying to romanticize them to allow the vampire minority to fit in to society better. Was Dracula Casanova's cousin? What am I missing here? The CW's Vampire Diaries are even worse. I mean, it's basically the same but you have to watch it play out every week instead of just ripping off the bandaid with a feature film. At least True Blood has some frightening moments it. Still the same weak, superficial romance junk though. All I am saying is that there is nothing to be admired about a species that has an unstoppable drive to feed symbiotically off of another species. OK, I'm done now. Time to hold Big Pinkie down for a nap and absorb all of his body heat.

So long for now,

Neyland D. Cat